So Low

Coping with bereavement
#1

It’s almost 4 weeks since my dad died and I seemed to be coping with it, well sort of. I guess I’ve kept busy, sorting the funeral, the coroner, looking after my pets.

There’s also been a massive family argument to deal with. My dad left his house to me, I’ve lived with him all my life and was his carer for the last 20 years, anyway my sister is fine with that but my brothers are not, it’s all messy legal stuff but who knows what will happen, there are money issues too

Anyway 4 weeks on and I just suddenly feel so low and utterly alone. I’m sat in a house I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay in or what will happen to me if I can’t, I feel so alone today and … lost. There’s things I should do or could do but I just can’t gather any enthusiasm to do anything or go anywhere

I’m sat thinking about stupid things like Christmas and how it’ll be on my own and why do my brothers hate me so much that they’d see me out on the streets, and if maybe I could’ve saved dad if I hadn’t been at work.

Is this normal ? Saturdays & Wednesdays are so hard as I don’t work those days so just don’t see anyone at all.

#2

Hello Heather
I am so very sorry that you have lost your precious Dad and that your brothers’ attitude is adding to your grief.
Losing someone so close to you is extremely difficult and it is no wonder that you are feeling so low…perhaps your brothers are also grieving and that is affecting their approach. Try not to think too much about the future…whatever happens you will get through it and nothing will ever take away the relationship you shared with your Dad. I read the following soon after I started on this journey…perhaps it will help you : Meet today’s problems with today’s strength.Don’t start tackling tomorrow’s problems until tomorrow…you do not have tomorrow’so strength yet…you simply have enough for today.
I am sure there will be many on this site who will reach out to you so keep on posting. Take care x

#3

Welcome Heatherjh, So sorry for your loss. Four weeks is so soon to even begin to sort out your feelings. I will say from experience that death often brings out the worst in families, and sad to say it is usually over money. Old resentments surface, and the sibling rivalry is still there no matter our age. I have an older sibling who made my life a living nightmare when my mother died, because my mother made me executrix, Now my beloved younger sister passed suddenly, and she is again livid because my younger sister put me in charge of the finances. I was much closer with my family, cared for them in their illnesses, and remained loyal to them. She stopped speaking to both and to me for years at a time. I always gave my older sister her fair share of everything, but she was still suspicious that there was some “hidden assets.” I think your brothers may need some time, as their grief is impacting them too. Later perhaps you could have a family meeting with a lawyer or financial advisor and try to explain everything . These things can get messy, and under the stress of mourning you do not need any more to deal with. A mediator would be less emotional. You say your sister is fine with it, could she possibly help in any way? Right now you must take care of yourself, and hard as it is, try not to put extra worry on yourself. I became ill over my sister’s torment and now with this recent loss it is happening again. I know this is not much help but hope you feel les alone in your unsettling situation. Please continue to post, I am sure the others on the forum will have more to add, Take care and remember that nothing will happen overnight, so do not let your fears overwhelm you (easier said than done),

#4

Thank you both. I’m sure my brothers are grieving but this situation isn’t new, they’ve always been focused on the money, they hadn’t seen me or my dad in years - and then it was only an odd visit at Christmas, just makes me sad that they can be like this - but they were the same when my aunt died

My sister is ok but also grieving and I don’t want to put her piggy in the middle so to speak

#5

Hi Heatherjh

I just wanted to reach out with a virtual hug. It is so awful when money gets in the way of life. Your dad wanted to reward you for being a caring daughter so it seems like a case of just following his wishes. Have you tried speaking to citizen advice or a free consiltation with a solicitor? Once you feel more stable knowing you have a roof over your head, you will then have the time to grieve.

What Amelie’sgran wrote was such good advice about taking one day at a time. That is all any of us on our grief journey can do. She is so right about death not being able to take your relationship with your dad away too.

Keep posting. You are not alone here.

Ann xx

#6

Thank you all again, unfortunately the situation has gone from bad to worse with one of my brothers emailing me accusing me of stealing from dads bank after his death, this did NOT happen, he also told me to stay away from him and his family and I am making him ill with ‘my scheming’. It’s all be very sad and upsetting and I realised I’m spending more time grieving over that situation than my dad, I have consulted CAB and a solicitor and I am meeting a solicitor next week as this is now beyond something I can deal with. I am also seeing my GP next week as I feel I need some help there as well

#7

So sorry Heatherjh, I was also treated like this. When my Mum passed, my older sister insisted there was a “hidden account” left for me, besides everything we all fairly received. She was livid that I was put in charge of the estate, and refused to accept what was stated in the will, that what we received was all there was. Now, my dear younger sister passed away, and also left me in charge of the finances. The older one has accused me of “tampering” with the accounts and questions everything. My family put me in charge because they knew my character and trusted I would handle things with honesty and fairness. The other sister resents that. It is not enough that she gets proof of everything spent (not something I have to do , but do it to stop her accusations). She also gets a fair share of everything left, but she is still suspicious. I agree the stress they cause can interrupt our grief, and sap our energy when we have so little at this difficult time. Some people only care about what they can get, but to me you cannot put a price on a human being that you loved. All I want is my mother and sister back. Best to you in your situation, and we are here if you need to vent. Take care.

#8

Hi Heatherjh,

I am so sorry to read both your posts, this is an awful situation for you to be in. I am so glad to read that you are seeing a solicitor next week. I know it puts things on a different footing but really does seem the best solution, someone neutral to deal with the nastiness and can leave you to recuperate from the loss of your Dad. Seeing your Doctor is also such a good idea as they will help you with advice and anything that you need to help you get through these terrible days.

Like others on here I have experienced the ‘Angry Sibling’. I am nearly two years on from losing my Mum and am still to forgive my sister for her behaviour both when Mum was ill and after she passed away. Nasty comments to and about Mum when she was terminally ill, laughing at her infirmity and afterwards wanting to break open deed boxes and briefcases. Also day in day out shouting and spiteful comments. It was unrelenting and I had to deal with it for over a year until the estate was sorted out and the house Mum and I lived in was sold. I was told I was a laughing stock who would probably refuse to leave the house which had been left to both of us. I was the one in fact who put the house on the market and dealt with the sale whilst also clearing the house and buying my own property. I am now coming up to celebrating my first anniversary in my own house, a celebration which will be held for friends and with one conspicuous absence. My sister will not be invited!

What I am trying to say is you are doing the best thing though it may not feel like it at times. You are the most important person in this situation, not your brothers. Your health and wellbeing is vitally important. I am glad to see you have the support of your sister, take comfort from each other and share all your happy memories of your Dad. You are a very special person to have cared for your Dad for so many years. You must have had a wonderful relationship with him which is yours and yours alone.

Keep coming back here as there are many people here who understand and sympathise with you. The new online bereavement service offered on this site is worth considering as well. Never ever be frightened to ask for help.

Mel
Xx

#9

Well yesterday hit another low. It seems whenever I pick myself up I’m knocked down again. I got a WhatsApp message from my older brother, seemingly nice, saying he understood I had no option but to try and sort the will, seemed like an olive branch so I reached out and took it and we chatted. I explained there was no way I wanted any costs to land on their door, it seemed like we’d started repairing bridges

About an hour later he messaged my sister, telling her a load of lies, saying I’d said I was having the house and they’d have to pay the debts and I’d given him my solicitors details like a threat. It was so far away from the chat we had. He called me names. Luckily my sister has her head screwed on and didn’t believe him

I’m angry at myself for trying to trust him again
I’m so down, why are they being like this (yeah I know - money)

I think the best thing is to let the solicitor deal with it, but god I’m down, so many years wasted over my ‘brothers’ when they should’ve been spent over my dad. Dad would be so ashamed of them

#10

Hi Heatherjh

It is so sad to read your post. I am glad your sister saw through his actions.

I think behaving how your dad would want you to is the only answer so you can hold your head up high knowing he would be proud of you.

I get comfort knowing I did (most) things right for my mum and dad. Guilt would be a horrid thing to live with alongside grief so doing the right thing is…the right thing.

Sending you a hug.

Ann x

#11

Thanks Ann, I just keep thinking what on earth have I done to make them hate me so much

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