sleepless nights

when Alan, my husband of 50 years, passed almost 18 months ago, sleep wasn’t on the agenda. I’d lie awake staring blankly into space, mind numb with the pain and grief of losing my lovely man. my sleep patterns have been sporadic to say the least ever since. some nights getting an hour, maybe three, other nights 10 minutes if I’m lucky. last night, or should I say Sunday night, miracles of miracles i had almost 7 hours sleep, albeit with the help of a sleeping pill (reluctant to take them regularly but find from time to time they’re a necessary evil).

this night i find myself still awake at 2.42 am having come to bed around 10pm feeling extremely tired yet her I am staring once more at the ceiling. looking at the clock and telling myself if not asleep when the time reaches half past I’ll get up and do something, then telling myself the same thing but when the time reaches the hour. now I’m contemplating getting up at 3am.

I’m absolutely shattered yet unable to sleep. didn’t want to take another sleeping pill, only take one when completely desperate for some sleep.

don’t know why I’m writing this, except perhaps there are many more insomniacs here, equally battling sleeplessness. yet another effect of grief.

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen ☆

3 Likes

hi Jen
like you ive had trouble sleeping,tend to drop off any where between 4am and 6 am.occassionally fall asleep in the late afternoon early evening for an hour or 2 as well.nothing is structured in my life at the moment or for the foreseeable future.im trouble by the lose of my best friend love soul mate Jayne.and the twisted family that as shown me nothing but hate since Jaynes passing.thought they at least liked me enough to give me a little comfort.this plays through my mind daily ok they are not my relatives but they were Jaynes and ive know them 28 years.not the best time to find out there disliking of me.im going try drift off as ive got a driving lesson come therapeutic session at 10.15am
good luck with getting some sleep.
regards
ian

morning Ian, so sorry you too have trouble sleeping , it was gone 4 am again for me this morning, today marks the 18 months milestone since my husband passed. the days are improving overall, although been buckling a little over these past few days. just little things that trigger a memory catching new unawares.

I have read many of your posts but not replied to many as I didn’t know what to write. the one thing i have learnt in this enforced journey is that we should live it ad best we can for both of us, I should and starting to live this different life for both Alan and myself , just as you should do for Jayne and yourself. as you say these nasty people aren’t your relatives so don’t give them empowerment to ruin your attempt to live this different life for you both.

if they are as unfeeling as you day, and I don’t doubt you for one second, don’t give them power over your emotions. they will be living their lives without giving you any kind thoughts so please don’t let their hatred of you eat you up inside. hold Jayne’s memory deep within your heart, they cannot take that away from you, and day by day you will become a stronger person. it’s not an easy road to travel I know, I have been with Alan for 54 years now, 50 years married on the earth plane and 20 months married in spirit. I shall always be his wife and this does give me extra strength to start to live this different life for the both of us. His mother did her dammedest to come between us and try to split us up every moment of our married life until her death but we were too strong in our love for each other , and this is the most powerful emotion to help us all through the days, weeks and months ahead.

none of us can change what has happened just as none of us can change the attitude of others towards us, but we can change how we allow these attitudes affect us. please take comfort in knowing you will always have that precious gift none of her family can remotely lay claim to and that is the love you had for each other.

just take it one day at a time, one step at a time if necessary I do.

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen ☆

5 Likes

Jen, what a lovely message to Ian and I hope you don’t mind me also taking your advice. Since Brian died his family have made no contact with me. I have written, sent e-mails and telephoned. This bothered me as I felt I was letting Brian down, I thought I must be a terrible person although there had never been a cross word between any of us in over thirty years. I didn’t see them often so not going to exactly miss any of them but I felt a failure. One of the forum members wisely said that it was Brian’s family who had let him down as I was the person he loved and they hadn’t bothered to give me any support. This gave me another view of things. However last week I found out that Brian’s beloved Auntie had passed away shortly after him. He called her his ‘surrogate mother’ as he wasn’t brought up by his own mother. She never had any children of her own so Brian was her ‘son’ and they was very close although they lived a long way from each other. She had been an important person in my life for over thirty years. Yet not one of his family had bothered to let me know and allowed me to grieve with them. I had written letters to her but thought she also didn’t want to be in touch with me anymore. Brian asked me just before he died to take care of her as he knew his death would shatter her, which apparently it did. I found out about her death on the day of the anniversary of my Brian’s death and can only hope that they are together enjoying their long gossips together once more.
You are so right unkind families cannot take away from us the love we shared with our loved one’s and I for one am going to forget Brian’s. I hope Ian will find some peace from his also.
Bless
Pat xxx

2 Likes

Hi Forgot to mention the sleep problem. I doubt I would ever get to sleep, unless exhausted through lack of it, if it wasn’t for the TV. I hate putting the light out and lying in the dark so I put the TV on, the light out and start watching some rubbish or other. I then manage to drop off and wake up to switch off the TV later. Otherwise I find myself going to sleep during the evening. My sleep patterns also all over the place.
xxx

1 Like

hi Jen
thank you for you comments.ive read it through several times.as regards the family its just sad that they could be more comforting or should I say just give a bit of comfort.as you said they are not my family and I should just try cut them off.sad thing is the 2nieces and 3nephews I know Jayne loved them greatly and its sad I cannot keep incontact as it would be difficult with the nasty attitudes of the parents.if ever in years to come they have there own minds to make there own choices and ever contact me I will tell them what a loving caring aunty she was and that I had no choice regarding keeping in contact.not sure im on the improving as each day goes by at present.to say I cry at times over the memories of losing Jayne is a tad of an understatement im like a big baby I must admit maybe one day I might get through a day without shedding bucket loads of tears.im also in awe of your relationship 54 years is a very long time to be a loving couple.thats amazing and im sorry at your loss as we know if your inlove with your partner doesnt matter if they are 18 or 80 love is love and a loss can be just as devastating.good luck in taking each day as it comes and managing to live life as you desire.
all the best for the future ian

2 Likes

Hi Jen I am so like you having been married for over 50 years and I still love my Ron so much. I lost him just over 3years ago and it is still so hard. But I am so thankful for having his love for such a long time. We always said when one goes we will still be married and I still love him in spirit. This site has helped me so much and everyone who is grieving. xxxx Carol xxxx

3 Likes

,hi Pat
thats what I do.or ive recorded fav programs me and Jayne loved watching together,like diagnosis murder ,midsummer murders,take adverts out and watch till I drift off ,which could be anytime.you and Jen are like a few wonderful people on here who reach out and give a little solace to those in the same or similar boat.and showing there are lots of us going through this turmoil.i mostly dont know what to say.i read posts were no one commented and try think of something put but at times id sooner say nothing than something which might cause conflict rather than comfort.thank you
regards
ian xx

Hi Jen, Like you, since my beloved husband died almost 19 months ago, after 59 years of marriage, in which we were such close soulmates, I frequently spend half the night awake. My sleep habits vary. Sometimes, I have a short weep, then settle down and sleep, though not straight through! Other nights I go to bed and lie waiting for sleep to come for about two hours, then decide to get up, make myself a warm drink and go and settle in my favourite armchair in the lounge, have my drink, then begin to read a book or magazine, only to then fall asleep, and wake up two or three hours later, book still in hands! If by that time, it is early, say 5.00am, I then go back to bed for another couple of hours. I’ve developed this habit, so much, that I almost look forward to getting up and having my early morning read! Life is so very different now, in all sorts of ways. Some days, in the early days of bereavement, I joined various organisations in order to make myself go out especially to make human contact! I’m not particularly shy, but do hesitate to go out since Alan died. Mainly, because I’m afraid of becoming upset at not having Alan beside me, maybe in an environment that I know he would have enjoyed. I realise that to some extent, while my husband became less active, due to his health deteriorating, I also was becoming used to staying in with him, which, we both found very companiable, and I am now glad that we spent time in that way. Once I’m out, I am usually glad I have made the effort. We cannot expect to get over the loss of a lifelong husband or partner in just a short space of time, as I often find those who have not experienced such a loss, expect to be the case. Of course, another ‘night-time’ activity that I have developed is writing on this forum from time to time! With my best wishes. Deidre

1 Like

good morning Jen.
I still cannot sleep to well.its 5.08am might drop off in a minute or 2.hope your fast asleep.
or at least dropped off and getting a few winks to see you through the day.
my minds racing a little saw doctor today,got asthma assessment weds and if all goes well hopefully will be cleared to start making the sky diving for charity in Jaynes name an actual reality.
kind regards
ian x

1 Like

Has someone put a spell on me… Since starting this conversation I have started waking up at about 2a.m. I can’t get back to sleep so on goes the TV or I read. Then I go back to sleep when I should be thinking about getting up. I would be grateful if I could sleep until 5a.m. at the moment. I had been sleeping quite well until now. xx

1 Like

your not the only one awake at this un godly hour im nearly always still awake.i pass time by reading these posts and posting new stuff to promote the love i feel for Jayne.hope you manage atay asleep until 5am this morning
regards
ian x

Hello my friends, I have read all the posts in respect of sleeping. I reached 80 years of age, exactly one week before my husband passed away so suddenly. I have multiple health problems, has any of you thought of taking a couple of paracetamol just before you go to bed. I have been taking medication for years, although since I started living on my own, my doctor has cut me down, which is fair enough, I do not go to bed very early, it is usually about 11 pm and I listen to LBC radio, phone ins, there are some excellent topics, most of the time sometimes it is just daft. I always go to sleep with the radio still on, my Springer Spaniel usually wakes me up, with a not very gentle swipe. this is when I have my first cup of tea. Sometimes I go back to bed, other times I stay up and catch up with the TV News. I just thought I would mention my rather dull existance. A carer comes about 10 am, she is a gem, and I have obtained a dog walker, our children have told me that they are very proud of me by coping the way I do. Little do they know about the floods of tears which turn on like a tap, without warning.

I wish all of you a restful and sleepy night, I shall see all of you tomorrow, x x x

Hello there,
I hope you don’t mind me saying but I think you are really doing well and finding a routine that suits you. I take something at night to help me sleep, a couple of glasses of wine or a brandy,it works for me
Please no comments about not having alcohol, I am 70 , lost my husband of 40 years I think I am allowed that :grinning:

1 Like

Lancashire lass,
You are definitely allowed alcohol. My mum refused to stop having wine if she wanted it. She said she would rather die than never have alcohol.
A colleague of mine died yesterday. He was young didnt drink didnt smoke and ran marathons. It made no difference in extending his life x

1 Like

I go to bed early but wake up probably about 5 times a night. I like a glass of wine at the weekends. I would do it during the week aswell but I already need to lose weight.

1 Like

Thank you very much for your kind message, Lancashirelass1, of course you are allowed to drink alcohol. I used to love my couple or three drinks at night. It came as a real blow when I developed an inherited blood condition called porphyria, I think my mother very kindly bestowed it upon me, I am glad that my much younger brother and sister did not have it too. My Mother blamed Hitler for the fact that there is a large gap between us. My dad was in WW2 and my Mum and I did not see him for 4 years. I am 80 years old, I am sure my dear husband waited until I had had my 80th biirthday, he passed away exactly one week after the event. God Bless him. Take care and thank you.

MaryL

My brother passed away 4 years ago, I meant to mention this in my earlier post. Bless him, just before he died he rang me, to say “Goodbye” and to tell me that he loves me. MaryL

I feel it. I already had sleep problems, sleeping a maximum of 4 hours at any one time. I lie awake for hours. I lost my partner 6 weeks ago from lung cancer and I had been caring for him. His pain made him be awake often, so towards the end, I was having 2 hours at a time at the most. And now I don’t even get that. I feel more than half mad now
X