Everybody thinks I’m doing so well. That’s my fault because it’s a front I put up. In reality I’m not.
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The reality is Pete it is easier just to say I’m okay, because unless the person your talking has been in your shoes they don’t really understand the pain your going through.
Sending love and a hug 
Debbie X
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Hi . I do the same act like I’m ok and coping infront of my kids and work . When really I am a total mess . And every night when I’m in my room the tears fall . And all the questions . Why did this happen to us . How do I live a life without the one person that truly loved me and understood me . I am a no one now . Not special to anyone. Thinking of you xtake carex
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Yes it is so much easier to say I’m doing well than to say I’m heart broken and what am I going to do we fear peoples response and will they avoid us not knowing how to cope with our honesty or real sadness thinking of you
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That’s what everybody says when I first see them,. Are you OK and of course the stock answer is yes. What else are you supposed to say. I know I’m not alone in this but it’s so hard. The most difficult thing I’ve ever had to face.
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When she was here she didn’t have the best life, not the one I would have wished for her anyway. I seemed to have spent my time fighting for disablility payments for her and getting doctors to sign her repeat prescriptions, going to Citizens Advice for help and generally getting stressed at bureaucracy and red tape. Strangely, although at the time I wouldn’t have said so, that’s what kept me going. Now my days seem totally empty.
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I understand when hubby tookbad with cancer I had to fight to get his repeat prescriptions and to get him food supplement drinks . Every day there was something to stress over . We put in for PIP last year in may . He died in September . I finally got a payment last month . It was when he was ill we needed the extra money . To help . So I didn’t have to stress to much . Not months after he died . To much red tape and crap . That all adds to the stress . And now just trying to get through each day with out him xtake carex
Jo had her disability allowance transferred to PIP but then had an assessment and they took away her mobility allowance. I appealed and I took her to the tribunal in her wheelchair. It was held in a magistrates court. She got all her disability payments reinstated. I do understand that some people work the system but if you arrive at an assessment in a wheelchair isn’t it pretty obvious that you’re disabled. She was so stressed and I was beyond angry.
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I refuse to say I’m ok, I’m good, I’m doing fine anymore as I think it minimises what grief does to us. People need to know the pain we are going through. After all, it will happen to us all. We need to break the stigma. When ppl say how are you doing, or I hope you’re feeling better I say “feeling shite is an accurate description but I’m still plodding on”. X
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It’s so much easier to say “oh, I’m up and down,” than to say, “I cry every night and I’m sniffing guitar straps to see if they still smell of him, and I’m not sure what day of the week it is, but occasionally I have a manic blast of tidying and getting things done before crying again.”
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Hi no wonder you were angry . The stress doesn’t help either . Genuine claims . We have to fight for . Yet some people who play the system just get it handed on a plate. And now we have all of these thoughts as well as the heartbreak of trying to live without our loved ones . It doesn’t get any easier in fact nearly ten months since my hubby died and I think it is getting worse. The reality of this is our life now . Sad , lonely. And heartbroken. Thinking of you xtake carex
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@Shaz69 Totally agree, people ask because they want you to say: “I’m OK… or I’m plodding on… or one day at a time” as it makes THEM feel better for asking. I just say: “total shit, but nothing to be done” which allows them to put a tick in the box for asking, but doesn’t downplay I’m dying inside. If they push or ask more, I then say: “there aren’t the words to describe it, with all respect to you, if you haven’t been here you can’t get it. It would be like describing colours to a blind person”. THAT is why, even though I’m new here, I visit this site every morning as it allows me to understand that I’m not mad, and why I feel so devastated, and “talk” honestly with people I don’t know, but who DO understand.
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Everyone asks “how are you?” or “are you ok?” - but who really wants to open up a conversation about how someone really feels when they are absolutely devastated. Most people shy away from discussion of emotion and especially where death is involved. My neighbour walked past me in the street and only just said hello, when she knew that my wife had recently died. I feel so disappointed in her and she is a GP.
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@Catharchist . A fine example there of the fine line between comedy and tragedy!
Your post made me laugh out loud (first time in a while, so thank you) and then it made me cry (again!).
I do think we go a bit/a lot, insane post bereavement.
Those that know us well, know we’re not OK whatever we tell them, and the rest don’t really matter.
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This is just how I am, how I feel. Thinking of you, take care.
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Hi so sorry for your loss. Yes it is so hard I miss my hubby every minute of every day . Find it hard to plod on every day . But I do find posting and reading on this site helps me a lot . Knowing kind people know how I feel and get me . Hopefully you find this helps you a little . Xtake carex
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Thank you. My husband died after a long illness but I was still nowhere near prepared for it. I try to stay positive but that can be so difficult day after day. The site is so good in that we can feel less alone. Take care x
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That is the problem. You were their whole life and your partner cared for you with every fibre of their being.
Your partner was your whole reason for existing on this planet and gave your life meaning.
Without that love, you feel completely lost at sea and there is no rudder.
There are no reference points any more and you endure an existence. It cannot be called a life coz you have no interest in activities that used to captivate you.
As Morrissey once said " Every day is like Sunday".
Keep strong and seek out distractions coz that will keep your head above water.
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Hi thank you for your reply . That is exactly how I feel . There is no point to this life now . No happiness no comfort . Just pain and heartbreak . I feel so lost most of the time . I don’t know who me is anymore . I actually use to like me . But she is a total stranger now . I try every day to be positive and to try and live some sort of life . But I feel everyday I fail … it does help knowing people on this site are there for us . To help us on a bad day or just being there for a chat . Because they know how we feel . Xtake carex
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So much of what everyone says rings a bell with me. My wonderful husband died last December and recently someone in my village asked me if I’m OK now! How could I possibly be OK after the devastation of losing my soul mate? Take care everyone x
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