Struggling over loss of mum

I lost my mum in March this year, we were very close and 4 months on i still feel so heartbroken. I think for the first few months I was in shock and actually felt numb for a while. I have a husband and 4 boys the youngest is just 3 years old, I work 3 days a week and have quite a busy life so just try to get on with things but just lately I’ve found myself feeling more and more down and tearful and missing my mum terribly. I find it hard to visit her memorial stone to put flowers unless my brother or stepdad will come with me, i have not been to her house since Mother’s Day as I can’t bear the feelings I feel about her not being there. I decided to join this group hoping for a little support from people who might know how I feel. My family are great and I know they are there for me. I have 2 brothers and my stepdad who also miss my mum terribly but I still feel so alone. I also suffer from anxiety which doesn’t help how I feel sometimes.

Hello Louise,

You are not alone, there are so many of us on here who have recently lost our Mums. It is just so drreadful and hard to bear. I am sure you have been and are still in shock over what has happened.

It is very hard when you have a young family and job to find time for yourself as well. Please do though, even a few minutes just to spoil yourself. A little treat to look forward to. Tell your family it is your ‘Mum Time’. Time for you to just be whatever you want and whoever you want. Even if you just sit and have a cup of tea and relax, it will help your anxiety.

Keep coming back to this forum. I am sure others will come on and respond as well. I have found the support I get so wonderful. A year on and I still come back for comfort every so often.

Mel

1 Like

Hi Mel

Thank you so much for your kind words and support it means a lot. I just feel so broken with it all at the moment. Your right I do need to take some time for myself. It’s strange because up until this last few weeks I’ve had times where I’ve felt so upset but unable to cry but this week I’ve not stopped crying. I suppose I’m fortunate to have got to 43 years without losing anybody that was so massively close to me. My mum was 64 when she passed away but I know that’s irrelevant really as it doesn’t matter I would have been just as heartbroken if she was 100. This seems a lovely forum hopefully I can make some friends with people going through similar.

Thanks again,

Louise

Hi Louise

How are you doing? My Dad was 63 when he passed away so I know it feels extra rubbish when they go at a younger age. My Mum was in her 90s and had many years without Dad. I just hope I was able to give her company and friendship for those years. I certainly valued both with her.

I have been told crying is good as it relieves tension so don’t worry if you need to cry. That is what ‘Mum Time’ is for. Obviously also for doing something nicer if that is what you want to do.

Mel

Hi Mel

I feel a little less anxious today but feel like I could burst in to tears at the slightest thing. Thanks for asking, how are you doing? I’m sorry to hear you lost your dad so many years ago that must of been very hard and now your mum. I’m sure you must have given your mum a lot of comfort the years since your dad passed. My mum was ill for a few years with lung disease and for a few months before she passed away I gave up my job to be her carer as my stepdad still had to work to pay their bills, I know she loved me arriving everyday at her house as she was so isolated in her bedroom on oxygen. I’m so glad I got that time with her I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s nice chatting to you I know you know how I feel and I don’t feel so alone. Thank you.

Louise

Hi Louise

I agree with you about the special time with your Mum. It is so hard to see them ill and become so helpless but yes it is something you will never get back.

I was my Mums unofficial career for a few years and then when we were told she was terminally ill obviously it became more official giving up work and looking after her. Although those weeks were very painful I am so glad I gave her what she wanted which was to be in her own home. Complete role reversal when she became helpless and needed feeding etc. I was told it would be hard but certainly didn’t realise quite so hard.

I can largely block out the more awful parts of her illness, had terrible flashbacks at first but have ‘trained’ myself not to dwell on that side of things. Someone on here suggested countering the awful memories with several lovely ones and that is what I try to do, not always successfully.

My Dad died when I was in my 30s. I thought my world had ended but it didn’t, I am still here 25 years later. I didn’t want to live anymore after losing Mum last year but again I am still here. Somehow I keep going taking each day as it comes. A friend sent me a painting when Mum was ill as a talisman to look at and remember things would not always be so grim. I tell myself that though is hard to be lived at times.

Mel

Hi Mel

You sound just like me with my mum, it’s hard when you have had such a close relationship and I was same as you I struggled abit with the awful memories of her being so ill at times. I know what you mean about complete role reversal I was dressing and bathing my mum and practically doing everything for her it was so sad. I like to think my mum is looking down and watching over now I hope she would be proud.

You have coped with so much, to lose your dad when you were so young and then eventually losing your mum. You should be proud of yourself. I only really had a mum that I was close to, my dad left when I was 3 and my stepdad had only been with my mum since I was 23 so it was really just me and my mum.

I’ve had my brother and his family over tonight and that has cheered me up abit. I find I feel a lot worse when I’m alone with my thoughts. Do you have much support or much family around you? Sorry to hear you didn’t feel like living after you lost your mum, I hope things have improved now for you, you have got this far so that’s something!

Louise

Hi Louise & Mel

I’m so sorry for you both losing your Mum’s and what you’ve been through. How are you both doing? I hope you’re both ok.

It’s 4 weeks tomorrow since I lost my Mum suddenly. I’m still struggling each day and the tears keep falling. I miss her so so much. I am trying to spend time with family and friends but I just feel so sad all of the time. Mum was my best friend, we spoke daily and saw each other every week, often more than once. My Dad left when I was 10 so she was my whole parent… she was always there. Life without her is horrible.

People keep saying it gets easier but I just cannot see it at the moment. It just hurts all of the time.

Sending hugs to you both

Wendy

I am so sorry for all your losses.

1 Like

Hi Wendy

So sorry to hear about your mum. It’s good you are trying to spend time with family and friends as I think that helps rather than shutting yourself away. Like you my mum was my whole parent really so I know how you feel, she had been with her husband for the last 20 years but my real dad left when I was 3. My mum even walked me down the isle when I got married as I didn’t have a father daughter relationship as such.

I found coming on here helped me abit, chatting to other people going through similar where we can all support each other really helps and makes you feel less alone. Feel free to message anytime.

Although I still miss my mum terribly I do have some days better than others.

Sending hugs back to you.

Louise

Hi Louise, thanks for replying. I’m still struggling on a daily basis, just cannot seem to stop crying. How are you? Hope you had a nice weekend?

I had a tough one, I had been to view a new car for Mum, she struggled to get in my Audi A3 bless her. We rented a Focus in Ireland last year and she liked that and was so much easier with the 4 doors and higher seats so I put a deposit on one the Saturday she was poorly and went into hospital never thinking what could be the outcome…

I was so torn as to whether to go ahead with buying it after we lost her but she had told my Aunt she was going to help me buy it and wanted me to have it and my friends and family convinced me I should still get it. It was the hardest thing, I held it together whilst doing the paperwork etc but once I got out to the road to drive it away I broke down, was just so hard. I just know she’d have loved going for days out with us to different places sitting in the back looking out the window. It kills me she never will, she loved life, she was such a good person. Why is life so unfair?

It’s lovely your Mum gave you away, I never made it up the aisle but had I done I think I might have done the same. Mum’s are so precious. We were so close, I hate life without her:(

I’m heading to a spiritual night with a friend over in Bulphan this evening. The woman at Cruise Bereavement told me about it. I have no idea what to expect but for £4 it’s unlimited tea & cake so at least we can get a sugar fix:) I just feel it might be good to be around people.

Wishing you as good a day as is possible

Much love

Wendy

Hi Wendy

How are you doing? Sorry to hear what a tough weekend you had. I totally get it with the car and I think your family were right for you to still go ahead. Your relationship with your mum sounds so similar to mine and my mum. My mum also struggled to get in my car its a sports bmw and the seats are abit low so when I became her carer last December we were arranging insurance for me to drive a minibus type of van that we could also put her mobility scooter in the back. We were so looking forward to lots of days out in the summer and had lots of plans. My mum loved spending time with us all and I hated seeing her so trapped in the house. She had perked up and become so happy when I was caring for her it does definitely make me feel happier that she was not as miserable those last few months and she had hope even though non of us were to know that she didn’t have very long.
I can definitely say even though I miss her terribly and still struggle some days that I also do have some better days, its now 5 months since we lost her.
There is a poem I keep in my bedside drawer it was a poem we had read at the service at her funeral, its called She is gone by David Harkins I find it helps when I’m really feeling down.

How did you get on at the spiritual night did it help you at all?

Wishing you a good a day as possible too.

Take care

Louise

Hi Louise and Wendy

How are you both getting on? Mums and cars! My Mum was driving still at 90 and only gave up due to Macular degeneration. She was livid as she loved driving but made the decision herself, Walked in one day and said she didn’t want to do it any more as she didn’t feel safe doing so. The car sat outside our house for months as she liked knowing it was there. She was very upset when it was finally taken away. I don’t drive but we have a wonderful volunteer network locally who drive people to hospital appointments. Mum made lots of new friends that way.

How was the spiritual evening Wendy? Tea and lots of cakes sounds good to me and all for £4.

Mel

Hi Mel

I’m not too bad today thanks, how are you?
I felt a little upset earlier today when my 3yr old asked me to take him to see his nana, he doesn’t understand where she has gone and it’s difficult to explain to him.

That’s marvellous that your mum was still driving for so long! Good on her! That’s good you had a good network of friends around you too.
My mum lost alot of her independence when she stopped driving and then stopped going out alone eventually which made her very sad, she actually used to be a manageress of residential care homes before her illness so was a very independent person too.

I found a lot of my mums friends deserted her when she became practically housebound and that made me sad as she spent her life helping other people and did a lot for charity work aswell.

Hope you have as best day as can be Mel, and Wendy too!

Take care

Louise

Hi Louise,

That was rotten for your Mum her friends not coming to see her. My Mum had two very good friends she used to meet every week for coffee at one of their houses. Mum used to get a taxi and pick up one on the way to the others and it worked well until one became ill and rather reclusive. The other was a great support to Mum and used to come and see her at home when she was ill. Mum loved it and her face would light up when the friend arrived. Sadly the other lady died a month after Mum so I had another funeral to attend very quickly. I didn’t think I would cope with going but it was important to me to go and represent Mum. I like to think they are together, drinking coffee (or something stronger) and gossiping together.

I don’t think people realise how difficult it is for independant people to lose that. Mum’s sister was very unkind and told her to just put up with not driving anymore which hurt Mum a lot. My Mum was involved in several local amenity groups ad I got a lot of support from them afterwards and still hear from people regularly.

Hope your weekend went well and yours too Wendy.

Mel

Hi Louise & Mel

Hope you’re both well and had a nice weekend?

I had a fairly nice weekend but also hard as we went to Halstead to see my aunt & uncle yesterday with our friend for dinner. Something Mum would have loved to have done with us as it was pretty much all of her favourite people there. When we sat down to eat at the pub the empty space at the table was just all too much and I fell apart again. I’d also bought our friend a beautiful double photo frame for her birthday and put photos in of us and Mum so there were more tears when she opened that!!! I’ve pretty much given up wearing eye make up now!

This Friday is my birthday and I’ve no idea how I’ll even get through it. Mum always called in the morning and sang a silly happy birthday to me which I loved and always a lovely card. We had plans to go out for lunch over to a beautiful place in Shoreham in Kent which we always enjoyed going to but I can’t face that now. I’ve decided to drive to Dovercourt where we used to go on holiday as kids with my brother and mum’s sister instead, we have wonderful memories there. No doubt we’ll all be a friggin mess :frowning:

Lou, like you we had so many things planned for this summer with the new car. I was dropping to a 3 day week and was planning visits to Wales, the Lake District, Cornwall and the ferry to Ireland were Mum well enough. Trips to Lincoln to see family too, just wanted to do as many happy things as possible. My Mum never learned to drive, we struggled financially when my Dad left so it was always the buses for us until I learnt to drive. She continued with the buses and made full use of her freedom pass but around Feb/March even that became too much. Not wanting her to miss out I signed her up for Dial A Ride which she used to go out to her knitting club and to go shopping when I was at work.

Unfortunately the 4 infections she got last winter did so much damage to her lungs that in the final weeks she was literally a prisoner in her house unless I took her out, unable to get up the stairs anymore, using a commode and sleeping in her recliner downstairs. Not the way my Mum wanted to live at all. I actually discovered 9 years worth of diaries she kept in her bedroom upon clearing out the house, a true gift and upon reading them I can see she was out and about every single day no matter what the weather. She never sat still and she told my aunt a couple of months ago she’d had enough of life with the struggles fibrosis had left her with:( She never told me this as I always talked positively to her and never entertained the possibility of her ever leaving us, I wish she had but I expect she knew what my reaction would be.

The spiritualist night was interesting, it was so busy I was surprised, the tea & cake wasn’t bad either:) I went with my friend Gemma who lost her Mum two years ago and the platform medium who was pretty good and actually quite funny spoke to her briefly, but I guess it was too soon for me. We are going back again next week though to have another whirl, if anything the place was nice and friendly with a good vibe and you know the people there are dealing with loss too.

We’ve had the call from the funeral parlour to say Mum is ready to be collected. That was a week ago and I still haven’t had the strength to go get her. The thought of it just upset me so much. Did either of you struggle with this? Mum told me she wanted to go home to Ireland to be with her brother so I have to man up eventually to honour her wish but for now it just feels so raw:(

Sorry this is such a long message, honestly I start typing and I could go on forever… enjoy the rest of your Monday :slight_smile:

Much love xxx

Hi wendy

Sorry only just replied had an awful week stress wise, I’m struggling with sleep issues at the moment, if I get woken by anything in the night eg, noises outside or my little boy then I struggle to get back to sleep then I’m shattered for work the next day and its just a vicious circle then. Thankfully I had a slightly better night last night after nearly two weeks of only getting between 3-5 hours a night.
Am glad your weekend was mostly okay.
Can not believe how much your relationship with your mum and her illness and everything is so similar to mine.

Hope you are feeling okay I know how hard it is around birthdays and special occasions. My birthday was in June and it never occurred to me that I would feel upset. I knew my mums birthday which isn’t until November would upset me but my mum sounds very similar to yours. She used to phone singing happy birthday in a daft voice, she would mither for days about when to drop presents off, she would buy loads of daft wrap ups aswell stuff you didn’t even want but I really missed that this year. All I can say is try to be kind to yourself, treat yourself and have the best day you can because you wont always feel as bad. I miss my mum terribly but somehow I do actually have better days that I can smile, carry on and do things I enjoy and I know that would make my mum happy.
Today I went to put flowers for my mum in the memorial garden. It is the first time I have been alone since she passed away. Well I had my young son with me but that is still a big step for me as I have been so overcome with grief I have always had someone take me. I have yet to go to her house though. That’s a difficult on efor me. My mums husband has kept it almost like my mum is still there and when I went round at Mothers days I felt so distraught I haven’t been back since. I realise we all grieve differently, whereas my mums husband likes to be constantly reminded of everything about my mum all it does to me emphasise the big loss I feel.

Regarding collecting your mums ashes have you been yet? I know how upset you feel, we had a little service in the church garden with my mums, I found that upsetting didn’t help matters that the funeral directors messed up and forgot to deliver them to the church beforehand it was a Sunday so we all had to wait around for two hours while somebody sorted it out. I’m sure you will manage to carry out your mums wishes though somehow we do manage to get through all this. Is there somebody that will travel with you to Ireland so your not going through that alone?

Hope you are feeling the best you can and best wishes for your birthday tomorrow.

Take care

Louise

Hi I lost my Mum nearly 7 years ago to cancer and I am sure the 1st year I was in a daze, I was heartbroken but i can only tell you it does get easier, I didn’t believe people but it really does, just taker 1 day at a time and look after yourself x

Hi deb

Thank you for the message of support that means a lot. It’s good to hear that things did get easier for you, I’m now 5 months on from losing my mum. I felt like I was numb for the first few months like it didn’t hit me the hardest until around may/June. I know I’ve a way to go but it helps to know life will get better. Thanks again.

Louise

1 Like

Hi Louise

Sorry for the late reply, it’s been a highly emotional week:(

How are you doing? Hope you’re getting on ok and are sleeping a little better? Sleep deprivation is the worst, I struggle to function if I don’t get 6 hours. Hope that has improved a bit now.

Well I just about managed to get through my birthday but it was tough. The weather was beautiful, the sun shone and I set off around 10:00 collecting my brother and our friend (and Mum’s neighbour) on the way. That was really hard as it’s opposite Mum’s house and we had given the keys back the day before as well as collect her ashes (my brother went in, I had to stay in the car), to top that it was Mum’s wedding anniversary on Weds so to say I could’ve filled a bucket with tears last week wouldn’t really be an understatement. :frowning:

We drove to Halstead to collect my Aunt and then onto Dovercourt. We had lunch at Harwich pier and then drove down to the cafe on the seafront for tea & cake. Then we did the long walk along the seafront to the caravan park we used to stay in and walked back through that and out along the main road. Such amazing memories with Mum there and I’m not gonna lie I shed quite a few tears wishing she was there with us and hating her disease and how it had robbed her from us. She would’ve so loved the day there with all of her favourite people, just so bloody unfair:( We finished off with fish & chips so a totally unhealthy day.

It does sound like our Mums were very similar, did your Mum talk for England too? Mine did, actually my Mum talked for Ireland, Scotland & Wales as well:) She’d always tell us the same stories over and over too, I used to say yeah yeah mum we know we know but I’d give anything to hear another one now. She loved Christmas, birthdays, anything fun. Always asking me what she should buy people, always putting others first. She did silly presents as did we, my brother always bought her packets of jelly and wrapped them up as there was always loads in the cupboard when we were kids. We all laughed so much when she opened them all :slight_smile:

Back to top