Spiralling

I honestly don’t know where to begin. The beginning is usually a good start. So ours started 6 years ago and since then my family and I have buried another 9 members of our family. My youngest brother took his own life that ignited a rollercoaster of loss. My mother never really recovered and now she is gone too. It doesn’t feel real but I know I’m lying to myself. She’s been dead now 3 months and I have never felt pain and anguish like this ever before. I feel like I’m going insane because I hurt so much then, I see my dad and my heart breaks again. He’s become a shell of a man. Have to make sure he eats, gets washed. He walks around lost without her. If I hurt this much, I can’t imagine how he feels. I’m the fixer in the family but, this one I can’t!

Hi @JustK,

I’m so sorry to hear about these immense, close, losses. I recently lost my mum too and feel like I’m hurtling through space, so much pain. So I can only imagine how you and your dad must be feeling having lost your brother too.

I know what you been about being the fixer who can’t fix. Sometimes, even though my mum’s been dead 10 and a half months now, I still get caught in ‘problem-solving’ mode, as if my brain thinks this irreversible loss is something it can find a solution to.

I don’t think you’re lying to yourself, it’s just so soon. And as you must already know, the reality of it comes and goes.

I wish you some moments of peace amongst the pain. Sending hugs xx