Struggling over loss of mum

Coping with bereavement
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Cont… I understand about the house. It is so hard. I hate that we had to give hers back so quickly. I used to take comfort in going there and sitting in her chair and reading her diaries. I can’t say I would’ve wanted to keep it forever but after 28 years there it had always felt like ours/Mum’s. Giving it back so soon just tore me apart. My brother is dealing with his grief very differently and was keen to give it back quickly. He didn’t go say goodbye to Mum at hospital after she went either nor saw her in the chapel of rest as he just wanted to remember her as she was. I had to say goodbye though, I just couldn’t not kiss her goodbye. It was honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Her ashes are now home with me although I couldn’t find the strength to bring them in and she spent two nights in the boot of the car (sorry Mum) :frowning: Our friend brought her in on Saturday at the same time I got a beautiful summer bouquet of flowers delivered from some friends who just found out my news. The flowers are with her in my spare room, she adored flowers and her gardening so for as long as she’s here I will keep fresh flowers with her. We will go to Ireland eventually as that was her wish but that’s a little way off yet as just functioning on a daily basis is a task in itself.

Another long one I know, so long I had to send it in two parts!!! Sorry!

Hope you’ve had a good week/weekend and are managing to enjoy a little of our versatile summer.

Take good care

Much love

Wendy

Mel, hope you’re doing well too. Xxxx

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Hi Wendy and Louise

Hope you are both doing OK.

Wendy I smiled so much at your post, your Mum sounds so lovely and you sound as if you all were good pals and had fun together. The jelly story is great and those are the sorts of memories I think are so important to remember.

My Mum loved flowers and her garden so much too. I make sure there are always fresh flowers in the house to remind me of her.

Mum loved holidays abroad and was most frustrated when she couldn’t travel anymore, insurance premiums going through the roof once she was 75. I used to travel for my job and always brought back silly little things for her and made up a stocking of them at Christmas. She used to sit laughing at the pencils, fridge magnets and other nonsense. Topped off by a bag of mini Twixes as they were her favourites,

Collecting ashes is a big one isn’t it? I didn’t think I would cope with it but one day just thought today is the day, rang the undertaker and walked up to get them. It was a rainy day and I was so frightened the box would go soggy and fall to bits. I walked home through a nearby park Mum loved so she had a last walk there. That was nearly a year ago and haven’t had them interred yet. They were in the bedroom with me at Mum’s house and have travelled to my new house with me. I get comfort from knowing Mum is near and just feel it will be so final when they go and join my Dad in the garden of rememberance at our church.

Moving house has done me so much good. I feel much more at peace away from the scene of Mum’s illness and final passing. I know I have some hard times ahead but feel I can cope a bit better now.

A long post from me too!
Mel

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Hi Mel & Louise

How are you both doing? Ok I hope?

Sorry for the late reply, I’ve been spending the last week up in Lincoln with my brother and cousin. It’s been nice out here in the countryside, we’ve been keeping busy going out to different places each day but everywhere we have been Mum would’ve loved so it’s also been difficult not having her with us and I am still crying every day:(

I think I might be with you on the ashes side of things Mel, I’m definitely not ready to make the trip to Ireland yet and don’t think I will be for a long time. I know for now I need to have her close to me and I hope Mum would be ok with that.

Your Mum sounds lovely, my mum loved her holidays as well. She’d go to Ireland and on coach holidays all over the UK with her friends as well as away with me although I so wish we had done it more, I am kicking myself now. I always bought my Mum fridge magnets too, I think she had one from every single holiday I ever went on. I went away quite a bit so her fridge and freezer were literally covered:) I now have those back so at some point I will need to get one of those big magnetic boards and put them on that up on a wall somewhere. I have all of her photos too as she always had family collages up so they will need a place to live too.

Oh what I wouldn’t give to have her back for one of our long chats, waking up each day and remembering again that I can’t see her, talk to her or hug her just hurts so so much. I just so want to make her a cup of tea:(

We are heading home tomorrow but I will be going back to the doctor on Tuesday as I’m nowhere near ready to go back to work yet. I hate the way they pressured me to return when Mum was sick causing me to miss out on precious time with her which I can never get back. They can go do one.

I will say goodbye for now as my brother is just putting on a film for us to watch and I missed most of the last one typing this:)

Take good care both of you

Lots of love

Wendy Xxx

Ps. Just to add I went for a reading just over a week ago and Mum actually came through which amazed me. There’s absolutely no way the medium could’ve known what she told me, I played it back to my brother and cousin and they believe it was her too. It comforted me a little but still doesn’t take away the pain of her not being here:(

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Dear Louise,

Thanks you for sharing your pain and your experience. My Mum died in February, six and a half months ago, and it is still intensely painful. It’s very hard to come to terms with. She was my best friend, a place we arrived at after decades of fraught mother/son struggle. I feel very alone now. I can feel myself gradually getting used to her non-existence but the pain of missing her is still just as acute. My heart goes out to everyone suffering from the death of someone they love. Bless you.

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My name is Neil, BTW.

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Hi I lost my mom in may just gone ,and it is hard and a very lonely time ,I’ve 7 children and a good family,but the longing for my mom has been ongoing,I also suffer from anxiety,I went to the doctors and he has given me tablets,which I’ll take to help me ,but this site does help cause it just lets you know your not alone ,take care of yourself thoughts with you .

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Hi Neil

Thanks for your message, I hope you are doing as well as can be. Sorry for delay in replying I have been on holiday. My mum was also my best friend so I know how you feel hopefully we can gain some strength from helping each other.

take care

Louise

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Hi Laura
Sorry only just replied as ive been away, thank you for your message. I also suffer from anxiety and have done for most of my life which I know can also be aggravated by stress/grief etc. Hope you are doing okay. Thoughts are with you also.

Take care

Louise

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Hi Wendy & Mel

Sorry not been on for abit hope you are both doing okay. I just got back from a holiday in Spain yesterday its been so manic the last few weeks trying to sort school uniforms sort the kids, packing etc. I enjoyed my holiday although I did find some of it upsetting like no texts to let my mum know we had arrived safe, not being able to phone and tell her we were having a good time. My son started high school today that made me sad that shes not here to see him she would have been so proud they were very close. Other than that I’m just plodding on really the best I can. How are you both doing?
Wendy that’s amazing about the reading you had. I will be going some time to have one done. My mum totally believed in stuff like that and was very spiritual. She knew it freaked me out abit so didn’t go on a lot about it but I know she believed. She also used to make angel keyrings for charity and she used to give them out to people aswell. All the doctors and nurses on the hospital ward were wearing them because she had been in there that often.

Take care both of you

Louise
xx

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Hi Louise and Wendy,

Good to know you have had a holiday Louise, must have done you good. I know how you feel, I travelled a lot with work and always sent Mum a text or two when away to let her know I was alright. She was so proud of being able to use a mobile phone and sent me messages back every time. I miss that a lot and that feeling that no one will really care if I go away or not.

Lovely about your son starting his new school too. Every little thing made our Mums so proud.

I too am thrilled for you Wendy, what an amazing experience. I am too frightened of my emotions to have a reading, maybe one day though.

I have had a sad couple of days as one of Mum’s sisters has died. She was my last surviving Godparent so it is particularly sad. Didn’t hit me for about 24 hours but am feeling pretty low tonight. Memories keep coming back of the two families meeting up and the fun we all had together. I feel so for her sons who sounded shellshocked when I spoke to them.

Mel

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Hi All,

I lost my mum on December 2nd last year. Although her Heath wasn’t the best for years it was still very sudden. As the months go on it just feels like it’s getting harder to cope with. I miss my mum so much. I was still living at home with my parents when she passed away and now things just seem odd without her being there. It doesn’t help that I suffer with depression anyway but I’m just not sure how long I will feel like this and does it get any easier.

Emma

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Hi Emma

I lived at home with my Mum as well and Dad until he passed away over 20 years ago. I can say after Dad it took a long time but yes things did get better. My Mum was a very strong person and this helped me immensely. Don’t try to do too much at once, take each day at a time is all I can say.

Something I found very annoying was people always asked how Mum was and not me after it happened. Only really at work did people understand as they knew me and not Mum. Having said that I do hope your Dad is alright, draw support from each other and talk about your Mum if your Dad will.

You say you suffer from depression so I am hoping you are being looked after by your Doctor as well. Tell them how you are feeling as it is a big thing to be battling with at this time.

I miss my Mum too. Our Mums are very special and often our best friends. You are at the right place on this forum as people understand.

Mel
X

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Hi Mel and Wendy

Thanks for the message Mel, I feel a little better today more than I did earlier in the week, although just bumped into an old friend of mine in the supermarket and we got chatting about my mum so felt abit emotionally drained by the time I got back. Don’t suppose I can go about avoiding talking about it though.

So sorry to hear about your aunt that is so sad your family must be so upset, life can be so cruel. Sending lots of love and am here anytime if you want to message.
I must admit I have been more fearful of losing anyone else since I lost my mum. I don’t think you think about it too much until it happens and then you experience how horrible it is.

Hope Wendy is doing okay?

Hope today is not too bad a day for you both.

Take care

Louise

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Hi Emma81

Sorry to hear about your mum, I lost my mum on the 1st March and we were very close. My mums health was not good also for a few years but it is still a shock when you lose them. My mum had been in and out of hospital many times but they always seemed to get her right so when she deteriorated and sadly passed away it was totally unexpected. I’m sure it must be hard for you aswell due to you still being at home and you still lived with your mum. I had moved out 18 years ago and have a husband and children so that does help distract me sometimes although I feel ive lost my best friend.

I also suffer with anxiety, as did my mum also and I know that is not helpful the same as depression when your so distraught its just an added stress. Ive found keeping busy helps.

Hopefully you will find some support from this forum there are so many caring people on here that want to help each other through this tough time.

Take care

Louise

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Hi Louise & Mel

Hope you’re both doing ok?

Mel I’m so sorry for the loss of your aunt, must be so tough so soon after your Mum. Sending hugs. Xx

Louise, I know what you mean about bumping into friends and having to talk about it. I’m still shutting myself away and hardly socialising, I just cannot face it or the conversations I’ll have to have when I do. It’s like picking a scab off a wound each time, just too painful.

Sorry I’ve been absent for a while, it’s been a pretty tough week or so (not that the ones before weren’t either) so have been struggling somewhat:(

I just can’t get away from my sadness, each day I wake and my first thought is of Mum and the realisation that she’s gone and the pain hits me again. It’s like Groundhog Day, I swear or at least Groundhog Morning and the tears always come. I have been trying to do something with my garden as I’ve inherited Mum’s favourite plants and want them to have somewhere decent to live. Until now I’d been so busy with life and looking after her I had let it go to pot so last week I pressure washed it all and bought some new shrubs and a beautiful yellow rose in memory of Mum.

We went to get it at a garden centre I used to take Mum to as she loved it and I thought I would be ok but it was so so difficult. Mum and I had gone there many times but in 2012 we went to buy roses in memory of my uncle/her brother who we adored. That was bad enough but doing it again now, only for her was much worse. How I got around the place without bawling to this day I just don’t know, I made up for it once I was home though:(

The garden looks much better but my days just feel so empty without Mum. Those chats, the shopping trips, the dinners out, we always did so much and now I feel completely lost. I’m still waiting on bereavement counselling, I spoke to Cruse today and they’ve put me on the waiting list. It’s so difficult to try to get seen, they all keep saying to wait a while. I’ve now left a message with Dove Macmillan so hoping they’ll call back tomorrow.

We finally moved Mum’s things out of storage and into my garage on Saturday (another tough day). I hadn’t seen them in a few weeks but as soon as we opened the doors and I saw all of her things I fell apart again. I miss her so much.

I will have to tell you both more about the reading I went to next time as my eyes are feeling really tired now and yet again I’ve wrote another stupidly long post. Whoops!!! :slight_smile:

Bye for now

Take good care

Night night

Love Wendy. Xx

Thoughts and hugs to the others on this thread too, I did read but I’m so tired I can’t remember the names. Xx

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Hi Wendy and Mel

Sorry to hear you’ve had a particularly tough time at the moment Wendy. It sounds to me as though you are doing all the best things you can to help you through this. The bereavement counselling sounds a good idea ive thought about contacting cruse myself. Last week I felt terrible I had a really bad dip where I felt I was back at square one but somehow just managed to carry on as we do.

I’m sure doing the garden will really help you and that’s good that you’ve managed to push through the sadness and get on with it. That’s lovely that you got a yellow rose in memory of your mum. I planted some pink carnations in my garden after I lost my mum because they were her favourite and I put solar lantern wind chime up, It makes me smile when its chiming away in the breeze.

I bet that was tough moving your mums things out of storage you did amazing even if you did get upset, totally understandable. I still haven’t been back to my mums house since just before mothers day as I was so distraught. I know I have to go back sometime and I will do but have been putting it off.

Take care and I hope you are feeling the best you can and you too Mel.

Bye for now

Louise

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Hi Louise and Wendy,

Hope you both are OK. I went to my aunt’s funeral yesterday which was very sad but her sons’ had chosen lovely readings and poems for the service. Gone From My Sight by Henry Van Dyke was one of them. I am not sure of copyright or would copy it onto this thread. I understand this is a poem often used at funerals but I hadn’t heard it before and really loved it and have thought about it since. If you like poetry google it, it did cheer me up slightly as I imagined myself being the first part of it and my Mum the second.

Getting home earlier today was lovely in some ways, my home so where I feel better but also sad. I walked in knowing there was no one waiting for me to hear how things went.

I hope you both and everyone else has had reasonable days today.

Mel

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Hi Mel & Louise

Hope you’re both doing ok? How’s your week going?

I’m glad you got through the service Mel. I read that poem, it’s lovely and it made me well up reading it but then most things do so no change there.

I’m still struggling, I start counselling tomorrow so hoping that will help. I’ve found most of my friends have stopped messaging/calling now and I’m feeling more alone than ever without Mum. I think they all think I should be snapping out of it and getting back to normal but I don’t think I will ever feel normal again. It’s amazing the comfort she gave me even when I wasn’t with her, just a phone call or text away, instant advice or just a gossip if I needed it. I so took her for granted, oh how I would cherish it now. You really don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone:(

Tonight is the spiritualist night and the medium who’s on does it with flowers. You pick a flower, hold it for about 4 minutes (nobody else can touch it) then they put a raffle ticket on it. He reads from the ones he is drawn to. Should be interesting I guess, At least it gets me out for a few hours. Will let you know what happens.

Have a good evening.

Take good care

Much love

Wendy xxxxx

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Eont

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