I have been reading all these heartbreaking posts on this forum and it brings tears to my eyes because just over three years ago my beloved husband of 47 years died and I I got through the days, weeks, months and then years day by day, it was a struggle, it still is a struggle, how on earth can you ever ‘get over it or even come to terms with it’ when you spent most of your lives together, it still feels as though half of me is missing. We were little more than children when we met in 1964 and it was love at first sight, we were everything to each other, never apart unless we were working.
This week-end was my 75th birthday, my fourth birthday without my husband. Our family took me out for a meal but it emphasises the fact that there is always someone missing. They have now got on with their lives, marriage, babies, new homes, all exciting for them and I am happy they are happy, but it upsets me that my husband is missing out on everything because he was a hands on dad, always there to help them out, their 'phone calls to him asking him to do something for them or talking about a football match.
Yes I go out with friends who still have their husbands. I get dressed up, smile until my face aches then go back to an empty house, it is the home we shared for most of our married lives and this is where I find comfort, being amongst his books, records, photos etc. I left them all in the cabinets he always kept them in and our sons will sort them out when I am no longer here.
Our sons ask me why I have not changed the pictures on the walls when I decorated, I tell them their dad and I chose them together over the years and he hung them all up and it makes me smile when I think of the trouble we had getting them to hang straight.
The lovely thing is that before he became ill we went to a store and bought coloured emulsion paint, wallpaper and borders to decorate the rooms but when he became ill, they never got done. I decided a few months after he died, to get in a decorator and he decorated the rooms with the paint and wallpaper we had chosen together 10 years before.
I will never leave my home whilst I am fit and well, our sons are now in their late 40’s and tell me, even though they have had their own homes for many years, they love to visit me in the home they grew up in all those years ago, so many wonderful memories for them, they love to read his books as he was a lover of different types of transport and his books go back to the 1940’s.
We will never, ever get over losing the loves of our lives but somehow we manage to plod on, goodness knows how, but we do, but it is a long journey that we are on and we will never stop missing them until the day we are with them again.
I am thinking of all you bereaved people on this forum, especially the newly bereaved because I would not wish this nightmare on my worst enemy.
Sending you all lots of love.