Although I registered here a year ago this is my first time to share. Reading your letters has been so comforting. I have spent so many months in shock as my husband of 26 years died at the scene in an accident and was so badly injured I was strongly advised not to see him so I never got to say goodbye. In the morning he was here, gave me a big hug, asked me if he should shop for anything and left, never to see him again. Like so many of you we were very close, went everywhere together but on this occasion he went to meet a friend who was going through some difficult times but on his way was killed crossing the road. It destroyed me. I lost a lot of weight. I seem to function on nervous energy. We didn’t have children as we were more than content with each other. He was tall, handsome and romantic with a wicked sense of humour and could fill a room with laughter.
The loneliness is something I find very difficult to bear. He was a joker. I look around me at the little gifts he bought me over the years. The silence is deafening. Like so many of you my family are too busy living their lives with the exception of one sister who lost her husband many years ago. She calls me every day as she knows what It’s like but friends seem to have disappeared into the woodwork apart from the occasional phone call. I really don’t understand western society. We treat bereavement like some sort of disease and run away from it.
I try to keep myself busy and I rescued a little dog. I walk every day with him and he has been a great comfort but I still cry daily. My husband and I met late-ish in life so most of my life is behind me. We were both separated and had walked away from toxic relationships. We couldn’t believe how lucky we were to have found each other.
One thing that has helped is watching people on utube talk about their near death experiences. Some who died on the operating table and were brought back to life share what they experienced. These people are from all over the world but have very similar stories. Many describe being in a beautiful place where the scenery is beyond description seeing their loved ones and feeling unconditional love. Many said they did not want to come back but were told it was not their time. I am not religious but I do believe in god. I think we are all like butterflies and this is the caterpillar stage. We will definitely see our loved ones again. Thank you all for being here.
In my minds eye, I imagine the “special place” starts at rainbow bridge 
then on to beautiful green countryside with tree covered lanes & my hubby with his dogs are as happy as Larry. 
G. X
I’ve not been online but thank you for that wonderful thought. It’s 15 months now since my love died and lately I’m feeling worse than ever. I see him in my minds eye everywhere I go as we used to walk everywhere together. I sometimes wish I had the courage to end it all. I feel so empty.
Although I don’t respond very much I do read the sad letters. Not that I wish other people to be in this situation it comforts me to know I’m not alone in this hell. I cry several times a day even though it’s 18 months since my love died. He is constantly with me and I chat with him in my mind especially when I’m walking. I keep myself busy as much as possible but the loneliness and the reality that he is gone is sometimes to much to take in especially when I wake up in the mornings.
For those of you who may not have heard of them I have joined the “Jolly dollies” which is a network for widows around the country. They have get togethers, holidays etc. They are a rapidly growing organisation and great for those of us who are alone. Sending love to all