Still grieving after 10 years

Hi

My dad died of a heart attack when I was 23 and then my mum at 36, I still feel angry, lost and sad, I keep taking my anger out on my husband and I’m driving him away, thought maybe if i joined this group it might help as my husband doesn’t understand what I’m going through

Hi,

I’m so sorry you’re having such a difficult time at the moment, feeling angry, lost and sad. Losing both parents is incredibly painful epecially when you’re so young.

I lost my Mum 4 years ago and was devastated. There are times I still feel lost and scared and I’m now 47. I do understand the anger you feel. Life is incredibly unfair. I struggle when I see people my age or older who still have their Mums. That’s not fair I think. You are not alone.

It’s possibly not surprising that your husband doesn’t understand, you do need to have experienced immense loss and grief to know how life changing it can be.

When my Mum died my husband (now ex - it was a bad marriage) thought he could simply replace my Mum. How wrong he was. No-one replaces the connection you have with parents. I still feel lonely sometimes today as I used to talk to my Mum about anything & everything.

I had some bereavement counselling which really helped me. I could express my anger, fears, devastation to someone neutral who didn’t judge & I had no-ongoing relationship with. It might be worth you thinking about it?

You are not alone, there are lots of wonderful supportive people in the community who will also understand what you’re going through.

Please keep talking to us & take care. Trudy x

Hi Trudy

Thank you for your reply, , im sorry about your mum, it is nice to talk to someone who knows how im feeling and that even though its been a decade since my mum passed, I still miss my mum and wish she had been alive to see my children grow up.

I know life goes on and I have to be strong for my kids but the pain never goes away, just gets buried sometimes. I’ll have good days and then the anger comes back from not having parents after spending time with other peoples parents who are older and still alive. Is that being selfish?

I don’t think we should worry about whether it’s selfish or not…it makes us angry and it’s ok to feel any emotion that we want to.The reality is that we can’t stop emotions, they arrive whenever they want to.

I suppose what we do have to think about is what we do when we’re angry. What I sometimes find myself doing is being a bit mean to my partner who doesn’t derserve it. Instead I try to find something nice to do instead, I light a candle, take my dogs for a walk, have a cup of tea in peace and quiet, a hot bath, some chocolate. I suppose I’m just trying to balance out the anger that I’m feeling - does that make sense?

It does make alot of sense but the problem is the anger will come out over something trivial that my husband does which is unfair to him, he just has to do a little thing wrong and i’ll pop, I dont know how to control it. To myself I think i was justified but deep down im angry becausei dont have any parents and im venting until i calm down.

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