Still feeling lost

My wonderful mum passed away February 2017 from a brain tumour. It all happened so quick. Over a year has passed and yes I manage most of the time. But I still feel like there is a massive hole where she should have been. When I think of her it physically hurts. I have a wonderful supportive brother and we have tried to work through it together. I also have a fantastic husband and two children. I just have this feeling I need something else and I don’t know what that is. Obviously having mum here would be the answer, but that isn’t an option. I’m running a half marathon in September to raise money for brain tumours. But I still feel I need something else. Does anyone else feel like this and what did they do? I thought maybe group counselling would help?

Hi Abs,

I’m so sorry to hear that your Mum passed away. I had bereavement counselling when my Mum died 4 years ago, it helped me enormously. I do know that support groups can be really helpful. It’s talking to people who really understand what you’re going through & realising that you’re not alone. I also found talking to someone who wasn’t a friend or family member helped. People want to be supportive and help but sometimes they just don’t know what to say or they just give you advice.

I still feel a huge hole in my life where my Mum used to be. She was my best friend who I would talk to about anything & everything. Even 4 years on I still find myself reaching for my mobile beacuse ‘I must tell Mum about that’. The pain of losing her has faded but what I’ve had to do is adjust to a new life without Mum in it.

There’s no-one in my life now who I talk to like I did with my Mum. In a way I feel quite lonely sometimes, if that makes sense. I have a partner, daughter & friends who I talk to but it’s not the same. Maybe this is the feeling you have about ‘needing something else’? There is no-one quite like our Mums.

Well done for running a half-marathon. I’m sure your Mum would have been tremendously proud of you.

Keep talking to us & take care. Trudy x

Hi Trudy
Thanks for your reply. This year I have changed enormously and you’re quite right about needing something else. Sorry to hear about your mum too. Do you think it has got a little easier in four years? It feels like it’s not easier, but a different kind of pain. Not very good at explaining myself!

Yes it has definitely got easier over the four years. The first year, with all the first birthdays, Christmas etc is of course very difficult. I remember being in M&S and seeing all the Christmas party food which my Mum loved. I had to abandon my basket and make a swift exit crying my eyes out. Now I don’t cry as much but I still get, I suppose I would call it an ache, when I see things that remind me of my Mum. You’re right to use the word ‘different’…it does get easier though.

My bereavement counsellor told me that we never really grow up until we’ve lost our parents. I can see what they meant by that now. My safety net, my Mum, is no longer here & that feels scary at times - I’m 47!

There’s no set pattern for grief and what you’re experiencing. What upsets you one day, might not the next. I still have down days but I have far more good days. You just have to learn to roll with whatever the day brings but knowing that the bad days don’t last forever. Happier days will be on the horizon I promise x