Six months on

Hello Everyone, this is the first time I have been on here. I lost my husband at the end of November last year. He was 57 and was diagnosed with bile duct cancer in the January . He had been perfectly fine up until Christmas then just feeling a bit off it he went to the doctor who sent him straight into hospital for tests. We were told straight away that he had cholangiocarcinoma (bile duct cancer) and that it was inoperable and incurable and he had a prognosis of about a year if he had chemotherapy . We left hospital devastated. He had to have a stent put into his bile duct to remove the jaundice then began chemo a month later. He hated every minute of it, having to spend so much time travelling to hospital for appointments then spending the whole day there every week having the treatment. He did pretty well with it though and was due to have 16 sessions, he got to about 12 with no serious side effects then it started to hit him and he didn’t have the last one as was too ill. He picked up again though only to be told he had blood clots in his leg and lungs and he had to inject twice a day to keep these at bay, his last chemo was in August where they said they would see him again in three months with the possibility of more treatment. I think they knew he wouldn’t make this appointment. He became ill at the end of October and gradually got worse until he had to spend a week in hospital mid November because of the pain and to have fluid drained from his abdomen by which time the cancer had spread through his liver and into his abdomen and he was so very poorly, they arranged a bed at home for him and he came home on the Sunday and died on the Monday with me and our boys with him. We were together since we were 16, my world is empty, he had such a big personality and was such a strong person, I never believed the diagnosis and really thought if anyone could get through it he would and the doctors would be wrong.
I am doing ok, its six months now, but still have bad days, today has been one, when everything I see or do reminds me of him and I spend most of the day in tears. We have two lovely sons who still live at home at the moment so that’s great. Nothing feels right anymore, I try to make an effort to do things (not that we can at the moment) but although its ok, its not the same and don’t suppose it ever will be. It feels like there is such a massive hole in my life. I wish I had found this site during his illness as it would have been a help to have someone to talk to, we had such an awful year. its good to know there are other people out there who know what all this feels like .
Cathy

Hi Cathy,
You have found this site now and it will really help you as it has for everyone here .
You’ve had such a devastating time, so much to deal with, six months on is no time , I am seven months on and it’s still hard but keep posting on here you won’t feel so alone
Steph x

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thank you Steph, that’s very kind x

Cathy, pleased you have found us and everyone on here will support you plus you can read how others are dealing with this horrible thing called grief. Both you and your husband had been through tough times and chemo is, well I still think we don’t know until we have been there. Your post is heart breaking because so many of us have had similar experiences and know what the end is like. You do sound that for 6 months that you are dealing with it all extremely well, so give yourself a pat on the back. As you say some days are better than others and as time moves on it will only be odd days but believe me they still come and bite you. Crying becomes the norm and I am not sure if it ever goes away for some but it is a good release and keeps paper hanky manufacturers in busy. Having your two boys will help and as you say you have to make an effort, if only for them. No matter how long you had been together it is never long enough and they leave such a large empty space that nothing really fills it. You are doing really well and must be proud of yourself and keep telling yourself that you can and will get through the bad days. Give your boys a big huge and then another one from me who thinks their mum is very special. Blessings to you all and please take care. S

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thank you Susie, I am doing well, I surprise myself how well I have coped but then I will have days when I just don’t know what to do. My boys are brilliant and am so glad they are still home with me, for now anyway, it would have been so much harder if I hadn’t had them. thank you x

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