Six months and I still miss her

Hi Heather_Diane, wise words and said so beautifully. It is only 8 weeks since my wife died suddenly. She was a happy, healthy 75-year-old with no medical issues. The shock has been overwhelming and I’m suffering more now than I did a few weeks ago. The triggers are everywhere and I breakdown more each day. The more I think the more guilty I feel about stupid little things I could have done better. We were very happy and did everything together since we were teenagers. The lockdown didn’t bother us at all and we were quite happy looking after each other. Now the lockdown feels like solitary confinement although I have absolutely no desire to socialise. My only consolation is that she is not the one going through this trauma. When I’m able, I too should be the man she loved and honour her spirit in all ways possible.
AL

Hi Herb, I have been reading your posts and have nothing to add because you are expressing all the feelings and emotions which are going through me right now.
After 56 years married (together for 59) it will probably take me years to find “normal” if I even live long enough. Grief plays tricks with your mind and I dwell on situations that were not important but they are massively important now. Each day I find it more difficult to go on because the loss is so deep. I received a large number of sympathy cards and everyone thought she had a warm smile and was a beautiful person inside and out. I hadn’t realised so many people saw what I saw everyday. She wouldn’t have wanted me to be miserable, but that’s life, we must carry on. AL

2 Likes

Heather-Diane and AL
You are both so right in what you wrote and I am so sorry you feel so sad. However it is reassuring to know the constant pain, sadness, isolation, anxiety, sleep deprivation, lack of enthusiasm and my no zeat for Fulfilling my life is not uncommon. I am struggling big time at the moment and have been for last few weeks and just feel the hole is getting deeper and darker. Thank you so much for your support though

1 Like

It always seems to be the best and good ones who are taken.
My Stan was a lovely man, kind, gentle and generous, he loved his family so much and would have done anything for them.

4 Likes

Hello Al - It’s so hard not to beat ourselves up over the past. The feelings of guilt are insidious - they creep in and take over and leave me in a shambles. It’s hard work to put this feeling aside. I started by telling myself “no, I’m not going to go there” - and that has slowly changed to “No. I’m not going there. There is absolutely nothing I can do to change the past.” The reality is hard enough to deal with, without dwelling on things I cannot change.
I wrote a post about triggers. In the beginning everything was a trigger. I began to recognize them. I began to recognize the feeling that began in my stomach and throat as I was triggered. I learned that I was able to walk away from some of them. They are not so frequent now but they are still so intense & strike out of the blue.
It’s a very hard road to travel. It’s very difficult ,but I try my best to make it as easy on myself as I can.

2 Likes

So triggers
Walk away, follow and face up, Encompass, challenge,?
I am on here for Helen passing 19 June 20,
I have in my own brief resume, and do not want to rehash. 2nd week here, and numb, accepted, grieved during previous 5 months or possibly denial. Last night undeniably sobbing, heart renching pain, due to music

1 Like

Thank you AL, I admire that you stated 56 years married. We share the same emotions and feelings despite the number years - I was married for 8 years but we knew each other for nearly 14 years. When died, my life took a sharp drop - maybe still is. All I can say is that I truly loved her and recall all her happy traits and humor.
Thank you for comments and viewpoint. I truly appreciate people like you!
Herb (a.k.a. Greencat) 5/27/20

2 Likes

This thread is so powerful and true. I lost my June on the 17th and I am totally lost and bewildered. I’ve just finalised the arrangements for her funeral - the most painful thing I’ve ever done.
I’ve read the comments and know that there’s many of us in this place… but I still feel so alone, and hurting.
I can’t offer any advice or support, but thank you all for being so open.
Got to stop, tears clouding my sight again
Dave

Keep posting on this site. I have done over the past few weeks. That’s what I think has got me through this. It is the most painful thing I have ever gone through. And it just don’t stop. One of the hardest thing for me was I will no longer be a husband. Ticked widower for the fist time the other day.
Share your feelings. Often I have to keep stopping because I well up

Dear Dave, We all have to get thru this somehow. I don’t know how or when, but cherish the times you had with her. That’s what I do, she did a lot of paint by number drawings I praised her for it - today I posted a few of them in our home. It is a constant reminder that she lived here with me - I loved her so much and I miss her - Honor her memory is all I can say. Stay in touch with us. We care!
Herb (Greencat)

I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much. I thank everyone for their concern, and love. trouble is, I don’t think I want to get through this, it’s not getting better…

I’m putting a lot on my daughter, but she’s the only reason I’m still here when I want to be with my June

1 Like

update: you would think that after 7 months - I should just give up on this shouldn’t I///./ I woke up this morning and did all the checking, house keeping feeding myself, all of the usual things etc. that I would be satisfied and happy that I accomplished something — but no, do you know what ??? I still miss her!!!
I made our bed, put her favorite bedspread on, started the laundry = I know you all have heard this many times - but I do miss her!
Herb (aka. Greencat)

2 Likes

Dear5 Dave, Sometimes we have to think more of others, our friends, our families, and those of use on this post. We cannot give up - we must have some form of Courage. We cannot let them down! Look, I miss my wife, I could easily take my life and join her — don’t do it! Stick it out. Can’t tell you how, but your nation should be known for this! I share your feelings, friend, I want to give you a bear hug and tell you I love and care for you - but please stick it out - maybe we don’t know the end result - it could be worth it’s weight in diamonds – I’m hurting too. You can do it ! That’s the British spirit!!! Just so you know I do care!!!
Herb (aka. greencat)

Please stay strong, I need support as you do.
Greencat

Greencat. I find that not everyone understands what it is like to lose an extremely caring loving with that shared everything. I was lucky to have one of those people in my life. Everyone’s relationship is different even when married.
I can’t even thinking that I will get to a stage where I could not get upset over missing her.
I guess I’m lucky that she only suffered for 9 days. Although been uncomfortable for a lot longer.
Longest we had ever been apart in 23 years was 3 days and that was hard.
Even though I’m 49 I find it inconceivable that I could find anyone else.
The day before she went she told me not to be alone. Do I’m getting a cat.
I hate life. Every minute of every day and like you Greencat I miss her every minute of every day

Keep well and safe

Hi again Jay, If I were in closer proximity to - I’d invite you to join at the nearest Pub for a Guiness. I’m sure we share a lot together and maybe learn something. (you see, I do have a sense of humor (or at least I try).
It’s funny, I am doing stuff around the house like I will see her again and want everything to be ready.
Who am I kidding? Just goes to show how the mind and heart work sometimes. I loved my wife because I could easily see that she had an abusive husband and another guy that cheated on her, and it showed.
Her family seemed cold and aloof - I had to sort of go out of my way to show her I cared- eventually loved her. Nice story huh??? Meeting her family was met with silence - no cordialities. Her mother was friendly, but she tired out quickly. 23 years you seemed to say you were married - wow how much I envy you. (Don’t get me wrong - I never said we had a marriage made in heaven - we just learned to help each other in the beginning). It’s such a long story - I try to keep it brief but somehow I like to give everyone I communicate with enough description to understand what I describing - I guess that’s why many family members don’t open the subject too much. On the surface I may appear as a quiet guy - but anyone who knows me will tell you different. By the way, you mentioned about getting a cat - we actually had a cat too one time - lately I have been thinking the same. I actually tried a dating site back in February - we had good phone calls till we met for lunch — I could tell that we were not compatible - she told me I was old looking and very ordinary. Yes, I guess the death of my wife took a lot out of me — I remember telling my family and her my wife’s sons that her death had aged me. Anyway, I believe it will be a long while before I commit myself to someone (at least unless I meet a nice friendly woman who is simple and down to earth–(no trendy world travellers for me) — that’s another story - you see I could write a book but then again, if you done it how could I generate interest? Yes, I miss her too much to start dating - the February experience gave me a taste for it. Well, here I go again, getting off the beaten path. Well, take care of yourself - thank you for dropping me a line!
Greencat (a.k.a. Herb)

1 Like

Hi Herb. It’s nice to hear and learn about someone. Allison was my first and only love. She was 4 years older but you would never have known. We lived life to the full and loved traveling together wether 30 minutes down the road or a 4 hour flight. She was my everything we were a couple in the best we could ever have been. At least 15 years from retirement we was in the process of decorating the home to sell and move to a bungalow. Everything has now gone. If it wasn’t for her mum I would be ready to join her as I’m now damaged. To have been so much in love and it’s all gone. A sad life

Dear Jay, This almost sounds like my story except we were married for 8 years and had the same plans. We waited a few years before we bought our home. We were flooded out the very first month. WE basically worked hard to furnish it and make into a home. She lived in it for only 4 years and 6 months. She had plans to decorate and improve it. She painted, bought new furnishings etc. She told me a year ago that she loved me and our home. I worked hard on the yard work, repairs and basically finding ways to save money plus we went out each month to a Polish Polka Bar we we learned to Polka dance as well as a few waltzes.
We got to know the patrons (mostly a middle and upper aged group) We got along well with them. When died, there were many who cried, because they remember her being a graceful dancer - she had learned dancing as a child - I just developed courage to learn - besides she always made me look good.
We would exchange stories of our past and family feuds at times. I once had too many beers one night, and slipped on the ice -I was embarassed, she told me don’t worry about it as she helped me into the house. I kept telling her that I felt she really deserved a better man than me because she was so kind and loving to me. After I told her that, she looked me in the eye and told me yes, you do deserve me. She never held a grudge or stopped speaking to me… After she died, I wanted to tell people that I felt at times, that I was married to angel. (That doesn’t mean she was perfect, we had our spats but they never lasted). She just retired and we were going to start living. Life hasn’t been the same since - though I do go thru the motions of caring for myself, the house and doing the family and inlaw stuff. Like I said previously, I didn’t think we were going to fall in love and be married. It just happened that way. We had setbacks, but we had fun too!
If I could do it over again, I would! OK Jay, I will end here for now. Take care!
Herb

Hi Dave, I hope you didn’t think I was ignoring you - just forgot. Hope you’ve been reading along with us.
Herb

Herb
Words fall short to express thoughts and feelings, I will not rehash our marriage etc, but basically the same but a little longer. All the best wishes for the future, its hard to see, had I retained the same feelings and resolved my self and a path forward, Helen and I would not have been.
Colin