Still struggling to believe.

Yesterday, six months since my husband died, I finally got around to closing his bank account. I rang the bank to make an appointment and let them know I might be upset. They were really kind and helpful. I was thinking how well I was doing then, walking home, I started to panic about what Gary would say when he came back and his bank card wouldn’t work. Makes me realize that I am still waiting for him and have not accepted that he had gone. I wanted to share this in case anyone else is struggling with this sort of thing. I have found it helps me feel less crazy reading that others have similar experiences.

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Dear Sharon

Your message was so moving and real. I’m sure we have all had the brain fog loss forces on us. In a way I suppose its a way of protecting us from pain, except when reality hits it really does.

I’m sure you’ll receive other comments and help on here, keep writing won’t you.

My thoughts are with you.

Miche24

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Dear Sharon60

It is 18months since my husband died in a motorbike accident. I accept he has gone but it is still the disbelief that he walked out the house that beautiful, sunny morning, smiling as he always did and that was the last time I would see him. I am still sorting out the final strands of probate as we had no Will and what with the inquest etc it has been quite a protracted process. But I still pull up on the drive expecting to see his smiling face at the window, indicating that the kettle is on and to hurry in for a cup of tea. We were married over 38 years and together 42 years.

Thank you for posting. Its not that we are crazy I think for me personally, its just me wanting to believe that it has all been a bad dream and he will be waiting at the window for my return as usual.

Take care. xxx

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Hi Sharon and Shelia, about 2 months after my husband died, I said to our children I need to do something with dad’s mobility scooter, I had been faithfully charging it every week just incase he needed it, silly I know. We made the decision to give it to a local charity, I felt so uneasy after it had gone, I knew Doug wasn’t coming back, but would he will be cross with me for giving it away. I then dreaded seeing someone using, luckily that has not happened yet.
It has been 14 months since he died, 44 yrs married, together 47yrs.
Just every now and again I forget he has gone and half expect him to be at home when I get in from work.
Debbie X X

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Dear Debbie

That is a beautiful gesture and not silly to have continued charging it. I can understand the dread of seeing someone else using it. I sold my husband’s car to a local garage and everytime I see a grey VW I look at the car registration just to see if its his.

I struggle with the contents of the house. We downsized (in the truest sense) three years before my husband died so only have a small number of items in our little bungalow. I dread having to part with anything. The TV which we bought together has just broken and I cannot bring myself to go and buy another one, so am sitting in the house with nothing but silence and watching the hours slowly tick by.

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Hi Sharon……I lost my hubby fourteen months ago and I wasn’t a keen gardener it was his love…so over the months ive altered the back garden from his small veg plot into a pretty peaceful place with pretty tubs and a two seater swing…and I sit there a lot thinking of him …and am proud of looking after his garden but differently….but then I think what would he say at what I’ve done and feel guilty…… but doing it has kept me going…but I still expect him to come home it still feel so unreal…sending ((((((((hugs)))))))

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We had to downsize too, five years before Doug died from a house to bungalow, he couldn’t manage stairs anymore.
Deciding what was important to keep and discard is a tough decision, so I can understand why you don’t want to part with a TV, @Sheila26
The one thing he wouldn’t comprise on was his tools, we have a massive garden shed with everything in, and they still are in exactly the same place he last left them. Occasionally I will use a screwdriver or something but I’m always careful to put everything back in it’s place.
The garden was his favourite place and I feel closest to him.
@saffy, what a lovely thing to do, I would imagine your husband would love what you have done to the garden, and proud you are still looking after it as he would have done.
I love being in our garden too, when I’ve planted something new or changed things around I often say, is that ok Doug, do you approve. I know in my heart he does.
sending love Debbie xx

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Evening Sharon So sorry to hear of your loss and how roar it is for you. I lost my husband three years ago now and it still seems like yesterday. I have no family at all just friends thank goodness for friends. I think the best thing to do is to take each day as it comes. I still have tears from time to time . You are not alone and this web site really helped me through the early stages and still does. For two years after my husband died I had four operations and was told it was all due to stress as I have never been a sickly person. My immersion heater blew up two days after Mick died the list is endless the things that happened to me and was also told I could have gone blind through lockdown when I have always had perfect vision. Stay Strong Sharon and when you feel low write your feelings down on the site as I am sure someone will be there for you. Take care and look after yourself Suex

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Hi all,
I think a sense of disbelief is part of the enormity trying to take in what happened. My husband died in December and I expect to see him coming out of his study when I get back from work … which is obviously not going to happen. I replaced his watch battery the other day as it had gone flat, it just didn’t feel right not to.
Changing the garden a bit into a calm place which helps sounds a great thing to do, I am sure he would understand. The person you love and who loved you will always accept what it takes you to get through one day after the next.
I cry most nights but i think at least it helps to release a bit of the pressure.
take care all and lots of hugs xxx

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Hi everyone, reading all your posts on this thread I couldn’t believe how you’ve taken the words right out of my mouth. I do exactly the same things, I’ve tried to change a flowerbed we have on our property, planting new shrubs and flowers, digging up weeds, jobs my husband used to do. I’m doing it for him, I’m sure he would approve, he was always full of innovative ideas. I We also have tool sheds and I try my best to fix things around the house with the help of my two grownup kids,but there is so much we can’t possibly do on our own. My husband did everything himself, it feels so strange now having to call even a plumber or someone to plough our fields, as we live out in the country. (Italy). His car is still in the driveway, I know I should sell it but it would be like letting him go even more,haven’t got the courage to part with it. I also feel he’s going to show up suddenly and say it was all a bad dream, it’s so impossible to accept for me.
I relate to all of you here, take care of yourselves.

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Hi All,
Six months since I lost my wife Sheena, I can’t stand the garden, it was her domain, I just cut the grass, she lay out in it last summer hoping the sunshine and tranquility would lead to recovery. It didn’t happen instead she got a cancer diagnosis and only lasted nine weeks thereafter.

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It is so painful. This time last year we were so happy. I never thought we would be apart.

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Hi Sharon, I feel with you, it feels like multiple bereavements, loosing the person you loved most, losing your life together and the future you had planned together. Sadly nobody can bring those things back. I try to plan nice things each day and when I go to bed to think of at least 3 good things that happened during the day which is not always easy. I talk to my husband a lot which helps me. I find sometimes things people say can be very hard but then I have to remind myself they mean well but don’t realise what they say isn’t necessarily helpful. It is so hard and yes, a year ago I didn’t think I would be a widow. My heart goes out to you, big hug, K. Xx

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Thank you for this. I will try to find good things. Our daughter had good news yesterday and I was so pleased for her but after her phone call I couldn’t stop feeling so sad that her father didn’t know. It feels overwhelming and that all good things will be sad as well as good because he can not share. I do talk to him a lot which helps. Take care.

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Hi its been 8mths since my husband was so cruelly taken. Today is his birthday & I still can’t accept its real. I wait everyday for him to come home & tell me I’ve been living a nightmare. I’m so lonely its broken my heart forever. Love to you all

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Dear Sharon,

My husband died eight years ago after 47 years of marriage and together 50 years. I too could not clear my Peter’s clothes out for three years just in case he came back home and wanted them. In fact I still have his suit, shirt, tie, underclothes, socks and shoes hanging in his wardrobe next to my clothes. I moved some of my outfits into Peter’s wardrobe so his clothes would not be hanging there alone. I also still have a brand new pair of his trainers that he never got around to wearing and everything is in a zip up suit bag.

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It is so hard to believe they won’t need them. I didn’t know other people felt like that until I joined this group. It makes me feel a bit less crazy. Thank you for sharing.

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Dear Lisa, I know, birthdays are so difficult to get through, my heart is with you, you too Sharon and Lonely. I haven’t touched any of his clothes either. I can’t even bear to open his wardrobe, looking at all his jackets, shirts, coats, I’ve also bought some suit bags to put away his ‘special’ jackets and coats to protect them from dust, but I’ve only managed to store a couple of them, the other bags are still waiting to be i filled, it’s so heartbreaking to do this but I just want to keep them new and in good condition for him.
Take care, my new friends.

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Dear Solost,

With my husband being ill for eight years before he died, he lived in thick fleece jackets as they kept him warm and comfortable. He had such a lot. After he died I started to wear them all and now, after eight years on my own, I am still wearing them. I have his heavyweight rain jackets with hood, his woollen winter beanie hats, scarves and gloves he used to wear on his mobility scooter before he got too ill to go out. In winter I put them on when I have to go out in the garden for anything. With him being a big man, 6 ft 4 ins. tall, his clothes are massive and much too large for me but I love wearing them during the winter months, it keeps me close to him.

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I am like you hate going out in the garden. When the sun is shining I miss my husband more than ever as he was a busy farmer and now his son and my stepson has taken over the farm I have no life either

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