I don’t know where I am at the moment other than to describe it as grand central station. I have all the tracks in front of me and im fearful of stepping on to the train journey with mum by myside.
My mum died beginning of December. I started counselling about a month ago and have had 3 sessions upto now. I don’t even know if it’s helping. I sit and talk about mum and how my weeks gone come away and feel not much better. All she keeps saying is grief is a journey which is different to everyone im not ready to go back to work it not ethical for me to work with my patients and patients to work with me when I am how I am. My sick note runs out again on the 20th I have a meeting on the 15th with my boss about a possible phased return. I don’t know if Im ready my head feels all over the place the only time it doesn’t is when I can get on the hills walking. As soon as im back home I just feel like I go down. I cry, I even cry myself to sleep I hear my mum calling for her mum just before she died. I hear her breathing when it’s quiet in the house.
I know mums at peace now but I miss her so much. Seeing all the Mother’s Day adverts around at the moment is destroying me. I have her birthday coming up as well beginning of April as well. It all just feels to much and overwhelming for me.
So for the rant just need to get things off my chest.
Hi Fungi33
I’m sorry to hear about your mum, it’s still so recent for you, it’s normal to feel all over the place and unsure about returning to work.
Mother’s Day and everything leading up to it can be really hard when you are missing your mum. We have some advice here that might help?
And no need to apologise- the community is here for you to express your feelings.
Take good care,
Rhi (Sue Ryder Community Team)
Dear @Fungi33
I am sorry to hear of the loss of your mum. I do hope the Community will be of support and help to you.
There is a blog on Losing a Parent which may be of help to you along with the following resources by Sue Ryder.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS. This will be also helpful for family and friends.
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat if you feel the Counselling you are receiving is not helping
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through
It might be helpful if you have done not so already to book an appointment with your doctor to let them know how you are feeling and to see how they can support you. Meeting with your boss will be of help to you as you can explain you are not ready to return to work and to see how that can help. It does help to talk.
There is always the Samaritans on 116 123 for free to talk to and are available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. It is a confidential service.
Please continue to reach out at any time, we all understand what you are going through. You are not alone.
Take care.
Pepsi
I lost my mum too but in early December too after a long battle with cancer. It was a shock as she has just started a new round of chemotherapy and we thought we had some time left with her. I’m so sorry to hear about you and your mum and hope you are able to get the support you need. I’m so very lost at the moment too. I returned to work today after having the time off but after half an hour had to leave and am now back off sick. It was too soon 
@Smiler07 im sorry to hear about your mum l. My mum had cancer as well she was due to start radiotherapy as she had already had chemo which had brought her levels down. Within a week she had died it was so fast at the end. Sending hugs your way
I lost my Mom on the 16th of March 2020 and I’m still not coping. I don’t work anymore because I just couldn’t cope I tried after she passed but I just had panic attacks and hated the whole experience so I stopped. When my Mom died my brother was 15 and my sister was 14 years old so I moved back home to care for them and still am now. I have no family support as they’re all toxic. I have had so much childhood trauma from them and when Mom died they said they would put my brother and sister into care as they couldn’t deal with it. I wasn’t living at home at the time I moved out of my home at 15 years old. I was 19 when Mom died and I’m soon to be 23 on March 30th. I don’t know what to tell you about it getting better because for me it sort of has but everyday I wake up crying missing her it’s shit.
Grief is absolutely shit. I hate it and I am so sorry you have to go through this.
The only thing I will say is you do whatever you can do to make yourself feel calm and not overwhelmed.
And take your time. No person is the same when it comes to grieving. It didn’t hit me fully at first and then I started to lose my shit being stuck inside because I was so scared to go out and then when I did go out I’d get signs of her by stuff in the shops or someone looked like her or had an outfit she would’ve worn or her car will drive by and walking home thinking she’ll be there and when I was at home waiting for her to come walking through the door. It horrible honestly.
Just do what feels good for you and please feel free to message me I don’t know how you do it on here but yeah if you wanted to drop me a message.
I might not have all the answers or a magic wand but I’m here to vent to and talk about your mom if you need.
I really wish you all the best and sending a virtual hug through the screen. I am so sorry you’re going through this.
Thanks @Miahkimbo sorry for your loss as well. I don’t want to give up my job I do love my job. It’s just not the right time for me to deal with other people issues and problems in their life when I can’t deal with my own. I know I will get there I think I just need to get past her birthday then I can look at going back but at moment I know I can’t. I just feel stuck
Hi Fungi33
Just want you to know I am thinking of you.My mum passed Dec 30th and I feel the same as you.
I love the fact that when you are out walking on the hills it is better.I will try that.At the moment I am struggling to leave the safety of my house so it’s tough
Am here if you ever want to message
Deborah x
@seychelles i was like you I didn’t want to go out but I started making small little goals end of the path end of the road to start with. It does help but when your ready to do it. Just start small and go from there. I wen twitch my niece today for a short 5k but the gradient was tough. But when I got back to the car I felt that I had achieved something I never thought I would. We spoke about my mum and shared memories which helped to get up the hill.
Aww how lovely Well done.
That’s what I am going to do Small steps for sure. I love walking in the mountains seeing waterfalls.They are so pretty and also lakes
Where I live in Pembrokeshire we are so lucky as we have beautiful beaches and stunning scenery over mountains If you get a chance Google the preseli Mountains
I need to go out of the house as have only been out once since mum passed a month ago and when I did today it was a disaster of a day with me crying and crying . As you say I need to do small steps
Thinking of you and hope you will keep in touch
Deborah x
@seychelles will certainly have a look on Google. I’m Lancashire so we have some lovely areas to walk around here as well. Hope you are doing ok. Went on a walk yesterday with the OH. Ended up do 13km furthest I’ve been so far. But did end up breaking down crying 10 minutes into the walk. Just felt to overwhelmed for some reason yesterday.l but kept pushing through.
Aww Katie07 my heart goes out to you .
Keep posting on this site as everyone on here will help you.
Just write anything and everything as we are all grieving.
Thinking of you
Deborah x