Six year widow

I’m coming up to my sixth year as a widow, my husband died 23rd August 2013, after eight years of oral cancer. I moved and have never been sorry that l did, far to many memories where l was. 18 months after my husband died our sone and his wife separated, it was nearly as bad as the death of my husband, so six years down the road after having moved to a smaller property in the same area, l have a wonderful home, no money worries, as far as I’m aware no health worries although l started smoking again, six a day, they help. But the aching sadness and aloness is far more acute than when the death occurred.
I’ve always been up beat, glass half full, counted my blessings and still try to do that, but quite frankly this is not a life, it’s an existence. I didn’t expect to ever be as bubbly and colourful as I was ten years ago, but hoped I’d find some semblance of peace, l haven’t, they, who ever “they” are say time heals, so why do l feel soooo retched, and so much sadness, hoped things would be a little easier.
I still get up, shower do my hair, put on my make up and sally forth, but people think after five years that you are OK, so try to avoid when l can. Had one comment ahhh but you have your dog, so I’ve got a consolation prize, l get that people who still have partners/husband can’t emphathise and if I’m honest, l feel l should be “getting there” again where ever that is. I’m the first of my peer group to be in this position, and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I wonder if my grief is boardering on depression, l hope not. So another day got through.

I needed to rant, tomorrow another Ground Hog Day.

I’m so sorry for your loss it’s six months and six days since my soulmate fell asleep in my arms im utterly heartbreakon and truamatised every second of the day gets worse I cant imagine six years more of this pain take care your in my thoughts x

I am only half way through your length of aloneness having lost my partner in June 2016 but I so empathise with your post. I too feel more lost and alone than I did during the first year and have to pinch myself occasionally to make sure I can still feel something other than sadness. I even welcome those awful captcha things on the computer where you have to tick off certain boxes to prove you are not a robot!
I am not as brave as you because I seldom venture into the outside world but stay hidden in my little bubble…like you I have my little dogs but I have lost two of them since Barry died and that has just exacerbated his absence and my sadness.
You are so right when you say we exist rather than live…but sometimes I think that we should just accept that that is what this season of our life should be…my better days are those when I am able to just be and not beat myself up about the seeming futility of it all. We live in a society and time where we are told that anything can be fixed…a time when broken things just get replaced and we are told that happiness is our right…but all of us here know that that is not true. Some of us will go on to find new companionship , new purpose…others will just go through the motions.
I don’t mean to be negative…rather I just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone in the way you feel. I am sure others here will agree and some may even be able to offer more positive thoughts on a way forward. The thing is ,though ,that I would rather be like I am now than never have had Barry in my life…not to have known him and been loved by him would be far far worse.
I hope tomorrow will be a better day for all of us…please take care…I am glad you have found this forum …the people here are special! X

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Thank you both for your comments, rereading my post I’m seem to be really sorry for myself, yesterday wasn’t the greatest of days. Things are “better” in lots of ways, but when the down days come they hit like a tsunami, lm not sure if I’m brave, but l am forthright and made a pretty good life for myself, funnily enough l find now that don’t want to do a lot of it, happy face/person dose t always cut it, and people don’t want miserable, so I’m selective, and only do what I want.some would call that selfish l call it self protection.
You’re also right about beating myself up,when I’m down l do remember all the appalling things going on everywhere, but also take on board, my pain is just that, my pain, so allow myself the grief.
I send you both love and hope for us all that this rough road gets easier.

Thankyou for your kind words means alot take care speak soon x

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