Still in shock

Losing a partner
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One month ago I lost the love of my life, on the Thursday we went for a drink & grabbed a Chinese -then two days later he is in ICU fighting for his life. He didn’t make it, my wonderful Roy.
I cry everyday and at the most inappropriate times but I can’t help it. Friends & fam have been amazing but even when sitting in a group of them I’m not listening as I am lost in thoughts of him. And now they are trailing off to their own lives, which of course they have to.
I still can’t believe he’s gone.
We were so in love, second time around for both of us and we had only been together for 5 years - but both of us felt like we’d known each other before. We lived in our own little bubble and did everything together, it was a great life.
Now suddenly snatched away and it’s a living nightmare.

How can I walk this Earth without him by my side.?

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My dear Kirstie, how my heart aches for you. I am so so sorry for your loss. My husband died very suddenly too, just over 2 years ago. He was a keen cyclist and had been on a 10 mile bike ride that day. There were no warning signs, nothing to suggest that there was anything wrong at all. Like you, we were so in love. We had just celebrated our silver wedding the month before. Even after 25 years I still got butterflies in my tummy when he came home. I simply adored him. I still have moments of utter disbelief that he’s gone.

How can you walk this earth without him by your side? You can’t.
How can I live without my husband? I can’t.
So I don’t.

My husband is as much alive now as he ever was. His presence is everywhere, I feel his aura all around me. I am learning to live with a man who isn’t here. I am learning to live with his spirit. His body was just a shell, albeit a very nice shell and I miss seeing his smiling face but if I close my eyes… Ahhhh, there it is…:slight_smile:
I can do this and so can you but it can’t be rushed. I am much further ahead in my journey of grief. I don’t want to make it sound easy because it isn’t. Just as we go through phases in love, so we go through phases in grief. Our love matures and so does our grief. Love continues to grow, so does grief. Love never ends, nor does grief. I am more in love with my husband now than ever.

To help me along I write a journal, to my husband, telling him anything and everything - how much I miss him, love him, about my day etc etc. It really does help. I know others on this site do the same. And that brings me to this site - this forum and the amazing people using it have been an enormous help to me. We walk this road together, never alone and to know we are not alone brings great comfort - to know others understand…

I have said before, my husband may have died but he’s not dead.

Sending you love, strength and understanding Kirstie. Xxxx

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Hi Kate
Thank you for your lovely words, the journal sounds like a good idea because I do talk to him but writing it down might help too.
I’m just starting to feel & notice things now, before everything was just passing in a daze. But his brother & sister in law stayed with me for a week so I wasn’t on my own and we had some strange things happen that let us know he was with us.
I will never ever stop loving him like you my feelings get deeper every day.
Thanks again hun xx

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So sorry to hear of your loss, the journals are a great idea, I have nearly filled my second one. My husband, Alan, passed away May last year, 38 hours after I’d been given his latest test results, thankfully he didn’t know. We celebrated our golden wedding anniversary March, 6 weeks later he passed away.

It is good that you have seen signs that your husband is with you, I have always been a believer in the spirit world, the signs can be subtle at times, yet they always get your attention. Writing in your journal will help keep him close, I write as though I am having conversations with him, the random thoughts I receive I take as his replies. These journals have helped me tremendously, likewise everyone on the forum too. We are all travelling the same enforced road, a road none of us wanted to travel. There’s no time limit on grief and we all help each other as best we can.

It is early days for you, I won’t say it’s going to be easy, it isn’t. I still shed tears daily and have done these past 14 months, some days I’m in floods, the least little memory jog can set me off. It was months before I could watch tv, then it was with the sound on mute. Still can’t listen to certain songs or artists, nor can I watch certain programmes or films. I talk to Alan constantly, what I have found is that the memories that keep popping up are all good memories, I cannot remember any bad times we may have had, and each day I love him more than the day before, if this is possible.

Everyone here knows what you are going through, we’re all going through the very same. If you want to vent off, then you’re in good company and at the right place, if you want to talk about your husband, likewise.

Taking things a day at a time is all any of us can do, some days it is taking each hour an hour at a time, rollercoaster days are quite common too.

Hooe you keep posting in here and find all the help and comfort you need.

Blessings
Jen☆

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Thanks Jen I really appreciate your kind words.
I’m finding either people don’t know what to say to you or they ask you how are you and then it’s me who doesn’t know what to say.
How can I answer? Lie & say I’m fine or tell them really - I can’t seem to do either.
I just want to shut the world out, put on one of his T-shirt’s and read old messages from him - is that weird?

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Nothing we do is weird. I spray his deodorant in the bathroom every morning. I’ve even sprayed it on one of his favourite tops to keep him fresh in my mind. I almost bought him a shirt last saturday when I was with friends.

I often look towards his chair to telk him something. Even though he’s not here in the flesh, I know he’s by my side in spirit, things happen that are unexplainable. Just do and believe in what is best for you.

I shut myself away, still do from time to time. Culled a few ‘fairweather friends’ .

At present still have one foot in the past I once knew and one foot in a present of uncertainty.

Take care
Blessings
Jen ☆

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There is never an inappropriate moment to cry for someone we loved and still love more than anything in the world.
I’m a 63 year old male and I frequently cry in places where is guys are expected to hold it in. Sometimes you just can’t, it doesn’t matter what others think, you need to let it out. I lost my soulmate and partner of more than 21 years on April 1st. She was diagnosed with cancer in February but never got a chance to fight the illness, her feeding tube caused sepsis, which she beat once but not the second time around after I gave consent to insert a new tube. She never recovered after the surgery. Rhonda was my second time around too. We felt like we’d known each other our entire lives, even though we lived on different continents when we first talked to each other online in the days before the internet became popular. Rhonda was a nurse for 30 years, her caring, loving nature lives on in me, she made me a better person so she hasn’t really left, part of her is still with me and always will be. When she left her body in the ICU I felt a jolt go up my arm at the exact second the telemetry showed her heartbeat cease. I believe part of her joined me.
So the short answer to how you can walk the Earth without him is you aren’t, he changed your life and became part of you. He will always be with you.

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There’s so much heartache for those of us left behind but it’s warming to see how compassionate everyone is here. Thank you for sharing it helps a lot.

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I was so sad to hear the loss of your love one. Know how you feel.
I lost my Mike 6 months ago now but get tearful at odd times. Sometimes I will be with a friend and think of something the next minute I am tearful. Sounds like you are lucky enough to have friends and family. I only have friends.
My mike was a very kind caring man and everyone loved him. He was quite whereas I was the noisy one but now I have changed. It is very hard to carry on on my own. I hate this lonely life. Wonder if ever in time we get to be content with this new life? who knows! x

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I know what you mean, I never imagined a life without him it just wasn’t possible - so I thought. We were together 24/7 and so in love.
I feel that I’m being very short tempered with people especially when they ask how I’m doing. So I avoid the question as to answer them truthfully would really make them worry!
I’m trying, but just so lost

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Thank you Kate. I am having a really bad day. Sunday’s always seem bad . But have just read your wonderful reply to Kirstie about not walking this earth alone and you have helped me find a reason to believe that my darling Ed has never left me. I speak to him in my head and thought I was just grasping at straws and now I hope that he is inside my head and my heart forever. We were inseparable and loved each other so much. He was diagnosed with terminal aggressive cancer week before Christmas and the first thing he said to the doctors was how worried he was at how I would cope without him. They gave him a year but he died in May after an infection from the chemo. We never got time to discuss many things as he thought it was too soon and just wanted to get through the treatment. I love the thought that his spirit is with me and we are now one. Your words have made such a difference to my sadness today Kate. I have thought about the journal idea and worry that as it’s nearly two months since I lost him that it may not work but now I think I will start to write down things that I would tell him. Even my fears. And if I have good days then I can enjoy telling him that too. Sharing thoughts while sharing this earth with him ? This forum has been such a help to me. Thanks to everyone who listens.
Liz

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Dear Liz, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your lovely comments. What a difficult journey we have to travel but if we can offer help and comfort (albeit small) to others along the way then what a blessing that is. I hope your day improved if only a little bit.

With regards a journal, it’s never too soon to start. I began mine almost immediately. It started off as a diary recording the terrible days leading to my husband’s passing and continuing after with ‘Day 1 AD’ (after David). It became a journal once I had finished the diary. I love to write to him and it’s something very precious between me and him only. I have never shown it to anyone. Sometimes I can’t wait to get home to tell him something. I guess it’s a coping strategy and it works.

Your beloved man will definitely be inside your heart forever, a heart overflowing with love. Carry him with you always. Sending you love and hugs xx

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Hello Carl,
This is the 3rd post, I have written to you in approx. 1 hour, I am so sorry that you lost your partner and soul mate, you will meet again, when the time is right. Trust me.
I wish you well,
MaryL