So Lost...!

Hi,…I’ve just lost my wife of 30 years to a three year cancer battle…ahhh even writing this breaks me, I’m finding it so hard.
She passed on 15th June four weeks ago as I write this, the funeral just two weeks ago, Then it was her birthday last Saturday she would have been 53, and my sons birthday today who is 24. We have four children and seven grandchildren. who have all been fantastic for me and more importantly each other at dealing with all we have in the last few weeks, Now everyone has gone and it’s just me here now, well me and our two dogs, who also know things have changed big time !!! Firstly I’ve never had a problem with my own company although never like this…granted, but I just seem so lost, rudderless just ghosting through the day, to make it to another one.
I returned to work yesterday after time of on furlough to look after my poorly wife. That in itself was hard, constant, worrying,frightening because I read a lot, maybe too much…ha !
When my wife was settled and had her meds and was all tucked up safely, I would read about her condition…firstly breast cancer that had spread to the lymph nodes under her arm then, auto immune liver disease that stopped her having chemo, then metastatic cancer of the spine that eventually travelled to her brain…
My second day back at work today and I had to come home early… I had a melt down…ha, nightmare, not what I wanted in front of everyone… that tight feeling around your chest like there’s a ratchet strap just being tightened up, crushing you, physically hurting, wtf…!
Sorry, …ahhh everything is just so hard at the mo,I start a job then halfway through see something else that needs doing and go start that, for a bit then something else and end up finishing nothing!!!
Busy doing nothing alright,
The last three years have been tough on us emotionally but I seem to have a problem letting it out now,When my wife was feeling down I would try and be her rock, When she was feeling good I couldn’t bring her down with my Sh!t, ! sorry again,
All her stuff is still where it always was, it kills me…but also gives me strength weirdly enough, I just don’t know who I am anymore, thirty years together is a lifetime, I met her when I was twenty, A boy, she turned me into the man I am today,I’m fifty now…and a widower, never thought it, even seeing it in print, makes it realer.
Well I’m glad I wrote this, if only for my own benefit of more realism as much as I don’t want it…I know I’ve a lot more to come.
This is a new chapter in my life, and I know, one day at a time, baby steps and all, so thanks to any that have taken the time to read this long post, hope it makes some sense, not a lot does to me at the minute.
Thanks
Foggy

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I know what it’s like Foggy. My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 50 a few months ago so I didn’t have chance to say goodbye or be with him but the feeling of being rudderless and lost is definitely there. We were together from being teenagers so I have never been without him really. I just can’t see a future at the moment, other than being here for my children. Keep posting - people here will understand your emotions.

Hi Jules4,
Thanks for replying,I can definitely relate to the being ther for the children, they have just lost one parent, the last/ meanest thing I could do is leave them without any…!!!
Without them and my grandkids then…who knows, But they do definitely 100% give me a much needed purpose, even now in the early days, hopefully it continues, ha !

Yes, I don’t want them to have any more pain. The problem is seeing a future for me personally - that’s harder as it’s just been wiped out.

Jules4,
As I tell myself, yes our futures with our partners have been wiped out…but not Our futures, just different ones.
Honestly I know where your coming from… but, and everything before the word…BUT is horsesh!te… I know but,…they as in our partners would not want to see us throw the towel in,as much as we would like to, believe me when I say I was always a confident man, confident in my own ability, Now…I don’t know who I am…totally lost, I panic about silly things, I’m sure I have anxiety now, wtf…half of me is missing,
I’ve mentioned in another post, I think we can teach/learn/lean on each other to fill the emptiness that we all feel,
No one knows are pain like we do.
Foggy

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I know he would want me to be happy but that’s easier said than done when it was him that made me happy. Like you say I was confident and independent but he was my strength- he always had my back. Without that, it’s so hard.

Hi.
My husband of 45 years passed tgree years ago from pulmonary embolism also having stomach cancer.
Three years on. I am totally lost.
Ive just retired i sit at home and talk to his picture.
Our daughters have their own families. I dont want to intrude.
In my area Bangor nth wales. There us no support teams. Grief councilloring is non existant.
I talk to friends. But i dont think they truly understand.
I miss him so much.
We did almost everything together. He was always there. Three years on. Shut the door you are alone.
For those who have just lost their husbands/ partners. I feel for you.
Its a road we travel. Its good to have your family but they really do not understand.
Im sorry.

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Another tough day today, Ahhhhh…!! I thought work would help…It doesn’t !
It may do, later, but not at the minute, nothing does…I know that deep inside.
Work mates of twenty years giving me a wide berth… Because They don’t know what to say, I get it, but man that just makes me feel even more alone… !! Ahh maybe I’m just venting, maybe I’m going crazy, I dunno… And scarily I don’t care, whatever, I don’t give a Sh!t.
At the minute it’s about getting the day done ready for the next, and that’s it…no plans and no promises.
It’s a lovely sunny warm day down here in the South West today.
But only dark clouds and gloom around me at the mo.
Tomorrow will be easier,
Tomorrow will be easier,
Tomorrow will be easier.
Foggy

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Hi Foggy
Work for me takes me away from home each day. I am a gardener but do not take as much pleasure from it at the moment. Its a means to an end. At first I found this difficult because my better half passed away at home so I felt and still do as though I am leaving him there alone.
I used to in my mad moments and still have them want to rush home but at the same time not wanting to go home.
I cant wait for bed time so I can sleep and for those hours I am at peace with all things. But then another day starts.
Grief is a true madness of the mind because thoughts and emotions are everywhere doing everything.
We are reminded of our grief everytime we think of our loss. An option is to not think but then we lose the memory, its madness. There is no easy ride with this. Hopefull tomorrow will be easier for us all.

It is ten months for me and I still feel the same pain as I did the day my husband died. The person I was disappeared the minute I was told he had not survived the motorbike crash. All those who said they would be there for me do not return my calls - I accept that they have their own lives but it just reinforces the loneliness.

We have two adult kids and two little grandsons - I continue to exist only for them. They are trying to rebuild their own lives but could not stand to have another tragedy thrown at them.

Same as Jules4 my husband made me happy and he was the purpose of getting up in the morning. Now the little grandsons give some respite but it breaks my heart my husband is not here to share the joy and happiness. Friends and family must be allowed to get on with their lives.

I have no future plans and do not think beyond the day that I am in.

Hi
It feels sometimes like groundhog day.
I dont make plans outside of work routine. I wake up see what happens. I have several things going at once as concentrating on anything for to long is impossible.
Stuck in the present longing for the past not looking at the future.
What a life we now lead

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Yes, we are meant to focus on the present, but when it’s as hard as it is now, that doesn’t bring any comfort.

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Thanks, All of you for commenting,
This site really does help me, knowing I am not alone in my grief.
Alone oh soooo alone…but not !
The ONLY people who know how I feel are you…
And I feel your pain, like mine, Ohhhh… then I read posts from people saying this feeling don’t ever go…wtf !
Il tell ya…I can’t keep feeling like this…surly…please !!!

Hi Gwyn73 welcome I hope you find some help here.
45 years is hell of a lot of years of memories to miss. You are 2 years ahead of me and there was me hoping that things might get easier. Only those that have lost their spouse or partner can really understand the true emptieness and sadness that overtakes our every being. it is a case of been there done that now wearing the tshirt.
How everything changes in the blink of an eye. In a way I am glad my girls dont really understand the pain for in order for them to do so means they would have had to go through it. That in itself offers a sadness.
What are we to do. Wake up take a breath and see how the day goes.

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:sob::sob::sob:Got to feel like this for years…OMG…I can’t.

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Time is relative Foggy, think of it as moments. It works for me

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Thank you James73
Your words give me strength…

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Welcome. I have been on here for less than a week. Talking to people like yourself and others has been proved to be more useful than any therapy or medication received. I wish I knew about this forum years ago.
Keep strong my friend,
James

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Hi Foggy,

This might seem like an odd reply in the middle of what you’re going through but I was heartened by your initial post.

It’s about tiny tiny steps but you express yourself so well. Keep talking, keep sharing. Tell the story of what happened over and over if it helps you get nearer to coming to terms.

You refer to a “meltdown” at work. Ultimately this is just another expression of your pain and I’m sure your colleagues would have felt grateful to have a chance to show their support for you

Day at a time… Learning to live a different way is a challenge,

Keeping the communication channels open is a great start.

Nicki

Hi foggy
I have been a member of this site for quite some time but I have never posted before, your story resonated with me. I too lost my husband in November of 2019 after a 3 year battle with cancer, it cruelly took everything from him, even his voice in the end. I got to know a different part of my husband over those years, he was stubborn, stoic, matter of fact and immensely brave, it got him two and a half years more than was forecast and I was in awe of his sheer bloody minded strength and could not have been prouder. I was and still am, heartbroken without him. March 2020 when lockdown began I soon realised what loneliness really was, I could see people at work and chat whilst popping to the shop etc but I mean the really “ empty house, empty bed, empty heart kind of loneliness. I spent time talking to our children of which we have 5 and to my grandsons on zoom but fundamentally it was just me alone with my thoughts and heartache rattling around in a house that was unchanged ( we spent years making our house a home, even now I refuse to erase him from it) he was the love of my life ( these words sound like such a cliche) I have come to realise this more in the time we have been apart, in the time I have spent missing him, that one person who just gets you with no explanation needed, that person who loves you, frustrates you and drives you bonkers all at once. I’m sure you know exactly what I mean. I remember those first weeks and months and how lost I felt, I remember wondering whether I would always feel so desolate and heartbroken, grief is exhausting! Grief is unpredictable, unforgiving and damn right unfair, I’m not ashamed to admit that some days I would just wallow in self pity and cry, I would validate this by telling myself that my loss was worse than anyone else’s because he was young, because we had children because just because!! The list was endless, I couldn’t bare the thought of living in perpetual sadness without him. I was given advice left right and centre, some was unwanted, some unnecessary and some was in fathomable but even encased in my little cocoon of sadness I knew that people meant well and it was born out of concern for my well-being. I spent over 12 months just existing, going through the motions, basically winging it! I spoke to a friend, she too a widow the year before me, part of the club that nobody chooses to be in, she said something to me that got me thinking. She explained that she saw her life without her husband as her third life, the first was the time she spent with her parents, ( a life not chosen) the second was her life with her husband and children and the life she chose and loved, the third was as a widow again, a life not chosen. She explained that although her life with her parents was not a life she chose, she lived it anyway until she chose her husband etc just as the life she had now without him she hadn’t chosen it but decided she would live it anyway. They were just words at the time but they kept coming back to me and 20 months on I cease to exist but I am beginning to live my third life, my smile has returned and my confidence is growing I have a long way to go and I’m ok with that, the sun is shining today and life is a little less bleak. My love for my husband will never diminish, I cherish every memory, I was such a lucky lady to have him in my life for 35 years, I will have him in my heart forever. I am truly sorry for your loss and I hope this gives you a little hope.
Cath.

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