Still missing my husband

I found a proper bereavement counsellor very helpful in the early stages as I had no family locally and there were so many times I felt as if I was on the edge of a break down. She always maintained it was perfectly normal which I found comforting. She allowed me to talk about exactly how I was feeling and she helped me plan how to get through the anniversaries etc. She also got me to verbalise exactly what I’d lost in my life. I found this very helpful and now often think of things she said that made sense. Now what I want is like minded people to share experiences with…this group is doing that online but also I’d like a support group which is face to face contact…that needs to be cruse I think.

I don’t think you can ever get over it but I think and hope you learn to live with the sadness and memories without the constant tears and in my case no longer finding it necessary to avoid many situations that I know are going to hurt a lot. Though maybe the avoidance will always be there and you just find other things to do and people to be with. Who knows, it’s an uphill journey for sure and not one I wanted ever but certainly not at only 63 with probably many years of my life left to fill.

Good luck and warm wishes to you

No one understands except for those who have lost a loved one. I doubt I will ever get through this. Just when I think I’m coming to terms with it I am dragged back into the black hole; sobbing my heart out, crying myself to sleep. It will be 8 months tomorrow, as if that wasn’t bad enough I got news yesterday of someone we had worked with passed away on Monday. Take care xx

This sounds so familiar. I found and still find after 15 months things start to feel a little better and then the blackness re-appears. I also learned of the death of a good friend and tutor who taught on a yearly summer school I always attend just 5 months after the death of my husband. Looking back now I think I think I am more functional than I was after only 8 months so I guess I can say to you, it’s not good at 15 months but it is better so try and hang on to that.

Take care Rosemary x

Hi Rosemary. My husband was a Michael too. I’m coming up for my 5th anniversary on 28th January. The beginning of the end for my husband was xmas so the last couple of weeks have made me quite upset. Special days like birthdays, wedding anniversaries and death days will be hard. Counselling is very helpful if you get the right person. Talking does help. You cannot talk to friends and family unless they have been through the same bereavement. It is better to have someone neutral. If you need more counselling ask for it. My hospice will counsel for three years after bereavement. There are no words to describe how empty and lonely we feel but you will cope. Try and join groups and keep company. It does not replace but it does distract. Marianne x

I understand totally, my husband was my soul mate and it is coming up to 2 years and I am thinking about him so much,especially the last few days,he told me he knew he was going to die 10 days before and I didn’t believe him, obviously it is painful to remember. I am celebrating his anniversary with his son one day and a friend the next, he was only 74, I was 57 and we had been together 24 years. We are not alone in this painful journey,learning to live again as one,rather than a couple. I started a few college courses,pilate and my faith helps. Wish you well.

People think that they are well meaning with their words and what one person finds comforting someone else won’t. People want us to “get over our grief” but you never get over it. It’s more about learning to live with it.

Like you say, “getting over it” isn’t going to happen. Learning to live with it is all we can hope for and finding ways to be with people you can tolerate and don’t upset you with their kind but inappropriate platitudes.

If I get asked one more time how was my Christmas I’m going to scream. I also wish people didn’t put on a pitying face when I haven’t seen them for a while and they ask how I am.

I think that you do find who you can tolerate or you make new friends. People want us to be okay because they don’t know what to say or how to react. Sometimes I think people ask questions without really thinking what they are asking.

Yes I think you’re right and I think I’m still over sensitive.

I am very confused, because 25ht Jan is the 2nd year and the last few days have been worse than last year…Some days I torture myself because I was mentally unwell the last few years when I cared for Neil, and I think I could have done some things differently…today is a very painful day.

Cristina - how I wish that I could take the pain and anguish away for you! All I can say is that I am thinking of you, as you battle through this lonely time. It is very normal, even after all this time since Neil died, to feel that you could have acted differently while he was ill. You sound as if you are a very loving, sensitive person, and I am sure that you did all you could for your soulmate. Please try and stay strong, and concentrate on the wonderful life you shared for 24 years with Neil. Kind regards, Jackie

Hi Rosemary, next month is my bad month and it contains 3 separate days which will be really difficult. My husband was not kniwingly ill and it was very quick and even I wonder if there was something I could have done, something I should have noticed. It is just human nature to worry I think. I am already deading next month. You are not alone and I think all anniversaries will be difficult. My thoughts and prayers are with you and if possible show yourself some kindness. X

Hi Rosemary like the others here I too know exactly what you mean. Before we concentrated on caring for our husbands and didn’t have a moment to spare, yet now we seem to be at a loss and the spare time we have we scrutinize each and every little think we did or didn’t do and get critical. I know because that’s what I’ve been doing for the last 8 months. Everyday I add something else to my list of things I feel guilty about. My counsellor suggested I make a list, my family, friends and colleagues have told me numerous times I couldn’t have done any more. Strangely enough even John said as much in his goodbye letter, that still doesn’t stop me from beating myself and feeling guilty. I have no idea why we feel this way; I guess what they say is true we need to try to be kind to yourselves, not easy… 5 months ago I asked why I was still feeling so desolate, surely after 3 months I should have learnt to accept it, of course now I know different. With all the support and advice here in this community we will no doubt one day learn to accept our new way of living. Take care. Libby x

Oh, thank you all so much. I have only just found this support group but just to know that I am not the only one out there is great. Thank you.

You are definitely not alone. I felt just like you when I read and identified with so many in the same position who had lost their husband and were struggling big time to come to terms Take care. Love and best wishes. Ev

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I think exactly the same, this support group is very helpful. It’s nearly 17 months for me and I am still frequently overcome with tears and real misery. All I can say is it does pass over a bit quicker than it did a few months ago and there are more periods of feeling I will get there eventually

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I want to welcome you to our Online Community - I hope that the messages you receive from other people who, like you, have gone through the great sadness of losing a partner, will be of comfort and help to you. You mention that your beloved husband died 18 months ago and you still feel very alone - I am wondering whether you have any family or close friends to support you. If you had been married for a long time, it is bound to have hit you very hard when your husband died, and I expect you are still trying to rebuild your life without him. As you will have found, there is no easy way to do this, and every day probably brings new challenges for you. Please take care of yourself, with kind regards, Jackie

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Welcome to the Community. This is the one place you can be yourself and pour your heart out and no one will judge you or tell you it’s time you got over it; there is no time limit for Grief. Take care Libby x

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We had been married 45 years and although he had two chronic conditions and did need care, when he was diagnosed it was a shock. Treatment stated and then he was really ill. Nine weeks that’s all. The family, well we have two sons but they both live abroad, so yes it’s been a bit tuff. Sue Ryder have helped and like all the others on your site, some days are better than others. I think the worst thing is that I did not expect the grief to go on and on, why I don’t I don’t know but now it’s part of my life and I feel I must just cope/manage with having there. It’s learning to live with the grief and not having him to help me. As they say life goes on and we have as well. Thanks for your support, in time I hope I can repay for all the help I have received.
Take care. Madeline

I know what you mean Madeline. I don’t know what I was expecting, I knew I’d be dreadfully upset and miss John but after a 3 months I was asking why I was still feeling this constant pain following me every where every second of the day. It’s coming up to 9 months and never a week goes by when I still find it hard to accept John isn’t here, some days don’t seem too bad. I still cry myself to sleep. We just learn to cope with it. It’s hard not having your sons near by. I too am on my own most of the time and I prefer it as I can cry and mope around and be myself (not worry about putting on an act for anyone). Take care Libby x

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