Still struggling

Hi all.
Not sure what to say really but I’m struggling. My mom died last February and I’m still finding it hard to cope. Back story my mom went in to hospital December 2021 and in February 2022 we were told that she was so bad that there was nothing they could do and she was dying. I am so angry as we hadn’t been able to be with mom since covid restrictions where still there. Poor thing was stuck in hospital for her last Christmas and new year alone
We did manage to spend 5 days with her in hospital as they lifted the restrictions for close family. Sadly we couldn’t bring ourselves to tell her she was dying. Not sure weather or not this was the right thing to do or not but we can’t change it now.
She past on Sunday 27th February. To say my world came crashing in is an understatement. I was truly heart broken and to be honest. The whole thing seems to be a blur. But we had the funeral (she was cremated) and my dad has here at home.
But why am I rambling well I’m still struggling to copy I can’t even say how much I miss her. I cry all the time and feel my heart is breaking everyday. Now I’m lucky I have a wonderful husband and a Little boy but the grief is overwhelming all the time. I can’t bring myself to really tell anyone how I feel as I’m worried they are bored of hearing it. I have 3 brothers and sisters but I feel like they are coping I maybe wrong but that is the vibe I get. And my husband lost his mom and dad a long time ago so I’m scared he will just think get over it. But I can’t how are you meant to go on coping with such a huge loss. At time I feel I’m drowning like there is an elephant sitting on my chest. What am I meant to do? How do I overcome this loss and grief?
I also struggle as with her being cremated and ashes being at home with dad. I don’t have anywhere to go visit and pay my respects and sit and chat silly as it sounds
I think I’m sending my self crazy. Anyway thanks for reading if you got this far. Much love L x

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Hi @Lorrayne,
Loosing a parent is a big shock, especially when it’s so resent. Parents are a big part of our lives, & they are there for so much, we get used to the idea of them always being there, though we know realistically no-one lives forever, so a new reality without them is a big change that can be hard to come to terms with. My mom passed away 2 years ago, & I’m still not used to it yet. All I can say is take it one day at a time, & do what’s right for you. If you think counciling could help, do it, if you just need some alone time to process things, or cry, scream, shout, keep a diary, whatever works for you.

It’s best not to assume what other people are thinking, obviously you know your husband & siblings best, but maybe try talking to them about how you feel, everyone is different, & it’s possible that they are grieving in there own way, or maybe keeping busy to block out thoughts of grief. But generally speaking, most people, myself included, are usually so in shock for the first year or more after a big bereavement like this, there’s just this big parent shaped hole in their lives, & they don’t know what they’re supposed to do, or how to adjust to that, so they spend most of the time shell shocked, on autopilot, either trying to keep busy just to block it out, or too sad or angry for words. As for your husband, just because his parents passed years ago, that doesn’t mean he should tell you to get over it, that would be a very heartless thing for anyone to do. I don’t think anyone “gets over” loosing a parent. In theory, the fact that he’s been through it should make him more sympathetic to your situation, & if he’s been through it himself with his parents, he should know how it feels, if you try to bottle how you feel, he may feel concerned that your not letting out how you feel, which would worry him more.
I remember COVID well, my mom collapsed in summer 2020, 2 days after my birthday, & during COVID, she was rushed to hospital, 3 days & several scans & tests later they found a brain tumour, when she got to see the consultant they said it was a very aggressive cancer, terminal, at that time they said she would die within weeks if they don’t operate to remove the tumor, but all it would do is buy her some time, it was terrifying.

As for the ashes/no grave situation, this is clearly a very emotional time, & an emotional situation, so I hope I’m not overstepping, but maybe talk to your dad, & siblings, see what they say. If not there are still alternatives, my baby died when I was still pregnant with him, so he has no grave, in the conventional sense, but I do have a special place I go to every anniversary of his death, it’s a park, where I went when I found out I was pregnant with him, & I sit & write to him, I have a special backpack where I keep all his letters, this is what I call his “portable grave”. You do what’s comfortable for you, but maybe keeping a special memory box for her, or going to a place where you have a special memory of her, or maybe a favourite place of hers, I know it’s not the same as having a proper grave, but hopefully it helps.
Sending hugs of support.

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Hi Lorrayne,
I lost my mum last Dec and feel exactly the same as you. I think I must have cried every day and in the beginning it was terrible just non stop crying. It is such early days for us so I take one day at a time.
I get good and bad days mostly bad so it is normal how you are feeling .
Write on here as often as you want There are so many wonderful people on here who will reply to you and it has helped me so much. In fact I wouldn’t have known what to do if I hadn’t found this site.
You could set up an area of your house as a memorial place for your mum. That’s what I have done Its just on a cabinet in my lounge. I have a photo of my mum, flowers that I change often, a heart ornament, a candle and a cross. I actually kiss the photo every morning and talk to it. It helps me keep sane to be honest and it’s a private time with just mum and I.
When someone on here suggested it to me I thought it was mad but gosh was I wrong. It has helped me so much.
I am trying to cope without my mum but it will never be the same as we did everything together. I realise I have to start a new life now and even though I don’t want to I have no choice.
I keep telling myself mum is with me but not in person. It’s the only thing that keeps me going
I will check in on you tom ok love
Keep going and keep in touch
Deborah x

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Hi, i am sorry for the loss of your mum. Its been over 2 years for me
Like you i kerp much to myself because i think others will be bored by my ongoing grief struggles and i have family who i feel have been able to deal with it better. I just want to say i hear you and relate. Everyones relationship with there parent is different, but have you tried journalling your thoughts. I fjnd it useful and i talk right to myself as if it was mum sonetimes writing back to me.
My mum does have a grave but i have a specific candle i light when wanting to think about her. I also sit through old ohotos. I hope you can fiind something to sit/be with mum xx

Hi
I have made an area in my lounge to remember mum with photos flowers candles and I talk daily to her photo as it helps me so much.ahaventvgot a grave yet as I still have her ashes…
Thinking of you
Deborah x

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That sounds lovely. She would like that too x

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Hiya
Try to create a special place in your home for your mum. I am sure it will help you.Even buy her favourite plant or flowers. My mum just loved wild flowers so I bought a few packets of wildflower seeds and scattered gem in a border in front of my lounge My mum loved poppies so I hope some grow.
I miss her so much .
I hope you set up something so that it helps you
Deborah x

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