Still hurting

Its been 4 months since I lost Gill and if anything I feel more heartache and pain, Despite friends and neighbours being supportive I feel so lost and lonely , just typing this is making me cry and my throat hurts , I went to the bank yesterday and ended up crying , I cant help myself and life is horrible without her , I have no purpose anymore , I hope that this becomes better and I can cope better I know I will never forget her and what we shared , perhaps because it was so good is what makes it so bad ?? . Is anybody having the same problems and feelings , sorry if some of this doesnt make sense but just reaching out. Maybe someone going through the same can help. Hope you all find peace and calm in your lives.

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It’s early days at first the shock protects you, then the reality comes in waves, a good friend advised me to go through them, you feel it’s never ending but the wave does pass at first I was in such pain didn’t know what to do with myself, now just over a year the waves come but I can handle them, I can just stay quiet on my own it’s a huge adjustment life is forever changed but each time you are processing the feelings you are moving through them, it’s hard and lonely but now I am starting to feel some hope in my life I am forever changed and I deeply loved my partner somehow that is still with me, keep communicating here, you need every raft in a stormy sea it will change you are not alone

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Thanks Caroline , it really helps hearing from people who know what I am going through , I am finding it harder and harder but reading what you said does help me. Thank you so much.

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Hi Nipper, so sorry to hear about your loss.

It’s almost 2 years since my beautiful husband died, and I find it hard to even type those words. My life feels as if it has stood still during that time while everyone else has moved on. In many ways I feel locked into the day that everything happened and it all feels like yesterday.

However I think I (hopefully!) reached rock bottom in July/August last year. I had counselling and visited my GP and now take medication for my anxiety, which has made an enormous difference to my ability to function. I used to cry all the time but now not so much.

I have been able to go out, make new friends through my hobbies and get more comfortable being alone (which I hate) but have no choice. Everyone thinks that I am doing great, which on the surface I probably am. I try to smile as much as I can, be upbeat, and make other people feel good, which helps me feel better.

None of it takes away the silence or loneliness of the house, the loss of feeling loved absolutely and unconditionally, or the confusion regarding where he went. How could he be gone???

The whole process is just exhausting physically and mentally and I have found that I just have to be gentle with myself and not expect too much. I meditate every day and that helps enormously as well. I talk to him a lot, especially when I am walking on my own. I must seem a bit crazy but it’s my only way to cope.

There is no timetable to feeling “better” and people who haven’t lost their life partner try to help but we are all just trying to solve a problem that is unsolvable. I find the best people to be around are those who just listen.

I hope some of this helps you. It’s just my experience…the good news is that I do have days where I feel more like my old self, I can say I feel happiness again (which I never thought I would) and don’t feel guilty about it, but he is always missing physically and that is just incredibly sad x

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Hi @LoveForever you wrote everything so eloquently. It’s just coming up to twelve months for me and I still feel as though time has stood still for me too. I feel no further on than the day my lovely husband died. Your paragraph about the silence, loneliness and unconditional love brought tears to my eyes. I miss the physicality of my husband so much it hurts. I too hope for a day when I might start to feel like my old self but that still feels a long way off yet. Thank you for your kind words of hope.x

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You’re so welcome Nipper

This is so true ,I am glad I reached out for help because this really does help , I am not the only one feeling this way and your words give me some solace . Thankyou

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It’s coming up to 10 weeks for me & I find I’ve been getting worse, for the last 3 days especially. It’s nice to hear that some are finding it more manageable; I wish the acceptance would come with me because I still can’t believe I’ll never, ever see her again which makes me feel sick & as if I’m suffocating. @Nipper i wish you & everyone else a peaceful journey :heart::heart:

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Lovely words and sentiments. I lost my husband 17 years ago if he’d have lived we’d have been married 55 years this year and known each other 58 years. I was lucky to meet another lovely man and we spent 13 good years together untill his death in November 2021. I still grieve for what my husband missed eg a further two grandchildren ,our youngest son’s wedding but count my blessings too that I was lucky enough to be loved by two good men and that 's what keeps me going on those dark and lonely days xx

Please bear with it. I still cry most days after 3 years since Viv passed away. Stupid things that appear on TV sets me off. It has taken me 3 days to reply to a post about signs because I couldn’t complete it without crying. Take care and be brave.

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I guess we just have to hold on and hope things get better , we all know how hard it is to keep going but we must try no matter how hard and painful it is . I truly hope everybody on here finds some kind of peace and remembers the good thing we all had with our partners I struggle to put into words what I feel but we all must keep talking to each other.

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@Shirleymc going through one bereavement is enough for me, how you have coped with two I’ll never know, I really feel for you xx
@Johnch have you found the pain has gone after 3 years or are you still finding it hard to cope? It’s coming up to 10 weeks but I am finding it unbearable & just want to know the hurt goes or at least softens? xx
@Nipper yes it’s nice we’ve got each other on here & I hope you can find a peace too xx
Peace & Love to all :heart::heart:

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Please keep in touch, I know how you feel. It’s difficult, I know but we can all be here for each other. This place has helped me!

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@Emz yes I still find it difficult after 3 years (coming up in March) but it gets easier if you keep yourself busy. I have taken up lots of hobbies. X

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@Johnch Yes I have to get a new job so can imagine that will somewhat occupy my mind (as I worked from home before) & would like to maybe join a night class in time, when I’m feeling more up to it xx

@Johnch can you suggest some of the hobbies you have started. I wasn’t open to doing anything and still don’t know if I am ready but just don’t know where to start.x

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Every day is an effort at first and seems pointless. I lost my husband of 54 years in July and at first just felt a kind of relief as he had been in such a bad state after having Covid and severe delirium which rendered him totally bedbound and unable to move a limb and needed full time care in a nursing home with even the carers having difficulty to move him or keep him clean but he also had Alzheimers dementia which was getting worse and so often I prayed that God would be merciful and let him find peace before the dementia progressed even more. But when he died I was heartbroken and still am. I cry every day and miss him terribly. From feeling a sort of relief that he was at peace and not suffering further the ravages of dementia I just so wish that he was here with me. My mind goes back all the time to all our early days of meeting each other and marriage and the memories haunt me. But from hearing other people on this forum who feel the same I know that I am not alone so to everyone who is grieving and bereft I send my love. Unless you have suffered this terrible loss of a partner you will never understand.

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Oh my, the things I do now to occupy myself! I’ve taken up wood carving (cos I now volunteer for the local woodland group), diy, computers, whatever takes my interest on a day to day basis. I like wood construction models and my step-daughter bought me a Lego kit for Christmas! It’s whatever you want - no bounds. I’m learning guitar, piano, everything!

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@Pat8 my mother and father have both passed away now but I remember my dad saying when they first met at somebodies wedding in the 30’s they talked and then they just danced and danced. That’s how I will always remember them.

Thank you when my husband died I was in my mid 50’s and still working which helped keep me focused but grief hit hard a year after his death and I decided to retire early and focus on my grandchildren who were our future and they reminded me of the fun they had with their grandad and I could hear and see him in them. It’s been harder the 2nd time around as we had 4 children and 9 grandchildren between us and in my mid 70’s the future and building a new life i feels like a mamoth task but we have no choice but to live the best life we can in their memory and take pleasure and joy from our children and grandchildren. I struggle with anxiety but that doesn’t stop me going out and joining groups and volunteering and I count my blessing that I was loved and cherished by two good men xx

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