Sleepless nights, want my Mum

Hi,

This is my first time posting. My mum died 9 months ago. Still can’t believe it when I say those words. These days, I can’t seem to sleep. My sleep wasn’t too bad for the first 6 months or so, but recently is increasingly poor. I go to sleep then wake up in a panic, thoughts of my mum rushing through my head. It’s so painful.

I have a wonderful partner but have found friends have not been supportive. Feel very alone, even my family aren’t talking much about her. How can it have come to this? We were a family and now no-one wants to talk about her.

I don’t know how I can cope without sleep. I would like to be somewhere vey peaceful for a while, so I can rest and recover my strength but I live in a tiny flat with noisy neighbours! The world feels very unfeeling and hard.

So here I am, at 2.30 in the morning, typing out of desperation really.

I miss her more than I can ever say. It’s unbearable.

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Hello Treehugger

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I lost my Mum 5 months ago, I can’t say the “D” word as I can’t bring myself to believe it, not MY Mum.

I know what you mean about noone talking about your Mum and it’s very hurtful isn’t it. I want people to chat about her and ask me things but they don’t.

You’ve come to the right place here, we all get it.

Nicky x

I have also found people reacting in cold, unfeeling ways. My only advice there is to not concern yourself with them and their lack of communication, but concentrate on yourself. Put all your energy into doing whatever you can to be ok… not ‘better’ because I don’t think any of us on these boards who have been traumatised by losing loved ones will ever be ‘better’, just different.

I highly recommend ringing a bereavement helpline, just saying the words out loud to a neutral but understanding ear really helps get those thoughts out, plus they often have helpful suggestions. I recommend The Good Grief Trust website as there are a lot of resources in one place there.

Keep posting on here, too. I can only speak for myself, but finding others who also feel so lost, angry, and sad is oddly comforting. We’re not alone. You are not alone. Just keep going, an hour at a time on the bad days. X

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Thank you Nicky. Yes exactly, I think that too, all the time, not MY mum - it’s just the impossibility of it. Often I think about her and her death and the death part feels like something we just got mixed up in by mistake. And that it should definitely be temporary.

I’m not religious so have no hopefulness about seeing her again. I know she’s gone but she’s still my amazing mum who was/ is a complete one off and full of life and curiousity, even when she was ill and in pain.

Yeah, feeling kind of like an outcast right now. Which is ridiculous as most people will lose a parent within their lifetime. I guess it’s the fear of it. I’m a little on the young side to lose my Mum (although I’m sure it’s not too unusual to lose a parent by your late thirties?) so I can imagine people think I’ve been very unlucky and are scared of it happening to them. Who knows. I just know it makes me feel like they think there’s something wrong with me, or I did something wrong, which is the opposite of what I need.

I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your Mum too. Although I’m a stranger to you, feel free to tell me about her.

Can’t say how glad I am to have found this resource, people need empathy! X

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Thanks so much Gib79. That’s sound advice for me right now. My world’s gotten very small since she died (probably to do with the pandemic too). The downside of that is loneliness but the plus side is I think it’s forcing me to seek out new ways of trying to be ‘ok’. Hence finding this site at 2 in the morning!

Yeah I guess ‘better’ is out the window, just doesn’t seem to apply anymore.

It’s a relief to hear others share my feelings, that I’m not getting this all badly wrong.

I live in a very noisy, busy part of the city (even during pandemic!) and it can feel like I’ve fallen off the face of the earth while others get on with their lives. It’s hard to find the peace I need when there’s so much pressure to socialise and have a good time again after lockdown.

Losing Mum was brutal. These years of her illness and death have been gruelling. The trauma is real. So maybe it’s not so strange that all I want is quiet right now. And to feel not alone, like you say.

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve also found people to react unfeelingly. It’s the icing on the cake isn’t it? x

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Hi Treehugger

You put it so well “something we just got mixed up in by mistake”. That’s just how I feel too.

I think people just really don’t know how to deal with a grieving person. They are frightened of saying the wrong thing so they choose to say nothing - which if only they knew how hurtful that is. I’ve always been a firm believer in “say the wrong thing rather than say nothing”.

The pressure of lockdown easing is quite unbearable isn’t it. I have no desire to become “normal” again as there is no normal for me any more without my lovely Mum.

I’m sorry you’ve lost your Mum at a younger age than a lot of people. My Mum was 83 going on 33, in looks and in outlook. She was so much fun and so kind and caring, one of the most genuine people I’ve ever known.

She became ill during lockdown but we didn’t know it was leukaemia and only got the diagnosis 8 weeks before I lost her. We had to get used to so much trauma in such a short time. I spent as much time as I could with her and she was really quite well considering everything.

On 7th December I went to spend time with her as usual and I knew things had changed. She lost consciousness shortly after I arrived at her flat - I think she waited for me. And the next day she passed with me holding her hand. I’m so grateful I was with her and that she wasn’t in hospital.

You have definitely found the right place here, there are some very kind and caring people who will always respond to you and you’re among people who you don’t have to explain anything to.

You said your partner was being understanding so that’s good. Take care and keep posting.

Nicky x

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Hi Nicky,

Thank you for telling me about your Mum. She sounds truly wonderful and I can feel through your words her warmth and kindness.

So sorry to hear about how you had to lose her - my mum too became ill over several weeks during (the first) lockdown. She had health conditions but it was still totally unexpected. So I understand the feelings of things unfolding so quickly.

I’m really glad you were close together when your Mum passed. I’m sure she was waiting for you. Although my memories of being with Mum when the moment came are extremely painful to me, they’re also one of the only ways I have of making sense of what’s happened.

I will definitely continue posting. Am very relieved to have found this.

Take care x

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Hi Treehugger

Thank you for your kind words. You can always find kindness and support here.

Nicky x

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