Still grieving

I am not sure what I hope to achieve by posting on here, I suppose I just need somewhere to be honest with myself. I lost my dad 19 years ago and sometimes it feels like yesterday. I was 15 and feel like my life has stood still since that day. I am very close to my mum (in fact probably too close for a woman my age) and I have no other family, we were the 3 musketeers. I have a partner who has made poor decisions when it come to substance abuse and I stay because it’s what I know, we’ve been together 15 years. He is currently in treatment and things are looking up. I have a good job but support us both the majority of the time and have recently begun to feel like sand is slipping through my fingertips. I know that I am getting older but I still feel 15. I don’t have children and can’t imagine having them so I feel this constant feeling of half recklessness/ half panic that life is passing me by but also that I don’t feel equipped to do anymore. As I type this I am aware that I sound depressed but that isn’t the case. It’s not a sadness but an undercurrent of pointlessness. My fear of losing my mum is something that overwhelms me. She had been extremely unwell and ended up having life saving surgery, the feeling of utter helplessness during that time and having no one other than my partner to rely on was scary ( for once he really did step up) since then the feelings of being alone hasnt really gone away. I’ve got lots of friends and mostly lovely colleagues, I just get these waves of grief that knock me for six and feel that after 19 years I really should just be getting on with it, surely as I’ve been alive longer without him than with him. But then i worry im placing this all on grief and my dad dying, what if it isn’t that all? Thanks for allowing me this space to offload.

Hi Star,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your dad at such a young age, and how it has affected your life. Grief can sometimes have very long-term impacts, particularly if someone didn’t get the chance to grieve properly at the time of the loss, or suppressed their feelings for some reason.

I’m glad that you’ve found this site, and I hope that it helps to have somewhere to share all of these feelings. Our users are a very supportive lot and all understand the pain of losing someone close. While you wait for more replies to your post, I’ve found some other posts you might be interested to read - they are all by people grieving a number of years on:

Hello Star,
You will always grieve,it never stops…some days are worse than others,some go on longer than others.
I’m 31 now,i was 11 when my mum died suddenly from a brain haemorrage. No counselling was offered so i learnt to bottle it up. I was very close to my mum, i have days when i feel so lonely,empty…i try not to dwell on them for too long. Getting out helps, even just a 20min walk…i got myself a dog,she has been my lifeline. I don’t think i’d be here if it wasn’t for her. Having someone to talk to about how u are feeling helps,a good listener,someone who understands how u feel.
I recently became a 1st time mum to twins,life was starting to feel pointless. Not having kids is something i would’ve regretted later on in life.
Stay strong and all the best,
Rachel

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