So called :friends'

I understand exactly how you feel, I have so called friends on Facebook, who I felt really let down by, who couldn’t spare the time in their day to simply click a button to acknowledge the heartfelt post when I announced my grief over the death of my Dad. They had seen over the years, the endless posts of us together with my boys. It really hurts when all you really want is kindness and people to simply say I know your not ok but I’m thinking of you!! I have a lot of resentment and anger when I was once such a happy and forgiving person!

Hi. Pleased you joined in my rant. I was just so incensed by the comments from the people I’d at one time classed as friends I definitely had a bad ‘grumpy old woman’ moment.
I can understand you treasuring your letter, means a lot when someone takes the time to write. I’m happy with the progress of technology but won’t ever replace a letter that you read again and again.
I know we’ve ‘spoken’ on here in the past and you’ve been kind enough to respond to the posts I’ve made. I seem to remember your husband died about the same time as mine. I hope times are being kinder to you now. Sometimes the time seems to have flown by doesn’t it and then sometimes it seems like yesterday. I know so many say the first year is the worst, I think that’s because we’re spending special days on our own for the first time. Bob never used to send me a birthday card or present (he’d be spending the money on drink) but on my birthday in July I was really upset and angry that he wasn’t here so that I could moan at him for forgetting. Isn’t that ridiculous.
It’s definitely times like these we see the true nature of people. I have 2 friends that have been amazing, known them for 45 years and he was our best man. Sadly over the years we’d lost contact except for Xmas cards and the like. A year before Bob died I found out their daughter, who was the same age as my son, had cancer and I wrote to them. It was just like I’d seen them the week before. Sadly their daughter died in the June, 6 months before Bob, but they were there supporting me despite their own grief. I stayed with them for 5 weeks after I’d sold my house and she came with me on the ship and train to the USA before flying home and I stayed.
So there are good people and we must treasure those. I would, however, do the same as you and make sure the ones who let us down don’t ignore us, I’d delight in that too.
Take care. Best wishes Mo x

I completely gave up with someone I thought was a life long friend.
I’ve known her since childhood. She decided to lecture about my grief and my role as a long term carer.
She thinks that “grief is no big thing”! The more I listened to her the more arrogant she sounded. She’s never understood boundaries.
I just decided that just didn’t need someone who took my sad situation and made it considerably worse. (I’ve never said much about my grief too her, as I know what she’s like. She’s a know all.)
She not lost any parents yet, so she in for a big surprise!

Hi. Daffy.
So ‘Grief is no big thing’. Of course it’s not. Being run over by a bus is no big thing, until you experience it yourself!!! In anxiety or grief the old expressions come up. ‘Pull yourself together, snap out of it, stop behaving like a child’. It’s just what the sufferer wants to do but can’t. Your friend has a lot to learn indeed. It maybe she is in denial. She can’t accept the fact that one day she will have to face this pain.
I have found that those ones who you would not think would be helpful, were. The older so called ‘friends’ can let one down badly. ‘I will keep in touch’ at the funeral really means ‘I can’t be bothered any more’. One lifelong friend has not been heard of for over a year. I don’t want to hear from her anyway. We have to soldier on mainly alone, unless we have understanding friends or relatives. Even then it’s still a lonely old business. But I have friends on here who do know.
Take care and Blessings.

I like Facebook, purely because I can see how my nephews and nieces are growing up. They are all over the world.

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Jonathan, you could be right. She could be in denial.
True and not fair weather friends are hard to find.

Hi Mary
Yes I do like Facebook. It was a brilliant way to keep in touch with family, watched my Grandson grow to a 12 year old via fb and messenger until I joined my son and family in USA last July.
I just don’t like the so called ‘caring friends’ who are jumping onto the Be Kind messages, when in reality they were anything but that, hence my grumpy rant that started these conversations.
Think it does you good to have a moan sometimes, I certainly felt better for it.
Take care Mo x

Hi Jonathan
Certainly agree with you. Last thing any of us need is a ‘pull yourself together’ comment. If it as easy as that we’d have all done it by now.
I think the one thing loosing our loved one has done is shown us who our true friends are. The way some so called friends of mine behaved was so hurtful, especially the ones I’d supported through thick and thin but I guess we never really know someone until the chips are down as they say.
Years ago, actually 40 plus years ago, we had a group of friends, we all celebrated together 21sts, engagements, weddings, children being born. Sadly over the years our contact dwindled until we only saw each other at the odd second weddings and then over the later years funerals. But they were the friends who contacted me first when my husband died, one girl who’d been given her own terminal prognosis, another in Australia the same, both now sadly passed.
I’d contacted one couple again a few months prior to Bob dying when I heard their daughter had terminal cancer. She sadly died 6 months prior to Bob. Again their support never faultered despite their own grief.
So I feel blessed with the old friends because they are the true ones. Although we’d all had busy lives over the years it’s like we’d all only spoken the other day when something sad has happened.
I’ve left the UK now to live with my only son in usa, but my wonderful old friend came with me, boat, train and then she flew back home.
I do feel blessed by people like this, afraid I was venting suppressed anger at people who I’d felt had let me down in my original post (or rant as it seemed). At least I felt annoyed enough to rant, wouldn’t have felt anything at all a little while ago, so perhaps I’m coming through this now. Let’s hope so.
My best wishes to you. Mo x

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Actions mean so much more than words. I am glad you had your aunties to comfort you.

I found out who my friends were when my Mum died. One took the opportunity to have a row with me and was foul so I have cut her out of my life completely. The wonderful people were Mum’s friends who have staye in touch and are friends to me now. One phoned me to check I was alright in the floods we have been having. More than any of my blood relatives have done.

When I have looked on Facebook and seen posts from Alans grandchildren saying about reaching out to friends and being Kind, all so they can get a like for doing so. But where were they when Alan was poorly in hospital, when they didn’t even visit. He wasn’t just some celebrity or some random person he was their grandad. My son also commenting on situations like this whether they be stars or just general public, all to make themselves look good. These aren’t kids we are talking about but 30 and 40 year olds. My son has now chosen not to have anything else to do with me just as his elder brother doesn’t. So its not only friends who don’t support you, but family, who appear to be such goody goodies on facebook. Janet x

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Hi Janet, how sickening for you to read such things from your own family. I am sorry but it seems to be the norm these days. I don’t and never will use FB but I had an e-mail from a family member who was telling me about my daughter who hasn’t been in touch with me herself for months or over Christmas, this is probably because I won’t use FB or any other type of Social media. My advice is don’t go onto FB so that you don’t see these messages and then your family can’t cause you so much pain, they have caused you enough.
Take care
xx

This is so comforting to read from you and all the comments it has generated. I was am still so shocked and hurt by people who were supposed friends having no time, interest or care me for after my husband Graham died.
As individuals and as a couple we cared for so many people and it as though I have died too.
I get texts/short phone calls and am asked if I am ok. When I say I am not, I know they don’t want to know and just get fed up with me.
So thank you and everyone for helping me to know that this is not just me experiencing this

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