I’ve lost a lot in my 40 years of being here
My first funeral and first death was our first baby Amber Rose. Amber was a much loved much wanted baby. Amber was born 2 wks early she was healthy putting on weight. When she turned 4 wks old Amber sadly contracted septicaemia meningitis and died 6 days later in the paediatric ICU. We had to switch her machines off and sit and watch her die.
It was horrendous watching our baby stop breathing.
6 years later my Dad got bowel cancer and died 18 months later. I have never seen anyone deteriorate from being a healthy stroppy man to a weak quiet souless man who weighed nothing.
A year later my Mum got very very sick. After months in ICU they found loads of tumours in my Mother’s tummy. My Mum was transported to a hospice near me where she died two wks later.
My Mum was my best best friend.
My Father in law was diagnosed with lung cancer at the same time and died a day after they moved my Mum to the hospice.
I’m still struggling to feel normal.
I have 3 kids under the age of 9. I used to be a calm soft Mum I’m now full of rage I shout a lot. I hate myself for it. My family is so broken.
I am so sorry for all the things you have been through, try not to be too hard on yourself, you have been through so much already. I really don’t know how you have coped. Try and be kind to yourself.
You are right, you have lost a lot. I always wonder how much sadness one can really stomach before it gets too much. I don’t have any advice but I feel your pain and at least you are not alone. I was just watching my young boys sleep wondering if I’ll ever be their fun loving mum again. I adore them but feel so broken too and yes the shouting happens, sadly. As Sam said, be kind to yourself.
I feel guilty all the time about not being who I was but at the same time I don’t want to be the same as a big part of me is dead and if life just goes on, what did they mean to us?
I can’t imagine how you feel because I sometimes wonder how much sadness we can really cope with.