Please please I’m desperately seeking someone who can relate. I’m 49. So very very close to my mum who is 74. Probably not healthy on my part but I’m so attached to her. She is my absolute everything. I’m am terrified of her dying (which she will one day, as we all will)
I can not handle this or face this. I live in fear every minute of every day thinking about losing her.
Is there anyone else who is my age and who is so very close to their mum. We are both single and only have each other. I will not survive losing her. I actually have thoughts about ending my life before she dies. But I could never ever do that to her.
Please, I know so many of you have lost your mums and I just haven’t got a clue how I would ever manage to carry on when she is my whole world and reason for living.
Like I say, I know this isn’t healthy, but it’s the way it is. She is my soulmate (not romantically obviously)
I just can’t find anyone anywhere that can relate to how close we are and the fear I’m feeling.
We do everything together, I really don’t have anyone outside my mum
Seriously I have been in their on the last 13 years, sadly my Mum died in November, unexpectedly, i was much more of a mummy’s girl, I am going to be 50 this year, my mum was a bit older than yours, but you will still miss them no matter what, i do try to remember the happy times.
No one could have been closer than my mum and me and I lost her 10 years ago. My mum’s health wasn’t great, breast cancer, heart problems but she lived until 86. My dad was 95. Please try to enjoy the good times with your mum, she should be around for years yet. No one’s time is guaranteed, any of us could be gone tomorrow. I know my mum wouldn’t have wanted me to worry, mums know best x
Oh, dear, I’ve been where you are, years ago. What I can say, now that I’ve lost both my mum and my dad, is that all the fear I had beforehand didn’t do any good and it didn’t somehow make me more prepared. It only took focus from the precious time we did have together.
So that’s what you have to remember. To hold on to. She’s there with you right now and now is all there is, the future doesn’t yet exist. Start each day with thinking, it’s not today, and try to push the worry aside.
I know it’s so difficult to stop being scared and maybe it would be helpful to talk to a counsellor for a bit, just to get advice on how to handle it. One strategy is deciding a set time for worrying, say 8 pm to 8.15 pm. So when you feel the thoughts creeping up, you tell yourself, no, it isn’t 8 pm. It isn’t a quick fix, but with time it can help you so you don’t have to spend every minute caught up in the fear.
Dear Mummysgirl, enjoy your time with your mum and don’t waste time with unnecessary worrying.
My mum had breast cancer at 80 and I thought I was going to lose her, she’s since had TIAs, gallbladder surgery, macular degeneration (is registered blind), and is hard of hearing. She’s been telling me that she thinks her time is up for years, she is now 101 years old, lives in her own bungalow manages to do her washing and cooking, gets support for shopping and cleaning. Mentally she is as bright as a button and I’ve stopped listening when she says she hasn’t long left . The only sadness is that all her six siblings have passed as well as her friends.
You can’t dwell on when someone is going to pass, enjoy being with her now
Dear @Mummysgirl1 , I was incredibly close to my Mum, and because she had health issues that started when I was a young child, I carried a real anxiety about losing her into my 20s/30s/40s. I would replay scenarios in my head, worrying about how I would cope etc. And when my Dad died unexpectedly it made us even closer and that worry got even stronger, so I do understand a bit of what you’re feeling
What helped me was I started practising mindfulness - i used an app and initially I was listening to a walking meditation, but that got me interested in practising meditation on a daily basis. Its not about emptying your mind, its about being present in the here and now rather than replaying a past scenario, or worrying about a future that hasnt happened yet. And that takes practice, the same as you would go to the gymn to build your muscles. For me it brings my mind back in sync with my body, so i feel more connected to the here and now. You can start with as little as 5 minutes a day. After only a short while I noticed that the fake scenarios in my head faded, or when they did appear I was able to recognise them and choose to not let myself entertain them. It also gave me the tools to help ground myself back in the present when stressful situations arose.
I know its not for everyone but personally it enabled me to worry less and focus on the time I had with mum. Its also been a valuable foundation handling my grief now that she is no longer here.
It may also be worth you exploring some counselling, to help understand where your anxieties stem from, and some coping techniques? Sadly everyone has to face the loss of their parents at some point, but do you want fear and worry to cloud the many years you may still have together? Im sure your Mum would just want to enjoy her time with you too
Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I have started counselling and I have started some meds also.
My heart is breaking for you all who have lost a loved one, you’re all so strong and brave.
The problem I’m having is no one really understands how close I am to my mum. It’s embarrassing to admit at my age. I know I will not survive losing her, there would be no point in anything without her, she is my Mum, best friend, and lifelong companion all in one. She is the only person who could get me through anything, I have no one else.
The pain and fear of just imagining losing her is killing me. I know I’m ruining the present by worrying about the future. Worrying over something I have no control over.. but I can’t stop.
Who else only has their mum…? No husband/partner, no real friends? I’m petrified of losing her. My world will end.
I understand your fear, @Mummysgirl1 and i know the feeling of life feeling pointless, but you WILL survive - grief expert David Kessler says “we come from a long line of dead people”! Its part of the natural cycle of life and our brains and bodies are evolved to deal with it - (but that doesnt mean its not excruciatingly painful!) No, I dont have a partner or children, (or furbabies!) and the friends I had couldnt provide the support I needed. I felt desperately alone and in the most terrible pain. I had also lost my job while caring for mum, so had no work routine to give me any stability. So I had to reach out and look around and build the support network I needed. Joining this site, finding local bereavement support groups, reading books and listening to podcasts about grief, joining free webinars, accessing reiki therapy, going for counselling - all of these are things I wasnt doing before I lost Mum, but they interwove like strings in a hammock, supporting me. You’ve already taken a positive step by going for counselling and talking to others on this site
Im not saying im now ok - I still haven’t felt able to find work, I cant face social events with friends, I now prefer quiet and solitude. But at some point the crying every day lessened, at some point the physical pain and exhaustion lessened, at some point the utter hopelessness felt a little lighter and didnt dominate my every thought. I picture my grief a bit like a layer within a sedimentary rock, at the start it was right on the surface and raw, and would bubble up at any opportunity. As time progesses, new layers have been added over the top, so its still there, embedded in me forever, but its no longer right at the surface all the time.
I still haven’t found the “point” in doing things yet, but im beginning to wonder whether I should stop searching for some external purpose/person to make life feel worthwhile and accept that living for MYSELF should be enough of a reason. Thats taken 2.5 years to come to that realisation. So its not an easy or quick journey.
Keep talking to your counsellor, keep talking to your Mum as well - does she have any stories of how she coped with loss in her life? We dont talk about that enough in families i think. And enjoy the time you have right now as best you can.
Hi Mummysgirl, I think what Ally6 said is the best thing to do. You need to look after yourself exercise is a very useful tool to control our minds, meditation is good but I for one find it difficult but for me yoga worked as it centres you, allows you to clear the mind. When my wife died, my life has been reduced to nothing. I have no friends and no one to speak to. I’ll have to start from scratch a new life and the last time I did that was when I left home at 16. After 40 years of marriage it’s going to be so much more difficult but I have to live as that is what my wife would want. You still have your mum and what do parents want more than anything. To see their children living so I would try and make your mother proud.If my wife is watching me I’ll have to make her proud.
Wishing you all the best
Tom
I am 51, like you was extremely close to my mum, becoming her carer brought us closer but made my anxiety and what I now know, I was suffering from anticipation grief far worse.
We can’t change the outcome, but you can look after yourself and continue to love and make more memories. As others have said mindfulness is a helpful tool.
. The only sadness is that all her six siblings have passed as well as her friends.
