Someone who gets it

Hello. I’ve just signed up on here. I don’t really know how it works. My mum’s passed away on February 19th and I guess I’m kinda lost. I’d phone her every night while I drove home and now I can’t. There’s constant thoughto conversation running through my mind I want to have with her and I can’t. People I know tell me to keep talking to her like I would have done. But I can’t because she doesn’t reply. It’s not the same. I miss her. Like I’ve never missed anyone before in my life. Nothing is the same anymore. Everyone says I should talk. But they won’t get it, thy compare my lose to there friend or there cusion but they can still go and sit down with there mum at the end of everyday. My mum has been the only constant person in my life always there. And now she’s gone. I just wanted to be able to speak with people who get it I guess. I don’t know what to do with any of it anymore.

Hello Rose Sarah
I am so very sorry for your loss…losing someone that we love is one of the hardest things anyone has to do. It is good that you have found your way here because everyone on this site understands the way you feel and many will reach out to you…there are many different threads and you might like to look at the one headed “My mum just died” as I think you will find it of help. Try to live in the moment and know that you are not alone. Take care xx

Hi RoseSarah,

I am so sorry to read that your Mum passed away in February. It is horrible isn’t it? I lost my Mum 19 months ago and miss her dreadfully still. I constantly think that I want to tell her something or ask her advice. Each time it hits me that I can’t. I recently read on another forum someone had said ‘Every room echoes with their silence’ and that is so true of how it feels about Mum.

Indeed nothing is the same. All you can do is muddle through each day. Don’t worry if you feel rotten some days and better others, the saying one step forward two steps back was I found very true.

When my Mum passed away I didn’t want to live anymore either because I loved her so much and couldn’t bear never to see her again or hear her voice. I still love her just as much if not more as appreciate now how much she did for me. I accept my loss now but that doesn’t mean I like it. I have found all through the last 19 months small treats for getting through difficult occasions have helped me. A bunch of flowers, something for my house, occasional sweets and similar. Not everyone’s thing but I will go and have a pub or cheap restaurant meal on my own just to sit and think about Mum and remember how we enjoyed a lunch out together. I will have a gin and tonic then and quietly toast her memory. These things worked for me but may not for others.

The best advice I was given by a friend who had lost their Mum too was that you don’t want to do something just say ‘I don’t want to’. We are so conditioned to try and please others that it feels really liberating to do this. Do try it, it feels good and no one will judge you.

You sound as if you had a very special relationship with your Mum talking to her every day. Treasure the memory of that and the times you had together. I bet your Mum loved you to bits for being so caring.

Take care of yourself and keep coming back to this forum if you need to chat. There are lots of very kind people here. I know because they have helped me so much too.

Mel xx

So sorry to hear about your mum, I lost mine in February also. I am struggling so much with the loss. I miss her every day. I completely understand what you mean by others comparing, no one will ever understand because your feelings are yours. Our feelings are very unique to all of us. Sending you strength at this horrible time x

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Hi, RoseSarah, I lost my mum a few weeks ago, so I can empathise with your feelings. I also finding it really difficult to talk to friends or family, about my feeling, and thoughts… losing mum like losing heart of gold( like words from song… if you lose your mother, you lose your heart of gold) mums are so special and greatly missed. Keep writing … plenty of support here xx

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Hi I’m so sorry to hear you too have lost your mum recently. I lost my mum on the 14th February and like you I called her every day. I would call for the most silliest things, run an idea past her, tell her the kids were annoying me, what they had done at school, ask what she wanted for dinner and now it’s the not being able to ask or tell her things is destroying me. Just like you people say oh just talk to her like she is there but it seems so stupid. I did try it but I’m awaiting answers. The longer the time she is gone the harder it gets I feel. I want to scream and shout or smash something up but a voice in my head keeps saying don’t scare the kids. My mum was my best friend, my husbands best friend, our marriage counsellor, my financial adviser and a truly wonderful gran to my babies. This hole is massive. I understand that I’m an adult and I can cope with all my issues alone but bouncing them off mum made them all seem trivial.
Are you back at work yet? I’m disabled so unable to work just now and find my whole day is all about trying to keep occupied so I don’t think about her. I then feel guilty that I’m pushing her away but the pain is too physical. I have no words of comfort or to ease your suffering but I do know we all grieve differently and you aren’t alone xxx

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Hi! I know just what you mean . I lost my mum in December and she was ill with dementia for two years before so the mum I called every day had already gone but now all I want to do is phone my mum , we had the same humour and loved the same things so she understood me on several levels .

It’s early days for all of us, I think grief is quite complicated and very personal . Take care of yourself I hope you have found comfort in all these replies x

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Dearest all, I truly understand all your heartache and am so sorry to hear of your own painful losses, i hope speaking and sharing thoughts together may bring some glimmer of comfort as we try to cope with our immense loss.

I am still struggling to cope with my grief since my mum passed away in January, I miss her so much it hurts and the pain does not ease i cannot seem to find any comfort or peace in my heart or head.

I am constantly recalling the days before she was admitted to hospital and not being with her in her final hours it fills me with so much heartache and cry myself to sleep most nights.

My mum was the Heart of the family and was a truly strong lady fighting through all her many health issues over the last 4 years. My home and life has lost a big heart and feels cold and empty.

Its my first time coming online as seem to be isolating myself more each day I cared for mum at home for the last few years since she was bedbound and peg fed, i did not want her going into a care home but endeavoured to keep strong and balance work and care for mum each day with my father whom is 80, mum was only 76 and felt she deserved more time to enjoy her life and her grandchildren as my sister has 5 children and mum loved them all so very much they were her life .

I am still not at work full time as my grief has taken a strong hold and physically, mentally and emotionally still not in a Good place to return to work

Keep strong and talking and thank you for sharing your own very personal feelings at such a very difficult time x

Hello All

Yes it is the silly things I think we all miss. Like so many others here my Mum and I had the same sense of humour. An innocent remark made by one of us could be expanded into several hours of nonsense and laughter. I do miss that so much. Talking to myself doesn’t have quite the same effect. I need Mum’s smile and naughty laugh to keep my spirits up.

However, I do think it is better to try and concentrate on those happier memories however bittersweet they may feel at present.

I have had a very bad couple of days having said that. I am finding this second year for me is almost harder in some ways than the immediate aftermath of Mum passing away. I have got all the first anniversaries over now but have new firsts. I am in my first year in my new house so am constantly thinking that last year I was still living in the family home, seeing my last spring in the garden there and sorting through Mum’s things. It is the reality now of knowing this is how my life is like it or not. I love my house and I love where I have chosen to live but oh how I wish Mum could see the house. She would know instinctively what I need to do to make it not just a house but a home.

I find I sleep badly still though having said that read until I dropped my book last night as I was exhausted. Six hours of proper deep sleep followed once I had put the light out which was wonderful. Just hope I can achieve something similar tonight.

Love to all my fellow daughters and sons on here who have lost their Mums.


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