Hi @Ron and @FleurDeLis I think we were all bereaved around the same time, give or take a couple of weeks. Think @Bluecatmum77 and @Mickp are a week or two ahead of me, but my head was scrambled when I first came on this site. Still is. There may be others alongside us at the same timeframe, my memory can only cope with so much. I am glad I found this site, it has helped that I am not the only one, even though I wish all of you weren’t feeling these feelings and thoughts too. I have found this whole experience absolutely awful, but coming towards the half year mark is dreadful. Emotions are all over the place. Just as well I live alone now, nobody would want to put up with me the way I am up and down all the time these last few weeks. I am like a hormonal younger woman again at time of the month! Don’t look like one though. This grief business is really aging. My skin is going like my parents used to be. WRINKLES!!!
Will we ever really enjoy anything again? Everything is clouded in sadness, and the need for a hug and a conversation with my wonderful man is the main thing I really need just now.
Hello… I just still do not really believe it. I have been lying on the sofabed for several hours feeling like I can’t breathe and crying quietly so no one hears as I don’t want to be told its OK coz it’s not is it. It never will be. I was just so comfortable and purely myself with him. He was just what I needed in every way.
I keep trying and thinking I’m doing OK then today all this business with the mods reading my private messages (well one moderator…) has upset me just when I was trusting something. Then the horrible kids were kicking their football outside my house again and hit the flower bed my husband was making the week before he died and the car several times. Then I had to lock the cats in and leave them with that flipping ball bouncing against the house which will scare them… Then stuck on the m6 for an hour and a half coz of an accident… Probably some more family members had to join our club tonight after that… Some days it just feels relentless and too exhausting to keep going with… But I know we do… We keep going but what an existence… Urgh… Xx
@FleurDeLis that is it. You have put it just right. We could be ourselves with each other, and we could trust each other. That was priceless and so missed. I don’t trust anyone now I am sad to say. People that I thought would be there for me haven’t been, and I feel quite let down by them. All those people in the early days saying if you need anything let us know melted away having not helped at all.
Not sure what has happened with your private messages and moderators, but hope it gets sorted.
The M6 can be a nightmare, feel for you on that one (especially when you haven’t stopped at the last services cos you thought you could hold on).
Hope the flower bed is ok. The neighbours kids will grow out of football so that will calm down eventually. Sending you hugs. X
@Wong and gang.
I had my fifth counselling session today with CRUSE
Trish has been very good and obviously has been taking notes as she referred back to things I’d talked about on session one .
For my last session next week she’s asked me to write down anything that still bothers me that we haven’t covered.
I could ? extend but I’m mindful someone else is waiting for her like I was.
I talked about this site and our gang many times and how it’s helped .
Cruse only offers online live chat which I gave up with as I felt I was just getting scripted answers .
Wong I too have noticed how I’ve aged and my skin is looking decidedly old.
I think I’m eating ok but admit I’ve got lazy in the kitchen and survive on a lot of soups…
So yes your right I’m coming up soon to Six months .
Why is it such a milestone?
I been thinking about it and we use it a lot in life.
“It’s six months till I’m on holiday
Six months to a Birthday
Its six month since I stared this job
The baby’s six month old “
And so on a so on ,it’s almost programmed into us.
So it’s no wonder it’s a huge event for us.
It’s half a dreadful year we’ve somehow survived.
Half a year without our loved one
Reset the clock in six months It’ll be a year, what will that look like ? but most importantly how will we do it all again.
I’ve noticed that I’ve felt much worse this week, six months for me too. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and yet I can’t believe I’ve been without him that long.
I’ve also aged at least 10 years I think and no sparkle in my eyes anymore.
Yes how will we do it all again?
Love and hugs 
Jacky
A bit longer for me and I am afraid to say that there is no sign of the additional wrinkles and dramatic signs of aging lifting anytime soon. There is no glow and like others the sparkle in the eyes has gone.
This time last year I could never have predicted the devastation heading my way. We were happy and planning our retirement. All plans gone, the only thing I have is mounds of paperwork to plough through to sort probate.
The Inquest on Monday just took me right back to day 1. Have not slept and totally exhausted. Then today the death certificate arrived - heartbreaking just heartbreaking - had total meltdown.
Broke down last night. Police paramedics what has happened to me I rang police as I was frightened of my wellbeing paramedics at one in the morning, I thought I could handle this by myself, I can’t, told to take time off work, ring doctors today, I tried to stay away from medication but it is probably my next stage , I did the counciling not sure if that helped at all must have hit the six month wall. Sorry no good news.
Ron x x
@Ron Sorry to read this my friend.
But you’ve done the right thing
There’s no shame in asking for or admitting we need help.
Make sure you make the call to your GP
I’ve had nights pacing this empty house at the point of ringing Samaritans.
Sounds like a panic attack
And yes time of work if that helps or not as the case may be.
I feel so bloody foolish now on my actions last night all be it a cry out for help but how much can the mind take? Greif , lonlyness, mental and physical pain, what a club we have joined, the truth is this Web site has kept me, I was going to say sane, but obviously that is now debatable. Doctor ringing this afternoon, so let’s see how this stage goes.
Thanks Mick
Ron
Hi gang,
@Ron. So sorry to read this, but i have been close myself to picking up the phone and asking for serious help myself.
It just got to the point where i was so overwhelmed with it all, I couldnt see a way out?
I couldnt face another day without him.
The main thing is you HAVE asked for help.
You will get it.
Mental health services are stretched to breaking point because of lockdown.
We are dealing with grief AND lockdown.
Is it any wonder we are at breaking point?
Get a sicknote and rest. Be kind to yourself.
Work with your GP.
I have been fortunate to be able to work from home.
There is no way i could have gone back to the office full time.
After the epic meltdown on Friday, I am back in numboland.
A cross between numb and limbo.
I am finding that i am bouncing back faster after each meltdown.
Another financial matter has popped up.
Nothing serious, have emailed Solicitor for advice.
I am sick of the weather.
This time last year it was glorious.
Its absolute crp. Pssing down.
Plants bashed.
It is the 6 month mark for me tomorrow.
I stopped counting the weeks.
Wonderful advice from @RichardM.
It has made a difference.
We just have to keep going.
Look how far we have come?
We are all still fighting.
All still sharing on here.
All propping each other up.
One day we can hopefully meet up.xx
Please keep reaching out.
You will never know how much you all mean to me.
Word of the day?
FRIENDSHIP.
Sending love, light, hope and strength.
Steph. Xxxx
Oh Ron, I’m so sorry to hear that. I too try to stay away from medication but I think that this is the most extreme time in your life so you may have to consider whether it is worth trying what your GP recommends. I am finding every day gets harder - try to find whatever support you can. Please keep posting here as well. People will support you. Sending hugs and wishing there was something that could be done to take us all out of this pain
@Ron My friend
Get the help you need there’s no shame,none at all ,not today.
Traditionally men have been reluctant to put their hands up to it.
But not now.
Please let us all know that your ok later.
@Bluecatmum77 Steph.is right mental health is stretched to breaking point I have a 15 year old nephew getting help,no ones immune…
I don’t know what I’d have done without all of you here.
I’m aware I rabbit on a bit sometimes, but I only put into print here what goes through my befuddled old head.
My impending move is added stress at the moment it’s taking forever and people are getting agitated thinking it’s me hold up proceedings but it’s not.
Threatened to pull the plug on it all Monday but my son in NZ talked me round .
So today I’m sat waiting for a call back from Dr’s
To add to my decrepitude both mental and physical I now have a hernia ,no doubt caused by me lifting stuff on my own. 
“You should have got someone to help you “ they say WHO would that be then I reply one of my invisible friends ………
So later I guess I’ll take off on foot again and clock up some more miles in my Health App.
Back to “Bubble “ tomorrow.
Hate this existence
Deep breath,slow exhale and think of a happy place …. ( my book recommends)
Take care everyone xx
My word for today ……… ( unprintable) !
Dear Ron
So sorry, this life and grief is just so unrelenting. I have rang the Samaritans in the early hours as the feelings just sweep over and there is no one else to talk to. I think you are doing the right thing taking some time off work. You have been trying to hold it in and it just becomes too much.
Will be thinking of you you. Take care.
Sheila
I’m glad it has helped you, it certainly made a difference to me.
I would have expected working from home to be more difficult, I come to work and for eight hours I have people to talk to. Once I’m back at home, I’m on my own until the next day. It is awkward when my colleagues chat about what they have been up to with their partners, but that is always going to be the case.
Wishing you all can survive the drama of the day
@ron I hope you can get the help you need from the Dr this afternoon
@Ron I am so glad you phoned them up as that is exactly what they are there for and this is too hard to cope with alone. I asked for help off everyone, took the pills, had loads of counselling and i am still a state so there is absolutely no shame for you finally asking for help. I really hope the doc that rings you later is a decent human and not a paper pusher. please let us know how you get on.
Actually I wasn’t going to post and I don’t know what compelled me to log in at all as I’d kinda given up. I keep having massive shaking crying episodes. Managed to wrestle myself out of it for a few hours this morning and did some gardening (should be working from home and it was announced a few days ago that more redundancies coming soon so not really a smart tactic from myself since I’m slipping further and further behind all the time but I was just trying to keep breathing… gardening in the drizzle seemed the best chance of that).
Now seeing you all here reminds me again you are all fighting this same war even if different battles and I need to keep going too.
My cat brought me a big frog and that cheered me up (it is unharmed, he is obsessed with them but very gentle so i could release it back into the pond and it swam off).
Sending a brain hug to you all and feeling privileged to be among you, please take care…
As I thought Dr has put me on antidepressants, I did not want to go down that road but if it helps it helps
Ron
Ron I hope it helps. When will you take your first one? My experience at first was really bad for the first week or two. Is there anyone you could stay with by any chance or someone locally you could meet up with for regular walks or something?
It was really worth it for me to have them (despite i am still really depressed at times like now, there are quite long breaks now sometimes where i can enjoy something and they are so so relieving) but just the first part is hard whilst your brain is adjusting so if you can get any support for the basic things then now is the time until you are through the first few weeks… or keep phone numbers of samaritans and all that jazz in your phone and remember to ring them failing all else. And of course keep talking to us xx I think it will help and hope I’m right for your sake x
Thankyou so much for your advice it meens a lot to me as I have never had to take tablets before to cope with day to day life, most help I have had is with the fellow sufferers on this site,
Ron x x
I was the same as you, I never ever imagined I would be on tablets like this and René would be so shocked I think but it’s desperate times so desperate measures if we want to try and live. It’s worth a try I think.
Thank you so much for posting as actually this conversation has spurred me to just snap out of the big crying session I was in the middle of and I am going to try and get going again. Catch up later x
Ron
Our emotions are all over the shop, I too often think I’d be better of out of this life, it seems a lot of us feel like this on here, its part od the dreaddd grief journey. It all gets too much doesn’t it, eating alone, watching TV alone, going a bed alone etc etc.
Hopefully you will feel better soon on the anti depressants.
Sending you a hug
Amy x