Hi everyone, this is my first post on here. I’m just looking to meet and chat to people who understand what I have and am going through.
Both my parents have died; my mum died when I was 10 which is nearly 34 years ago and my dad died in 2022. I’m still grieving for both, in fact I don’t think I have grieved as I don’t know how to.
I think about my mum every day, relive what happened and chew over what could have been. I am so angry still that she was taken away from me at that age. I have missed out on so much with losing her. She’s never seen me grow up or met my kids.
Things were difficult after my mum died as I don’t think my dad knew how to bring up a young girl. He worked a lot, wasn’t emotionally available and we never talked about feelings. I just got on with it and coped. No one sat me down and asked how I was feeling, mental health wasn’t talked about as much. I had a few rocky years as a teenager where I got in with a bad crowd, drank, messed around with bad lads etc but aged 23 I began my current job which I’m still in now and I think I’ve turned out pretty well considering. I own my own home, car etc and doing ok in that respect.
My dad died in 2022 - he was in his 80s and had pancreatic cancer so didn’t last very long. He spent some time at home but kept going in and out of hospital. At the end he died alone in A&E as me and my brother had gone in with him but then left to go back later and he bloody died when we had gone. I still feel terrible about that, I feel like I failed him in his last moments.
After my dad died I threw myself into sorting out his estate and probate etc. I then bought a new house and just did everything and anything to not think about it. I think it is now hitting me…
I feel very lonely, I have an older brother but we aren’t close. We never have been as it’s a family trait that we don’t talk about feelings. I may see my brother a few times a year and speak occasionally. I don’t speak to my cousins as they are all a lot older than me and all males. I have one Uncle and Auntie I occasionally see.
I don’t have what I would consider close friends. I have a friend I’ve known since a child but our friendship is just going for a drink, we don’t speak a lot just texts every few months. When we go out we don’t talk about deep things.
I’ve split with my partner last year but we are still living together due to the kids/financials etc.
Anyway, sorry for the long post but I just think I need to speak to people who understand as everyone I know or meet seems to have both parents and close families, loads of friends and I feel resentment towards them, I shouldn’t do but why couldn’t that be me. I hate Christmas as hate seeing happy people with big families as I feel I have nothing. I just plod on, just existing but I’m quite sad deep down.
