So unbelievably lonely

Hi everyone,
Sorry if this isn’t the right place to post, I’m just struggling. I lost my Mum in January this year and things have been so utterly rubbish since. My dad and my older brother are both struggling, but they have eachother- this sounds so silly but they can go off and do ‘boys’ things i.e. play golf, cricket etc together. They’ve always been so close, and I just feel like such a spare part. I miss mum more than anything but I feel like nobody cares- I’m constantly talking to my dad about how HE feels and all the things HE did with Mum. He’s even said before that its so much harder for him than it is for me and my brother and I just feel like no one else is acknowledging the loss I’m going through. Everyone at work pretends that it hasn’t happened and nobody asks about me or my mum or how I’m doing. It’s like everyone has forgotten that she was my mum. Im so sorry if I sound like an awful person, I love my dad to absolute pieces and he is my rock but I just feel like all my energy is going in to helping him grieve- he’s constantly making a point about all the memories he and mum had when me and my brother weren’t there and it’s just tough. xx

Hello, you posted earlier that you don’t cry (to which I did respond last week), it seems that others do not seem to fully appreciate your grief, this is an awful situation to be in because when you’re lonely and hurt, you just want others to know, if they don’t and think you’re ok it makes things much worse. I don’t know what the solution is, maybe you should just have an honest chat with your dad, just explain to him everything that you have explained to us, tell him that just because you don’t cry it doesn’t mean you’re not in immense pain, and tell him you’re finding it very difficult to cope and you feel that you need his support the way he has been getting yours. You need not feel guilty about dumping your problems onto him, he seems like a very caring guy who is just so consumed in his own grief that he hasn’t fully appreciated yours.

When someone leave us grief take over and people handle it diffently. I lost my wife 5 weeks ago and I have gone to local shops hoping someone would recognise me and say hello.
You will notice the regulars on here will respond so use and communicate on here

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Thanks everyone- it really means a lot. Had an argument with my dad tonight as I’m getting really fed up of this attitude that he’s the only one with a right to be grieving. He was saying how many memories they’ve got just the two of them that I had no part of, and I snapped. I feel like I’ve got nobody to turn to, and the fact that I can’t even turn to my dad is absolutely devastating. My mum is the only one who would listen and support me and she’s not here. I understand he’s grieving, but so am I. This competition that he was closer to mum and that he has more of a right to be upset is really driving us apart.

Sorry to hear that you and your dad had an argument, that’s the last thing you need. Some people think the loss of a partner is greater than the loss of a parent, I have seen them saying that here, they don’t understand, as you say, it isn’t a competition, luckily my mum is great, she understands just how bad it is for us to lose our dad and so she has always cared so much about us even though she has lost her husband of 48 years and misses him so much, to the extent she bottles up her own grief a lot of the time to help us.

What is the solution? I don’t know. Perhaps you could write him a letter telling him how you feel? He may then be able to process your pain better than when you speak to him? Tell him that you need him, that this is the worst time of your life and the time you need help the most, but you are not getting it.

Hope it gets better today.

Hi Rach, I really feel for you. Losing a parent can make you feel lost and alone in itself, without feeling isolated from your family. My sister has two small children, so like, you doesn’t have the privilege to grieve as she needs. There was a brief spell after Dad died when she kept saying he was my Dad too. As if anyone had challenged that, but it led to a nasty argument. At least that clear the air. I hope that’s what will happen with you and your Dad. What is your relationship like with your brother? Maybe he would be better support for you right now. As for your Father, maybe listen to his early memories of your Mother to learn about the woman she was before she was your mum? Try and look at it a different way.
Take care x

I lost my dad last year and my mum his year both after shock diagnoses of cancer. I’m a nurse and they were both patients on my ward. I’m so scared to go back to work. I actually nursed my mum at home due to covid restrictions. My brother has a young baby and a wife, I have moved into my family home with my boyfriend - who has just tragically lost his cousin in a freak accident abroad. My mum was my go to person and I just feel so alone. I’ve lost my best friend and the only person that could make me feel better about anything. I’m so lost without her. Some days I feel like I’m losing my mind. I know how overwhelming this all is. The rational side of the brain doesn’t always kick in.

Hi, I’m sorry for your lose.
Everyone tends to deal with grief in different ways and stages. I lost my mam September just gone and I have no family. I have a partner but I just feel so alone not having anyone on my family side.
Your dad sounds like he’s just dealing with his grief his own way. Why don’t you try talking to your dad about how you feel.
I’ve learnt you need to talk about your feelings. Talk about all the good times you all had, do this at work also, do it whenever you feel you want to talk about your mam.
I also feel a little comfort talking to my mam, i do this all the time. I can just imagine her saying Donna will you shut up :slightly_smiling_face:
I joined this group hoping by talking to people who are dealing with losing a parent will help me and I hope it helps you.
Your mam will will always be by your side.

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Hi RachWBA
Firstly my heart goes out to you. Losing a parent is life-changing . Grief is heart wrenching, exhausting and confusing. I am going to give you some tough love here about the other issues. You have just lost your mum, your world has been ripped from under your feet and you will feel lost and alone. You absolutely need to grieve your mum as this is your loss. If your father and brother are unable to support you in acknowledging your loss then you need to let them get on with their grief and get some support in place for you. That could be Dr, counselling, friend or anyone that can listen and help you process this trauma. This is a time to focus on you, your emotions, your feelings and looking after you because grief is debilitating. This is not the time in your life to be putting others first without any support back regardless of that being family. If you are not allowed to grieve, i.e., which means you being allowed to express all your emotions safely and with compassion from loved ones around you then those emotions will be suppressed and that’s not healthy or good for you in both the short and long term. Put some distance between your dad and brother to give you the time and energy to focus on your own grief and not theirs. You should not seek approval or permission from anyone and neither should your grief be dismissed or not acknowledged. Your mum would want you to look after you now and she will be the strength you need to walk this journey. It’s a hard path to be on but never think you are alone because when your mum left this world she never left you. Be kind to you now x

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LynT thank you so much. I can’t explain to you how lonely I am. I can’t talk to anyone- my friends think I should be over it by now. I’m trapped in a job up in Birmingham and I just want to move back down south to live with my dad again but I’m constantly being told by my friends and family that I have to stick the job out and basically tough it out. I can’t cope anymore- I feel completely on my own and now mum is gone, nobody has my back. I’m so sorry for the depressing message I’m just at the end of my tether and I don’t know where to turn anymore. I had two weeks off work and they got irritated that I was having time off for depression so I’ve had to come back but I hate it. I work in a really stressful environment and I just can’t do it anymore- it’s only been 3 months in the job and I can’t bare it. I just want somebody to say ‘rach forget the job, do what you want to do’. My dad is constantly snapping at me and honestly I think he’d rather it was me that died, not my mum. I don’t think he likes my company anymore, and he doesn’t want to hear how I feel and doesn’t appreciate it because he’s grieving. I’m just done- I’m so sad and fed up of feeling so isolated. I just want my Mum back. X

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