Still caring and looking after me, till the end...

I had not been so bad today as I had been the last two days, guess it made a change not waking up, and getting up at 4.am this morning… Not long gone into Richards bedroom, ( 9.30pm ) his now empty bedroom and cried out to him, this is your home, now you have left it to me, you paid for our last home, it paid for this home, it is yours, please come back, this home is yours-our home, not mine…
It is now, it was left in our wills but it just doesn’t seem right…This is Richards home, he had provided for me, he should be here enjoying his home, his money, his life but he is not…I am here, and it just is not right…it should have been the other way around…This is really hurting me, this is-was the good man he was…always caring and making sure I will be well cared for-looked after, provided for, he made sure I would not go without if the worst ever came to its worst, sadly it has and it did 11th April…All I want is for him to come back, this was not the way this was meant to happen…
I have been placing some glassware that we had bought when on our early dating holidays around the home, I am remembering going into the " Dartington Crystal " factory-shop and " Portmeirion " and bringing our souvenirs home, our fruit dish… now I have it placed on view, I have gotten one or two other pieces out that remind me of our early holidays in the Lake District-Devon, Cornwall, Anglesey-Wales…
I am trying to bring these pieces back into my home, so I feel he is apart of it, and can see what i have been trying to do, I hope my Richard approves…I know if he was here he would be happy seeing them in our home where they should have been the last 18 years…

Jackie…

Jackie…

I meant to have added, instead of hiding them away in the kitchen cupboard and using our more recent bought items that never matched the quality of what we had bought in the past…It is good seeing them back out…just wished my Richard could see them, he would have been so pleased…

Jackie…

Hi Jackie-Richard

I am so sorry reading your post about your lovely Richard. Because he does sound lovely, it comes over so clearly in your post and what a happy time you must have had together. I agree it is not fair one bit and it does hurt so much. But, the kindness of someone ensuring you have a comfortable home to live in with all the things you chose together to put in your home.

I think getting all your glassware out and the Portmeirion is a wonderful idea. It should not be hidden away in cupboards. It was bought by you both to be used and will bring back happy memories of when it was bought every time you look at it and use it.

I lost my Mum coming up for three years ago and in clearing our house prior to moving found a treasure trove of lovely things. So many things bought and kept for ‘best’. Well forget best they are being used now. I saw a box of brand new Portmeirion Botanic Garden wine glasses in a charity shop earlier this year. My Godmother, Mum’s sister loved Portmeirion so I was in that shop and grabbed them as quick as anything. I could almost feel my Mum pushing me in and opening my purse for me. I am currently drinking homemade Elderflower Champagne (Mum’s recipe) out of them!

Keep enjoying your lovely things and remembering your lovely Richard. Memories are all, they cannot be taken away from us.

Mel
Xx

I feel some of those things too, Jackie. Although I have always worked myself and made provisions for us as we got older in my own right, albeit to a lesser degree, my husband provides for me and our home still and, that is just another reason why I will do my absolute best to live for the both of us and continue to run our home as we always did as well as keeping it to the standard it always has been. This is my main focus. It’s my main focus because those things that I do have his name written all over them. They keep him, his memory, his spirit and his love right there in my heart, my mind and, my life now. It’s not a patch on the life I had with him when he was physically around me but it’s the next best thing I can think of. I don’t worry for the future. I don’t look to the future. I don’t want to think of having to build a new or different life. I loved the life we had. I don’t want to change it. I live in the now. The now is living for the both of us and living the life we had before, with the provisions he made for me to do that and with my man right there as he always was. His love hasn’t gone anywhere, nor has his spirit. It’s his physical presence I desperately miss but in every other form I know he’s here x

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Hey CW, this is a nice surprise. I wasn’t expecting to hear from you for a while. Are you in Australia? Xx

Yes Kate I am. I’m feeling the love from my beautiful nephew and his family. I spent my first day crying as I knew I probably would but now I’m all over the Oz experience and determined I won’t waste my precious time with them by being outwardly sad. The man came with me anyway. I take him everywhere :slight_smile: xxx

Oh you are so wonderful. You are an absolute inspiration. I do so hope you have a fantastic time. I knew your man would be with you - you couldn’t have made the trip without him. Sending love to you down under xx

Yes those days were such carefree days, our holidays when visiting these places- Portmeirion and Clovelly…back then neither of us never had a care in the world…we were just starting out on our life and adventure, albeit later in life, we were in our late 40s and early 50s…Now 20 years have been wiped out, never to be repeated ever again…

Just had another melt down, another cry, almost made it to bedtime…thinking about my Richard then calling out to him ( as I have said so many times before ) " Please come back, please come back to me, I will promise I’ll be a better person…"

All those things that I complained or argued about were so insignificant, nothing was so important, I can see that now…

Jackie…

Jackie…

Dear CW13
Love your post. So positive and encouraging. I’m feeling very down at the moment, on August 4th its the 1st anniversary of my darling husband Ian’s passing. I want to feel how you do I’m trying. You’ve cheered me up(for a while at least!!) Thank you
Love Julie xx

Dearest Jackie, please don’t think that 20 years have been wiped out. They can never be wiped out. You will carry the memories in your heart always just as you will carry your darling man. Xx

Oh Jackie, I am so sorry you have had a rotten evening and gone to bed unhappy. Hope you have managed to get some sleep. To be honest a good cry has probably done you good, relieves the stress building up.

As Scarlet O’Hara said ‘Tomorrow is another day’ so I hope you feel better this morning.

Xx

OMG your words could have been my words …, my soulmate/husband of 43 years died 29th April this year. Our two sons had both died prior to this aged 33 and 36. I feel exactly the same … I dont want to change anything … we had such a happy life together … he was such a good kind man. I miss his physical presence, his hand to hold, a hug, a shoulder to cry on … but his essence is imprinted here in our home we had together and brought our children up in. It’s so hard and so lonely but I am changing nothing! Like you I am trying to live the life we always did … I’m not very good at going out with people without him! I just want to be back home.

I hope in time we can all learn to live with and be blessed by the happy times we were lucky enough to have. When he was near to death all he was worried about was me and the fact that he knew he had to leave me alone… I said to him I will be ok … you go to Pete and Jamie… I dont know how I did that.

It’s hard and it’s heartbreaking but we are lucky we have had such love in our lives.

Hugs from me to you, Sue x

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