It’s been three months since my husband died and I am lost. Counselling is not helping and each day is torture. I am not sure I’m going to make it through this.
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Hi. Miller and Welcome. Three months is so little time. You are still in shock so please try and not judge yourself as you are at the moment. Things can change over time and the pain does ease, well that’s my experience after two years.
Counselling takes time. It’s not a ‘magic wand’ and a lot of patience is required. You will make it through the pain and the awful emotions. We all feel that way in the beginning. We look at the mountain of pain and grief and think we will never be able to climb. Climbing out of the pain takes time, and of course, we will never forget. But we need to put on the climbing shoes of faith and hope and begin the journey. Distractions are all very well, but we still have to come back to the loneliness within ourselves. We can be in a crowd and still the pain of loneliness is there. Sometimes, at first, all the paperwork and things that need to be done can ease the pain a little, but when it’s all over it’s then that the awareness of the enormity of what has happened hits us, at least that is my experience. The old saying ‘one day at at time, even one hour at at time’ comes to mind. Take care of yourself. It’s so easy to neglect ourselves when in grief.
You have support here from those who understand your pain.
Blessings and be kind to yourself. John.
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Hi MIller
You have received some excellent advice already and I can confirm that you will make it through this terrible time although you see no hope at the moment. Its a long hard road and grief is merciless but grieve we must so don’t be afraid to cry and let out those feelings. I see you have a daughter and for her sake you have to get through this. Hard facts I’m afraid as she needs you as much as you need her. The pain will become less intense, at least that is what I have found.
I also like to keep occupied which has helped me but you will find your own way. Some of us find it better when we come to some acceptance but that is further on for you, so don’t worry about that for now. Just concentrate on looking after yourself and your daughter, and getting through each day.
Excellent advice: We don’t much like this life that has been thrown at us but it is the only one we have so make the best of it for now.
Stay with this forum, always a helping hand as we all understand how your feeling and it really does help to be in touch with like minded people.
Good luck to you and your daughter
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Thank you I sit every morning shaking with fear - I miss seeing my family - it’s so hard to carry on
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Hi, I agree it is difficult but carry on we do. Your loss is still so new and very raw and the emotions can be overwhelming. Please don’t be afraid to grieve we have to allow ourselves to do this.
xx
Thank you for your advice
Thank you I cannot sleep wake up in terror will that ever end
Hi. It will end. It will end because grief is a process we go through, and like all processes it has to run its course. If we can go with it and accept it the burden becomes a little easier.
I said before, three months is so little time. Allow time to pass without resisting. Now in no way am I minimising your awful pain, and what I suggest is not easy. But so many of us try to get rid of the emotions in all sorts of ways. But emotions are there for a purpose. It’s Nature’s way of allowing stress to come out. Take care and allow time to pass. John.
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Thank you so much, the temptation to give up is so strong with some days I cannot move. I will hold on to your words that something will change.
Hi, TWMA. That’s exactly how it goes. There is no rushing through grief. It will take its own time and we should allow time to pass as painful and awful as it is. Recover is so slow that we often can see no light at the end, but it’s a very subtle process. I am not talking about forgetting, no way, not possible! Yes it is a bloody long and very painful road. The very person that could have helped us along it has gone. But I still find some comfort in knowing she is still there and will be with me always. 5,6,and 7 will come and you can take them as they come with the knowledge you have gained.
Take care and keep going with some hope in your heart. John.
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Hi. TWMA. Oh yes, I know just how you feel. If I was an impolite guy and didn’t give a toss about other’s feelings
I would love to answer back to stupid questions like ‘You OK now?’ ‘Don’t be stupid, of course I’m not. How could I be? If that’s all you can say best shut up!!!’ But then I would scare everyone away. Some friends, very few, have stuck with me, others have gone, and just as well. I got sick of platitudes and so called ‘kind’ remarks. I am at the point now where I am very particular who I see and talk to. If I see certain people coming I avoid them. Why get upset by some unthinking person? You are so right abut words.
“The moving finger writes, and having writ moves on. Not all thy piety or whit can remove one word of it”.
Words have power and we can so easily be upset by harmful words, even those with so called kindness. Yes, it would be something to see their reactions if we told them what we really feel. Take care. John.
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Hi Miller, it’s so hard. 7.5 months since my daughter passed and I have yet to have a day without crying. I’m just going with the flow and doing what I feel like doing. All her paperwork is now done and her house sold and now I feel as though I am at a loose end. I am not sure what to do, I need to find myself but do it in my own time. I have family and friends but at the moment quite like being on my own, I need to rebuild myself from the bottom up. I am not depressed, I am just incredibly sad but I know that in time I will find the right path to go down. I think you are not giving yourself a chance, it is such early days yet, Please do not be too hard on yourself, you will get there, it may not be easy but you will xxx
Like you Jude 53 I too am at a loose end. After 4 months I have done all the paperwork, legal stuff, banking etc. and thought I had my life in some sort of order. I still cry every day but I keep my feelings to myself. Family all live away and I don’t drive now so I get lonely. Today I was really upset as I’ve had to buy a carpet cleaning machine and I have just done the whole house with it. The upset is because we used to have a carpet cleaning business for many years and Mike always cleaned our carpets. He would have been so sad if he could have seen me today. It just made me feel so lost without him as he was my absolute soul mate. Love can be so strong that it physically hurts.
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Hello you are right today I had to get someone in to fix boiler that is something Keith always did taking care of the house it brings it home he is not here and I am devastated x
You know what, your husband wouldn’t be sad, he would be incredibly proud of you xx
He did because he wanted to, but that doesn’t mean you are not capable. You are a strong woman, you can do anything you put your mind to xx
Hi.
Miller1
I am feeling the same way . It has been 2 months since my husband died.
I am feeling out of place, lost dont know what to do. Yes it feels like a torture arriving home or cpecisl in the evening when we used to seat and watch tv.
Be strong it seems thd general advise but i think breathing is enought with such a painful koments throught the day.
Breath and hope we can see a future
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Hi Devi. You’re right and I’d forgotten but the day after my husband died I did a yoga video from YouTube called yoga for after a disaster. I used to do yoga with adriene from YouTube most days from this previously, not the headstand type but just breathing and stretching trying to prevent back pain returning. This yoga video for after a disaster helped me breathe more normally again that day after the day my CPR didn’t save my husband and I went into total panic following. Today I will try to do that video again as these almost three weeks probably what makes me feel worse is that I am not breathing normally. It’s 30 minutes of slow breathing and stretching, maybe ill do that.
Family telling me to process his death in my head and move on - they have no idea
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Miller1 they do have no idea. I hate getting solutions to something there is no solution to and we just need people to listen to us and say our loved ones name with us.
I got upset with my oldest friend yesterday and keep replaying it in my head. My husband’s funeral is Tuesday and I’d only spoken to her briefly previously when she’d asked me to change the subject when I was telling her how his death happened and that he was dead.
Yesterday she phoned again and straight away launched into a whole thing about how she had been thinking and is certain he is still with me (she is religious, I am not at all) then went on to say I am young and she knows I will meet someone else so “not to worry”.
Another friend last week told me I was lucky as her husband and her have problems and that is worse.
I am glad to have found this place as no one understands. After only almost three weeks I wouldn’t expect these comments so I bet it gets much worse as time goes on.