Still unreal

I am still struggling to accept the loss of my husband who died in February. Although he had cancer 3 times he seemed to survive it every time. He had so many operations but was so strong. The last 2 years he refused any more treatments and wouldn’t go to see GP even though he kept getting tummy pains. I put it down to all the operations he’d had. I got frustrated sometimes as I thought GP could help. In February I made him see GP as he was barely drinking anything and I thought he had infection which could be cured. In the end he went for my sake. GP sent him to hospital and 6 days later he died. It was all unreal and I just wished I hadn’t taken him. We didn’t get a chance to accept any of it or say goodbye. I feel so unhappy without him as he was my rock. Does it ever get better?

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Did you lose your husband too? If so how long ago? It is just so hard to accept you will never see each other again. He is all around the house. I see him sitting in his chair at night and standing over the cooker in his apron. He loved to cook and was always so jolly. Although it is nearly 10 months now it still seems like only yesterday. I still keep going over the last week in the hospital :cry:. I know what you mean re friends, they seem to think you are ok and never really mention it these days. I feel like shouting out how sad I feel but still put in the smiley face when I am with people.

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Hello @Moon I am only 7 weeks in to this horrendous new shattered life. My husband died of a heart attack in October.

I will be reading this thread with interest because I didn’t have any hope, then this week I started to get a few bits here and there but I still don’t really know why I have hope because I will never have him again so what else is there to hope for… I don’t know… my entire personality and interests were built around him. Nothing is fun or interesting anymore.

I’m glad you found us, I will be reading and I hope some others who have been on here longer can offer you some comfort, It sounds like you did everything you could for your husband, even if you wish you hadn’t taken him to the GP/Hospital if you hadn’t have done would you then have thought you should have… (as I do with my husband). It’s all so difficult I know… I have lots of guilt and what-ifs. I barely have my sanity anymore after only 7wks so it is hard for me to imagine how it is for you others who have lived with this longer.

I hope some peace for you and I’ll be reading, take care x

Gosh seven weeks is so raw. I am nearly 10 months and feel I should be feeling better but I am not really. Yes I can carry on and do all the normal things, hobbies not the same any more. He was my encouragement in everything I did. I we were both quite happy just with each other. I think my friends all think I am getting on with it now, they have no idea that once your heart is broken you don’t just get over it. It is so lonely now.

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I feel for you and everyone on this site . Losing your soulmate is the worse thing ever . My hubby died Sept 2019 and in small ways things do get easier . However I don’t always put on a brave face especially with close friends and family . I talk about him most days and so do they . How can you spend the majority of your life with someone and then ‘ get over’ losing them !
I still go over the weeks and months of his illness . I think the one positive thing that has changed is I am starting to remember the good times now and allowing myself to talk about them too . During lockdown I talk on the phone a lot !! I haven’t yet been able to sort out any of his things as family not been able to visit properly . In a way I think a lot of us have put our grief on hold !
I light candles every evening now as dark nights are hard when you are by yourself . The candles and Christmas lights lift my spirits so have gone a bit mad this year . Also done Christmas cards which I couldn’t face last year . So as I said some things get better and easier . However we won’t ever get over this loss as it is part of us now until we pass on too . Happy Christmas to each of you as we journey forward with God on our side always .

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Thank you for your kind words. I think maybe you are right about putting the grief to one side. I said the same to my friend yesterday. Every time I think about anything that upsets me I push it away and keep busy. I am doing so many walks. I cannot get my head around the fact that he has gone forever and daily life is so weird nothing really feels real? So many things I wish I had said and done. I think I never allowed myself to believe he was so ill till the last few days. Everything around the house is a reminder, I cannot move anything of his, how can you clear a person from your home? He was such a big personality, he filled a room wherever he went and everyone who met him loved him. Keep yourself safe.

Walking is good . I walk a lot too ! In September his anniversary month I walked 11000 steps per day for prostate cancer uk . My
Husband died of prostate cancer and 11000 men die each day in the UK from prostate cancer ! That is too many and young men in their 40’s and 50’s included . That could be any of our sons !! I do enjoy walking if the weather is fine and usually meet a friend as we are allowed outside ! Take care x

Yes it is so lonely and life seems to have no point any more. Guess it is harder now as we can’t arrange much at all. We were together for 27 years but friends for 30 years so its a large hole to fill like you it must be even worse. Sending love and hugs :heart:

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My beautiful husband killed himself on Tuesday!! I am beyond grief!! The only thing stopping me doing the same thing is our 12 year old son!! There was no note no indication that he would do this!! The only thing in my mind is Why!!! God somebody please tell me this pain will at the very least stop hurting so much!! I feel my heart has been ripped out!! He was 39 :broken_heart::broken_heart:

Gosh my heart goes out to you! Just keep going one day at a time. Good you have your son to look after. Nothing I can say but give you a hug and send you love :heart:

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@Vick I’m really sorry that your husband has died. Life is so unfair. I hope you can find the strength to get through the next few days and weeks, your son will desperately need his Mum to help him deal with his grief.
Take care of yourself

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@Vick please stay with us and keep talking if you feel like it or just read until you do. I am glad you found us but sorry you are eligible to be here…

Beyond grief sounds fair enough to me… what a truly monstrous situation for you. I can’t tell you it will stop hurting but maybe we can find ways to live around this pain… nothing can be the same again though. You and your son are priority now, if you can manage to do the basic things (eat, hydrate, rest if not sleep, keep breathing) during the hours you are feeling less bad then that is enough for now. Please take care, there will be a lot of extra death-sh!t paperwork and stuff to deal with now too at this worst time in addition to the main problem of losing your love and this site can help you with that. Accept any help you are offered from people in your real life if you can too but nothing can help (so far for me at least) with the main problem… it’s just super-sh!t and I am sorry.

Thank you all for your words!! I just think that I have loads of support but because of our age all our family and friends are youngish and not lost a partner. I just want to know there are people out there that are or have been in this situation!! It’s the worse pain I have ever felt!! I feel someone has ripped my heart out!! I just want him home!!! But thank you I have got comfort today reading all your replies :broken_heart:

I know what you mean Vick. I turned 40 a few months ago. Life begins at 40 the cards said but instead it looks like it ended. I don’t know other people who have lost a partner my age and my friends are flippant about it, especially if they didn’t find “the one” yet they just tell me i was lucky to have him for the 15 years of marriage I did unlike them and even worse that “there are plenty more fish in the sea” as if this is a break-up because that are what they are used to talking about.

I only have very superficial conversations with real life people in general and they already don’t want to mention my husband.

I know they mean well but it makes me retreat. They don’t owe me anything though I know as I hardly went out/socialised except for with my husband, he was my full life so it’s my own fault i have nothing left now he’s gone.

I know how it is to have loads of support but still be so lonely… I know we should feel lucky as we are not an elderly lady on our own day in day out with no one (I don’t know how they cope at all), they are a lot stronger than the snivelling brat i have found myself out to be) but sometimes i also get really peeved with my support and want some space or for them stop trying to cheer me up relentlessly as if i can be distracted… though i know we are lucky to have them and it feels very spoilt to think like that… nothing is right… nothing matters either. I’m surprised I survived 7 weeks to be honest. I hope you can keep going too hour by hour concentrating on those little tasks to keep you and your son alive for now since for all we know there are some things we don’t know and it maybe gets better, It’s hard to imagine though. Love to you from a fellow broken-heart.

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Thank you for posting this!! Yes I’m just sat on the sofa relaxing I feel mentally drained. My son has a friend round so I’m happy he’s a popular boy as was his father showered with love!!!

We too were married 15 years!! I seems surreal tbh!! Like I’m in this nightmare!! I have to be ok for my son otherwise I wouldn’t be here!!

I am so so sorry for your loss!! I just plan on making my boys life a happy life which his dad would have wanted!!

It’s nice to speak on here even though we are all strangers we all have one connection a loss!!

You look after you and we are all in together :broken_heart:

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Hi Vick, I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. It sounds as though things are very tough at the moment and you are feeling overwhelmed.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here, and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

I would urge you to seek out some professional support too. Sue Ryder offers a free online bereavement counselling service. Sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

Another good place to get support for people in your situation is SOBS (Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide) http://uk-sobs.org.uk/ 0300 111 5065

Take care

Mick
Online Community team

Thank you mick I will do all those things in time!! Just nice to talk to people that don’t know Lee!! Xx

@Vick I’m glad your son is still socialising, I hope it will help him a bit.

Surreal is the word, I just cannot believe it. Have to keep reminding myself to just think the next hour, minute or breath to avoid complete meltdown. I don’t know how to do this though and that is wearing thin with everyone around me that I am so negative still after almost 8 weeks.

I loved him all in, I didn’t save anything for myself and had no life outside him.

I tried to register for the counselling but there is a waiting list so if you’d like it then please register asap (I didn’t in the end as I couldn’t fathom how to do the waiting list and maybe I can get some through work instead and save the place for someone else anyway).

Take care x

Dear Moon, it is still very early days for you, not even a year. I am in my 17 th month and it is still raw and desolate.
Sending much love and hugs, Barbara x

Hi Barbara. Some days I think I am not bad then days like today it just hits me again. I miss him so much. I just wish I could have one more day with him. Such a horrible feeling. Sending you love and hugs xx

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