The waves of greif keep on hitting me, one day you feel like you are coping then.,… It hits you again I am five months in since Iost my wife my world the next stage is not something I can imagine. Just one day I feel I can just about cope then all I can think I cannot carry on in this world. It does get tiring tears and pain is all I feel
yes I feel the same… I can be relatively ok for days now since going on medication and living at my mums. I am driven home, feed the cats and cuddle them, clean up, work from home then am picked up and taken back to mums front room. I play puzzles on the tablet, watch TV, read, stare out of the window. Pass the time until I can get into bed. I visit my real life then come and hide from it.
Every now and again this veneer on top of reality breaks and I think about the future… how on earth can I have any future now. It feels like I’m pretending at being alive. I’m really scared. I’m going to be so alone for as long as it takes for me to die.
I feel like René is my imaginary friend no one else can see but he’s there for me all the time. I’m thinking René would find that funny so I laugh. René liked rum and raisin ice cream so I’ll have that one. René would have said this so I say it for him.
Sometimes I can do things for the future like garden and imagine fixing it up how René was doing. Then I just think how can I imagine a future without him where I live alone gardening, learning to drive myself, cooking for one, will I finally learn how to make jam and be one of those ladies. Will my life just be all filler… what’s the point of that.
I know we shouldn’t think about the future. it’s probably the worst thing we can do and that’s why all of us on this forum keep the mantra to each other “day by day… hour by hour”. Sometimes I can’t stop my mind having a peep there though and it’s terrifying.
Then again when I think back to 5 months ago. I was sleeping in our front room because he’d died in the bedroom and paramedics had turned it upside down, coz of his home automation all the lights were stuck on and I couldn’t work most things without him. I had no idea how to get to the next day or the next week but now all those days weeks and months happened anyway. I’m in that future I dreaded then right now and it’s not that terrifying right now. It’s dull and not fun but it’s actually quite non eventful which is OK. Maybe the future future will just be like that too.
Jesus I haven’t even had a drink. Goodnight.
What a day, not in the mood this morning for the day at a time, got to work and ended up at the bosses house, worked for the company for thirty years so the bosses wife who I talk to openly asked how I was, the mask dropped the facade went the broken man came out, but managed to get on with the day, got back to the yard the boss asked how I was doing told him but the mask was still on, I told him I am not the man I was I am broken it is so sad as I was a strong character but not now, just a shadow of who I was, my eyes are sore again. Other pressures are on me as well which I do not want to go Into on line, my total world has collapsed in the last five months and it is still continuing to collapse more. The world has put on me so much lately and I don’t know why. Again sorry for venting but I am starting to get to my whits end. Thankyou all for being there I need you all, you are the ones that understand.
Ron x x x
It sounds so so hard Ron. I’m sorry you are going through all this. It’s hard to admit face to face to others I know but yes we are broken and not the person we were… I guess if I could observe your life I would think you are a very strong person still, look at what unimaginable horror you have survived already (by survived I mean you still breathe, I’m often amazed I still can anyway).
Five months of agony measured in days hours and minutes. Can you maybe buy one of those eye wash/eye bath optrex type things from the chemist for your eyes (I know not much use but I am trying to think of anything to try and help even slightly) … I wish something could help you.
Please keep venting, it’s hard enough without trying to contain a volcano on top of everything and your posts help me and I’m sure others too who feel similar. 5 months ago I never thought I’d still be alive now. I can’t say I’m happy but I have to acknowledge I’m still breathing and that now I rather try to live than die. I don’t know how but maybe if we just keep surviving we’ll find a way to live and remember our partners happily without so much sadness overwhelming us for all we’ve lost. Take care of yourself Ron and try to give yourself a break if you can, it must be so hard interacting face to face with people whilst trying to keep the mask on. I do it on video and find that exhausting enough.
Thankyou as I say we have been here all the way, I have been here 5 months as have you, I thankyou for your words as I know the dispare you have gone through, I will be here for you, and I know you will be here for me and other fellow sufferers it’s been a few hard days, I knew the day I felt calm and maybe numb I was going to pay the price here is for a better morning for us all
Ron x x
You’ve really summed up how I’m feeling,although it’s only three months since he’s passed.
I talk to him every day and know what his replies would be.
I don’t want this life that I’m finding myself living,some days are unbearable but somehow you find you’ve made it through and it’s the evening again.
The future seems such a daunting journey but every now and then I try to imagine where I will be this time next year.
Will I move?How will I cope financially etc.
We have to cope all I can say is emotionally we can be here for you, financially all I can say is that a man who I worked with went through some bad times and he had a family and I always remembered this, he was aski g for some financial help and he asked, I presume a social worker what is available to me and the reply was, it is not my job to tell you what we can help you with it’s up to you to find out yourself, so try to find some numbers to ring, they will not ring you.
Hi, what you have written is exactly how I feel, it’s also 5 months for me and like you some days are ok, not good but ‘ok’ whatever that is.
Sometimes I buy things I need, just ordered a new hoover and bedding and then like you, think whats the point?
I’m frightened of just filling time and not feeling loved or happy again.
Today is a bad day, that peep into the future that you talk about . I’ve cried like a baby because I can’t put my head on his chest, go for a walk with him, dance with him, laugh with him, play our favourite music together, sit up till late at night talking about anything and everything, cook for us both, in fact everything I know we will never do again.
I really want to go and visit places we used to go because we enjoyed them so much but know I will just cry but i don’t want to never go to those places again. What a dilemma!!
Last night was the first night I have slept in our bed since he went into hospital.
It is really really scary, and I wonder how I have managed to get here, but I have.
Maybe the future will be ok, with occasional happiness and even laughter. Really hard to imagine that yet.
Love and hugs Jacky
I lost my Ron 2 and a half years ago.since then it has been all up and down. Monday, the first end of lockdown day, It was sun shining and I couldn’t wait to go to the shops. I spent all day wandering around and it all seemed normal. I felt good. I had got up early to attend my voluntary job and I really felt I had turned a corner.
But I know now how quickly things can change and as the night time came so did that awful emptiness. So the journey of uncertainty continues and I can’t do anything but accept it.
That’s exactly how it is. Yesterday I cried all day and today a friend invited me to the pub and then back to hers for a cuppa on the back garden. I did enjoy it and it did feel normal, but then I came home and I’m alone again.
Not as bad as yesterday but still tea for one and the t.v…
So I will carry on and make the most of the good days and allow myself to cry for as long
as I need to on the bad days.
Love and hugs Jacky
hello everyone. On Saturday I had a really good day. My stepdad dropped me home early morning and I and my 4 cats were in the garden in the sunshine pottering. I don’t think I cried that day.
Yesterday I tried to repeat it, the same ingredients were there but after being dropped off I just wandered aimlessly through the house and garden and moped through the day.
I slept until 5am today and meant to go back to sleep but didn’t. I have an important meeting later with work that I’m ill prepared for as I listlessly coast through my work days not doing much work anymore and today it will probably become apparent to my colleagues. oh well, least of our worries i know.
Hoping you all have as good a day as possible in our new lives… @Ron how are you doing?
Hi Fleur Delis and all fellow members of this club of who I would not be here now without you propping me up, it is coming up to six months in a couple of weeks and our wedding anniversary this Wednesday it would have been 36 years for us, not sure how I am feeling about it but for me now things just seem to hit me I feel the constant knot in my chest and waves of tearfull moments when I talk about her and when I am at home.I know what you meen Fleur with the work front I am just going through the motions, I guess I am lucky that my work is more physical than mental so I get by. I mentioned on the just an idea post that I was willing to try a north west meet up, I mentioned I walk my dog at times near Cleavleys a lady got we made arrangements and met for a couple of hours and talked, It was nice. I put it down to a big leap in faith to make an effort to exist in this my life. I need more to my life now than work, socialise with work mates and go home, I say home but it is now a box where I live, not the warm sanctuary away from the outside world it was. I really wish I could put a good spin on my life but as yet I can’t but I know I am not alone as i feel the pain that all of us are going through I truly wish I could make all the pain go away for all of us. I used to get nightmares as a child and wake up, now I sleep and wake up to a nightmare every day sorry to go on but I think I needed to vent my feelings again to people who understand as you all do. I hope we all wake up one day to a sweet dream that would be nice.
Ron x x x
This is a living nightmare, losing some who was your priority and you were theirs too. I am now on 15 weeks tomorrow and the vivid images of seeing my love of 42 years through an outside window, then the next day holding his hand as he passed away - these bad dreams have lessened. I now dream of searching for him, finding him & realising he has simply left me, but he won’t tell me why he left, but he doesn’t love me any more & can’t tell me why. The brain is so cruel to make me dream these awful dreams. I don’t want this life, there is no point to it.
Seems what we can hope for is some day we’ll become numb at what we dreaded; losing my love one is painful enough; and now I have to accept a gloomy future which I hate to have . Life is so cruel.
Hello Ron, I hope you managed OK today on your wedding anniversary. I hope you get some sleep and that tomorrow is better than today for all of us.
I hope that you somehow managed to get through your anniversary.
Thankyou for your kind thoughts on what was a hard day. It put warmth in my heart the first time in six months. Not sure how we carry on but we are doing together, thankyou for your support
Ron x x
It’s hard to believe we survived around six months of this… when I think of those first days and weeks of total shock I never thought it would be possible.
Let’s keep going… I don’t know where we’re going but it’s all we can do for now. Take care x
Thinking of you today Ron as I remember today is 6 months of this hell for you… please take care x
Thankyou so much for your thoughts, I could not reply earlier as the mask was on, how we do it I don’t know I am sure everyone thinks I am doing fine but I am not. Six months on and the pain is still so intense as I know you will know, how do we get some peace from the gut wrenching pain I am trying everything I can but nothing works, is this it? is this our lives now if so what is the point and I know if the pain eased I would feel guilty, just cant win can we.
Cruelty that’s all I can think this life now has for me .
Ron x x x