Just had a message from a ‘friend’ to go and sit with her in the garden. I said not having a good day,bit tearful. She told me not to be miserable,it changes nothing. Weeks since I lost my husband of 55 years!
When people show you who they are!!!
She is a widow,by the way
Hi Woody, unfortunately for them not everyone who has been married were in love. I have seen people actually, let us say to be kind, content when their partner has died.
All the best
Tom
Dear Woody
That is awful, unbelievable. All I can say is maybe she wasn’t thinking or didn’t mean it the way it sounds. I hope that’s the case. Sending you a hug x
It is usually all about her but this shocked me.
Thanks for the hug,really need it today
Dear Woody
People do shock you after you’ve suffered such a loss but others suprise you too. My two closest friends I’ve not seen since my husband’s funeral but people I’ve not seen in years have been amazing x
How awful to say such a thing. I haven’t heard from a so called ‘friend’ in over 3 months. I’m actually quite glad as all she does is moan about her husband being around the house all the time. Says she would love some time on her own. I said to her I have nothing but time on my own, but I didn’t choose this existence. I’d give anything for my lovely husband to be here with me.
I suppose as Tom said, some people just don’t have the love that we were lucky to experience with our dear partners.
Not every widow is the same, that’s for sure. I’ve been meeting such reactions all the time. When I had enough of comments and advices, I was happy to come home. Sometimes it’s better being alone and happy with memories, than surrounded by people who hurt you even more.
Janka
I would like to sit face to face with someone look them in the eye and tell them exactly how I feel. Not tell them Im fine,not all the one day at a time c**p,just how raw ,heartbroken and lost I am and for them to listen. Not tell me their experiences,just about me. I cant do this with family,they are worried enough. I feel if I could get it off my chest,I would feel a bit lighter. I dont want to talk ,I want someone to listen. Only one I could do this with is my sister but she fell out with me because I didnt ‘invite’ her to the funeral. Another story!
Bereavement really shakes your world up!!!
Dear @Woody9
That’s why this forum is a godsend I know it won’t be face to face but you can post on here and we all listen/read and understand.
Please keep posting on here for support.
Sending you a big virtual
Catherine
I did just that with my counsellor yesterday, I’m blessed with her. She really understands and I can pour my heart out.
I was exhausted after it and there was a lot of tears last night though…
Silly woman!!! Ignorance I am afraid! Put aside with all the rest if the crap we have to indure!
Someone said to me the day she found it better that she throw herself into her work, career type!, when she list her dad. HintingI should be working!
Well I wouldn’t have been able to look after my dying husband if I had a career job. And there is no way I’d been in fit state to go into a work place after! I don’t regret any of my choices, I wanted every last minute with him and it is my only comfort that I was able to do it, as hard as it was.
Understanding is a kind gesture but some people just don’t have that I am afraid!
Hi Woody, According to doctors/scientists crying when we are in grief does help– because it helps our bodies produce some substances that make us feel a tiny bit better.
so what that lady said to you is plain wrong! Crying does make you feel a bit less miserable, it does help! Hope your day is better today.
Dear Woody
Have you got a bereavement group nearby? The one I go to has a councillor you can speak to privately if you need too. I went to a few before I found one where I felt comfortable.
This group has become my go to place, keep posting. I know it’s not face to face but it certainly helps me x
Hi Woody
Firstly, I am so sorry for the hurt your friend’s reaction has caused you. I experienced the same unfathomable responses from some that I considered my closest friends and, sadly, I have also had some of these cut ties with me - no explanation, no obvious reason. I’ve questioned myself over and over as to what I could have done to have them ‘abandon’ me when I needed them the most.
I have learned that their decision to walk away is not to do with us. It is their fear. Either of a profound loss they have been fortunate to have not experienced yet or a fear of revisiting a loss they have already experienced. This may be an unpopular view but perhaps your friend hasn’t yet fully accepted the loss they’ve experienced. Knowing what you’re experiencing may be terrifying. Inviting you to spend time with them in their garden, their safe space, may be them reaching out in the only way they can, but knowing when you’re together it will inevitably be a time of sharing something deeply emotional and of a shared experience you’d never want a friend to ever experience too.
A friend of mine lost her husband a year after me and, I can’t explain why but, I felt guilty. Knowing all that she was feeling, was yet to feel and experience and, in truth there was nothing I could do to ease her suffering.
Grief is cruel and indiscriminate. The only things that are the same for us all is that our lives change forever. We change as people. We learn our own ways to navigate a path none of us could ever imagine. Perhaps you can both support each other in your own personal bereavement journeys - they’ll be different but you know everything is different now.
Sending you strength, peace and one of those knowing smiles, one widow to another, that says “I see you”. 
I don’t think everyone has marriages that are heart based. I’ve come to that conclusion. Many people stay married for finances, children, stability, etc. I have a neighbor and he said after his father passed his mother was fine. “She stays busy and socializes” he said. I think she’s in her 80’s now and her son lives w/ her. Maybe he helps and his presence helps. But, how does it fill the void of losing your life partner?
Hi Nancy, 42 percent of marriages end in divorce. It has been falling in recent years but if you ask me this is because most people don’t brother getting married in the first place. If you have a long term relationship and you break up it’s the same in my book.
If so many relationships break up you can imagine before they do they aren’t in a happy place and then as you say many stay together for all sorts of reason other than love.
Wishing you all the best
Tom
Dear Woody9, I lost my dear husband 6 years ago and still miss him every day. i have been hurt so many times by friends and family saying are you not over it yet just get a life!!! I had a good life with my darling husband and I will miss him always. We love our pets but we miss them when they grow old and die, and we may pop down to the rescue centre and get another pet, you cannot do that when your Husband or Wife dies. We are so lucky to have this site to come to and I have had great comfort day and night coming on here when I have been very sad. Much love and hugs to you from CAZ 3J
The thing I’ve learned or gained insight into is that when you have a lot of love and affection for someone, it will rise to the top. So, even w/ issues and problems in a relationship, as we all have had, if there is strong and abiding love/affection, it rises above the problems. I have as much love now for my spouse as I had when he was physically here. Death has no power to change that. My opinion anyways.
Thank you Caz3j
Everything about grief is so confusing.I dont know where I am or what I am supposed to do anymore.
Its strange how people react. The one ones who you think understand and will support you seem to look the other way and people you hardly know have been the kindest.
I think my impatience is getting the better of me and I think I can just soldier on. I cant ,I am going to retreat a little bit and not let other people live in my head.
Beautiful way of thinking 
