I’ve posted a few times . I’m now torn as to whether me keep reaching out for support is keeping me stuck in a loop of depression sadness and anxiety . Always had on off depression angst etc but it’s off the scales. Previous posts stated when I lost mum and dad and estranged from eldest brothers leaving me feeling so so alone even though married and with 4 kids , eldest about times home and it’s just making my grief feel so much worse ? I’ve reached out for support from Drs mental health team crisis team all so much , and sadly have not had consistent support , drug up and down a lot in a year and just started to try switching to another anti depressant again today . And I’m highly sensitive to any changes in meds . All this has flared my Crohn’s disease aswell , so I’m scared of that ( I’m a massive worrier and have to know what’s what and what’s next always had to ; could be my autism and adhd )
The hardest part at the moment , I’m out of work , was managed out of job prior to all this . So I’m at home a lot . I walk 2/3 miles daily , but my thoughts are look where you are at 51, this is it ; I feel so weak and tired bodily , like my body has had enough ?? And when at home and kids get in from school , I feel so anxious ?? Makes me cry at times because they are my kids , but I can’t feel it ? I can’t feel my wife as my wife as she has not become carer but it has changed us , and I hate it . I’d always been the planner the fixer the joker , now I feel like a failed man doomed till death . When she leaves the house , I feel abandoned at times , but that does go after a bit . It’s like I’m stuck in a time where we were bringing kids up together , mum and dad were a call away and visited every weekend , and without all this , I feel a hollow empty man . Does this get better ? Please ? I’ve seen a couple of therapists for a bit but stopped and due to start another next week , but again my mind says look where you are . What happened to you Simon . And it feelS like this is forever . Weak around family , feel inferior , as I did as a kid growing up at school . Like an imposter in my own home . They all carrying on with what used to be all of our lives , and I’ve been left behind in a pit of sadness ? Always worked since 15 , this all feels so foreighn , so isolating , like I don’t have a home or belong anywhere ? Only time it stops , when I go to bed . Where my body says just stay . But scared that that will be it for me .