Square one again

Its been almost 8 months since I lost my once lover and best friend in one. I felt like I was starting to finally understand things, the why and the absence of him in my life… I was wrong. I feel like the only reason why I felt like I could say ‘‘I’m okay’’ to someone or ‘‘I’m good’’ and actually feel like I meant it was because I was constantly moving and staying busy. But when that stopped and I had a moment to think abt him and reprocess everything it’s like hit me again. I looked at his pictures and I was in disbelief, I feel so alone. He was the peanut butter to my jelly sandwich. It sucks deeply. And yeah I can talk about it with my friends but I just feel like a burden in their process of grief. I feel like no one wants to hear how incredibly lonely my life is right now, and how sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like no one will ever understand me. Him and our relationship was complicated but He was my person. I don’t ever think this pain and feeling of disbelief will ever go away, in some way, somehow we learn to live with it and pray to see them again.

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Hi - I lost my person 15 months ago. I keep busy and I tell people “I’m okay” and for brief periods I am. I don’t tell them I cried all day yesterday or that my sadness is such a heavy weight to bear alone. Even if I told them, they couldn’t help me - the only one who could is gone. The feeling of aloneness is still very overpowering and frightening. I struggle not to let it overwhelm me.
But I am just travelling down this hard road, one day at a time…just doing the best I can…
This site is full of warm, compassionate people who understand the mixed up emotions and physical pain of grief. It is a safe place to come and talk about how you feel. I hope you can find a little peace - H.

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Hi Mariaa. Welcome. Heather _Diane is so right. It seems we are cut off from the world. We see people behaving normally and we often think that our world has come to an end. ‘Why? why?’ goes round and round in our minds. There is no answer and we can do ourselves a mischief if we dwell on it. You are right, the pain does not go away, but it does diminish in intensity as time passes, and one day we can face what has happened with a degree of calmness. Nothing will ever be the same again, but I have found, after nearly two years, that it becomes more bearable. I have learned to accept what has happened, and in doing so have found some relief. Eight months is not long in grief. It may seems ages to you but it’s early days . Give yourself time to recover from the initial shock and trauma, because that 's what it is, a trauma. Have you seen your GP or had some advice about counselling? Sue Ryder do bereavement counselling so you could get in touch with Admin about that. ‘Going it alone’ is not good. We all need help from those who know, and all of us on this site do know.
Be kind to yourself, and I hope you get some little relief being here.
Blessings. John.

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@mariaa.1 You have described how I am feeling very well. It’s totally s*** isn’t it! I expect you feel the same like your life is totally out of control now the love that filled it has died. Every morning I wake up and wish I hadn’t. As @jonathan123so wisely says it’s very early days for us. Take care :broken_heart:

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