So very very hard

So today has been a very difficult day

I haven’t set foot outside, I’ve cried almost all day!

My kids sent me Christmas flowers ( my Da did this every year) with a heart wrenching message ) and I sobbed !

When does this pain go away? I miss him so very much :disappointed::broken_heart::disappointed::broken_heart::broken_heart:

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I have found today very difficult as well. I was busy baking for most of the day, something that Karen would have usually done, but when I stopped I had a very empty, miserable evening.
I hope the rest of Christmas improves for both of us @MrsT1

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In the UK here, it’s 12pm. It’s not easy at all. I have my Christmas bubble with me, I am lost as it is just 7 weeks since I lost my husband. As most of you who have lost either in recent weeks or longer, I propose, we think today of those who are going through or have lost someone today or in the last few days. Grief has made me feel physically ill and I am thinking of everyone and whatever, you faced, be it a short sharp shock, a long drawn out journey, a short shocking journey as was mine x Loss of a partner, the person closest to you, the one you share secrets, or, a child, a parent, a brother or sister, a grandparent and aunt, uncle, cousin, a close friend. If you are sad for someone who has lost, if you have heard the saddest story over recent days, for parents watching their children go through terminal or a serious cancer fight… It goes on and on. These situations are common but everyone is unique, our grief is according to who we are what we are and what our journies have been… we are all unique in grief but, together we can share our understanding that each and everyone of us here has suffered a great sadness and loss x As many before us, we will progress, our grief will change, we will find contentment again, that has to be our goal x With love to each and everyone of you, I wish us all strength and wisdom, understanding and acceptance x Every day in our lives matter x Nature is harsh, life is harsh and death is harsh x May I bless you all and hope you feel nature and it’s wonders in the near future x x

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Thanks for a lovely and positive post Cinders. 7 weeks here too. Love to you x

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What lovely sentiments @Cinders21

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I truly wish those sentiments were with me 100% of the time but, I’m still up and down like that bag of frogs! Love to all if you x x if only if only if only…

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With you 100% Cinders.
Iv had 2 seriously bad days Xmas eve and Xmas day . Although I was surrounded by my kids and grandkids . Being selfish all I wanted was my husband . I miss him every minute of every day and this pain won’t ease no matter what . I do know I need to go day by day and build a new normal fir myself . I know it may take time but I also know positive thoughts will get me through .
Much love to everyone dealing in our own ways with the grief and heartache that has been thrust upon us with the loss of our loved ones xxx

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Yes x x x little steps x x x fight the fight x x x

I’ve been reading but not posting these last days as I don’t have any positive message to give. This isn’t a movie where I needed this lesson in life for some reason I don’t yet know. It’s just shit. Sorry everyone that I can’t be more positive. I’ll try and think of something more uplifting to say but that probably means you won’t hear from me for a while. Peace to you all… I’ve been thinking of you.

@MrsT1 hope after you went low you are on an up cycle now… Take care xx nice that your kids had the thought to get the flowers. Now I am thinking(in an edit) those are the positives I see…

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Thinking of you, @FleurDeLis and all of you x This is so very hard… I just don’t know where I’m going … it’s the worst x x x love to you all x x

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And… here I am still, talking away to him ’ Can you believe this Steve, an you believe what happened? What am I supposed to do … I’m.asking him… oh well 2020 will.be over tomorrow x my whirlwind year, lockdown sunshine… wedding illness and losing him, … how am in going to cope.at work? I’m barely responsible enough to brush my teeth… but with covid and now.not even able.to see my family, I’m crawling walls here x I’ve taken the Xmas tree down… I thought I was being brave by putting it up with the lights on the stairs… now I think I’ve ruined Christmas for.evee.because it will always relate to losing my gorgeous husband who s character always made me smile. I am desperately unhappy… engulfed in this.blackness without my favourite person… I can not believe he is gone…

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@cinders21 I think continuing to talk to your spouse is normal and expected, I am certainly still talking to Karen. I did not put up any Christmas tree or decs, I could not face doing that.
It’s standing on the sidelines, watching everyone else move on with their lives whilst mine is on pause as I try to learn to live on my own. It’s cold and dark outside, everything is shut down, you are not allowed to meet up with friends, apart from “crawling the walls” just what are we supposed to do?

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Exactly …
I know Covid is impeding any distraction and healing even if it’s only small bits x x it’s stopping me doing things that could take me away from it for small time periods. This makes.it harder for all of us x.love.to you all.x.x.

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Hi @Cinders21

Yesterday was an 0/10 day for me (I read some tip someone posted or maybe from one of those books we should rate our days so we can cheer ourselves up in the future looking back at our hopeful progress). If I had a gun and could have guaranteed a successful one-shot-job-done I would have shot myself yesterday regardless of the pain to others during one particular hopeless (and in retrospect selfish but I didn’t think of that then) session.

Today I am at a 3 or so, after that. It is crazy how we go up and down and it seems a zero day is always around the corner. I still cried whilst brushing my teeth, loudly, with the vibration from my sonic toothbrush reverberating it, as is normal for me now.

Talking to my dear dead husband out loud is what brought me back into feeling more normal (abnormal sentence, I know). I think we all do it.

2020 was weird for me too, I can’t say it was the worst year as many do because until October it was one of the best years of my life. My husband and I both worked from home since March due to Covid so we were together in our lovely house or garden 24/7 with our 4 cats most days, with trips out to places with not many people at the weekend and we loved it with barely any contact with the outside world, it was like my dream life. We were revelling in building all these peaceful new routines we had together each day until the day that tore it all away from us in one violent knock-out-punch.

I don’t know if it will get better, I am sceptical because I know zero days can come anytime. That is because he can never come back anytime ever and I don’t think I truly understand that all the time (like today). However yesterday (and the day of my last post) I wouldn’t have expected a 3/10 could come anytime soon either (of course I didn’t make it to the end of the day yet so plenty of potential for it to plummet back down again).

Today the things that cheered me up were watching my cats play in the snow, talking with my brother about my husband. Texting my husband’s family. Watching a Dutch TV programme even though I couldn’t understand most of it (my husband was Dutch, I miss hearing the language around me). Listening to my husband’s music. Eating a nice sandwich. Watching a show about horses that deals a bit with grief (I don’t even like horses but this show brings me some peace) that Pattidot recommended. Now I think I will go and eat some Dutch sweets whilst I still have some appetite (other recent days felt I would vomit permanently so better do it whilst I can).

A few days my Dutch brother-in-law told me to “enjoy the little things”. I would have stamped on his foot and told him to enjoy that if he had been here but today I did manage to do this. I probably won’t tomorrow and will want to delete this post or slap myself.

Today many of us here have another first to endure. This time last year I was taking pictures of our matching “new years” socks, amongst crazy xmas lights, fun, music and cocktail making (just us two at home but those were our best parties!!). This year his new-year socks are in microscopic pieces mixed in with his ashes that I have abandoned at some funeral place I didn’t even know existed this time last year. How can any of us cope with this in the “right” way. I don’t know but wishing you all manage however you can today.

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@FleurDeLis

You are doing so well, your post has many positive elements to it. I too had an amazing, sunshiny cozy lockdown with my gorgeous Steve, a really special time. Our wedding was cancelled in June, we were disappointed. We watched a nest of Wrens flee the nest, fed the birds, gardened together, drank and sunbathed as if we were holidaying. Steve would cook me omelettes and keep my drink topped up. He would get the sun bed out and say ‘Thats it, enough now’ because I rarely sat still, hence the Cinders nickname he gave me… For a short time at the end, I became Cinders Nightingale… jokingly threatening him with becoming Matron!!!
my relationship with Steve was just me and Steve, without interference, even if it threatened to come, we would shoo shoo it away and worked very hard to avoid any drama infiltrating into our lives…we spent every day living for today and ‘just being’. We were very lucky, we had no bad times together but our time was short. Our Covid wedding in August was just the best, we had no idea what was lurking in his body. He knew there was something due to symptoms that started at the end of July and kept it to himself as he wanted the wedding to be the wedding and not marred with worry, I had no idea and he was well, a little tired maybe but he was well, I had no reason to suspect that he was deteriorating at that point. You may recall - it was literally diagnosis and then 13 days later he died.

What I’m getting to here is, I had no idea, I was capable of loving someone the way that I loved him… it was all so easy to do, so very natural. I had never had that. I’m not saying I have not loved before but not in the simplistic and unspoken way we worked together. So straightforward.

I feel cheated, I should have had this beauty in my life for longer but it wasn’t to be for us. The key thing is, I would not change it, I would not wish to have not had that time ------ can you see? — can you see? How lucky I was to find that?

Are you lucky, to have had that?

Sometimes, I am so lost, so devastated that I would use that scale and say a 0 too. However, I tend to see it as bad day, ok day (There are no good days right now) and I almost make the decision to have the bad day… why… because… I am actually choosing to grieve and that is ok! I hope you can see where I am going with this… we don’t want to let them go… we are scared of losing the memories… we are scared that if we don’t have those intense feelings of devastation that we will forget… we are scared that if we appear ok and look normal, people are then, going to think we are ok, when WE ARE NOT, and we wont be for a long time if not ever. But, I almost wanted a badge at the beginning, on my head saying MY HUSBAND HAS DIED… I would go to the local shop and someone would say Have a good day and I would say I cant, my husband died … days … weeks ago… I wanted them to know… Now I just say yep you too…

When I go back to work, I may cry all the way home on some days … I may shut myself down and not speak to people in the evenings… who knows but, what I do know, is I will reflect on every day, I will compartmentalize and choose when to have my Steve moments. When we were together, but I was away or he was working away, Id say… Im Stestarved… now Im Steveless… hes busy elsewhere in another dimension of his journey…I will plan my Stemoments and then move through my day.

It all seems so brave and I am better today and yesterday - over the turn of 20/21 - I was so so on the floor but I’ve decided, I cant spend every day like that and I’m working really hard. I may come across something later that will send me into a sobbing spin… and then I will shake a tail feather and avoid it for a time. I am going to strategise slowly, in time, how and when I grieve and when I give my time to grieving.

The reason I am doing this is 1. I am a control freak 2. I am methodical. 3. I know us humans can do anything we want with our minds and we choose how we think, we have control over our grief.

I have learnt so much from Steve, the wonderful wonderful straight forward, non complicated, giving person he was… there was no space for fuss and bother - we were very similar like that … I intend to use this time because I learnt so much about myself…

@FleurDeLis I want this to help you think about your time, what you have learnt and I hope that this post gives food for thought and how we can take control.

We will never be ok, I have no doubt but we will smile, we will live and we will have moments of content and enjoyment of the world and we will smile towards an empty space, knowing that they are there always because they are within us darling. The way we spend and show them we love them and them us, has changed but they are not gone. We have to live a different life but they will always be a part of it x x x

Please trust, I know how vile this is at times I am distraught, I can think the right way, act the right way when all the time, the depth of me is screaming This is so unfair, this is cruel etc etc… and then in my heart, I know that others are going through it, others have worse, elderly people on their own who have just lost and have no one. People who have lost their children in car crashes or accidents. People who are not loved, who are living a hell life right now. People who have not ability to be happy because of their lives… I have to … I have to hold my head up and be grateful for what I had and still what I have which is the memory of the best relationship of my life … I wont title it as some people do but I do know that I was meant to be there for him as he was me and we were meant to be exactly where we were at that time …

All the love… Im thinking of you and every single person who has lost — these are hard times for all of us ------ I reach out my hands with love - sheer love and hope that we can all live with the loss and pain and give x x x x Cinders

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Hi Cinders, maybe I give the impession to you that I am not trying hard enough. The things you mention I practise on a daily basis already of course, like the rest of us I’m sure but it doesn’t mean I have to come in here and pretend to be happy. This is where I am venting the things I am holding in with my interactions with people outside our scenario so I don’t quite understand then what the point of coming here would be if I can only say positive things?

There are very many people who i’ve interacted with since my husband died these last 9 weeks who I don’t tell of course… I haven’t told any of my neighbours and make chitchat at the door when they pick up parcels I’ve taken in for them or their kid comes for their ball in my garden. I take in and out their bins. Often I’m crying whilst doing it but they don’t see that in the dark from their houses. I thank people I buy something from and say “you too” to delivery people/whatever too. I am not enticing the world to pity me as you seem to think. I am quite private and even with my close people I am holding a lot back most of the time (sometimes I rupture of course but I am not soliciting pity).

Every day there are many chores and some days I’m doing loads of them and some days only the minimum or none. I’m trying every single day. Really hard. Even though it feels pointless. I don’t think real true grief can be overcome by positive thinking. When it hits it hits. It might be different for you and others and that’s good for you then but it’s not the case for me.

I’ve also had all those thoughts about people who never found their soul mate, that more of “my” people could die any day soon and all kinds of “worse” scenarios, that I should be grateful for what I’ve had (I am) and how lucky I was etc etc like you mention of course… I’m thinking all the time… And whenever I’ve missed one of those thoughts there is always someone ready to point one out. Sometime it helps for a bit and other times no amount of platitudes or clichés is going to do anything other than rile me up and remind me I am alone with this. I’ll die trying to live one way or another, like the rest of you of course.

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I don’t think for one minute you are enticing self pity, I’m sorry you think that in anyway whatsoever. We all express I different ways, we all feel in different ways and our journies are unique. I’m sad you feel like that. I wish you all well in your sorrow and grief, in this battle we fight. This is a loss we can not explain or compare. We simply express differently. Love.to all x

@Cinders21
I’ve just read your post after getting up early as unable to sleep again. It brought me some comfort. I lost my husband of 13 years . 4 days ago he died of lung cancer. His death was sudden and unexpected as the cancer must have torn an artery. He died by choking from the blood and blood loss. I tried to resuscitate him but that was useless. I am trying to deal with the trauma and his death. I am finding that my thoughts are consumed by him and I relive those final minutes , focusing on his fear, over and over again.
I try to put a positive spin on things, I was with him and not at work, to try and reassure him, he was at home, it was only minutes, but I keep coming back to reliving the event and his fear.
I can smile as the short videos of him on my phone, he could always make me laugh. He was a joy to have in my life and was my soulmate. Bottom line is how do we ever carry on when we lose the most important person in our lives who we adore. Just not being able to hold his hand , kiss him goodnight, see him again , it does feel unbearable. I have two dogs and two cats and they are keeping me going, they are a comfort .
Will I ever feel anything like happy again?
Will I ever sleep again, I’m only managing a couple of hours a night.

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Keep posting @Wendy75 you will find lots of support on here x I’m not having the best day tbh x just miss him so much as we all do x it’s so very hard x lots of ove

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