Struggling over loss of mum

My mum died yesterday. I was with her as it happened and tried to do my best to support her and show her she’s loved. All I keep picturing is the image of her in her final hours and after her death. I feel comfort in knowing I was there but the pain of seeing her deteriorate and not being able to help was heartbreaking. I still feel numb and almost like this isn’t happening to me.

Oh gosh it’s so raw. My mum died two months ago. And I was with her to right the end too. The images do fade. I don’t think of those last moments as much now and my brain has trouble recalling the last few days. So I think the brain does it’s thing and starts to protect you. A bit like how woman can’t recall the exCt pain of childbirth I can’t recall those last few days exactly. My brain shuts down a bit. The helplessness is heart breaking. I looked into her scared eyes and said I wish I could do something. I wish I could take this away. The whole thing feels like a film I watched. It’s a very traumatic experience and I’m still not even slightly come to terms with it.

I know exactly how you feel. The day before my mum died, I asked her if there was anything I could do for her and her reply was ‘don’t let me die’. I don’t think she fully realised just how serious it was until the day before, although she had the most awful look of terror in her eyes at some points. I did my best to reassure her to stop her from being scared. If I was feeling upset then I went to the toilet to cry as I didn’t want her to see how worried I was about how things were going. This was helpful in some ways but also made it really hard for me to get through it. I am amazed at the kindness you can find in strangers. A couple of hours after my mum died, I went into a cafe and just couldn’t help but cry. I felt like I was in such a daze. Usually I hate crying in public but yesterday I just didn’t care. A lady that worked at the café came over and asked me if I was ok. I told her my mum had just died and she gave me a hug and told me to go and speak to her if I needed anything. That was exactly what I needed in that moment.

Kat86. That’s literally same what happened to me with a lady in the hospital. As I Also didn’t show my emotions in front of mum as I didn’t want her to be afraid. They told her she had terminal cancer on a Saturday. She thought she just had a bad back and a chest infection. As did we. So it knocked us all for 6. That she had metastasised lung cancer. Mum asked me “how long have I got”. I said I don’t know mum let’s just get rid of your chest infection First and get you on some antibiotics then I’ll take you home When you feel a bit better and we will sort everything else out then. I knew she wouldn’t be going home. But I didn’t want her to realise that she was dying as she had a terrible phobia of dying and she looked so terrified. And she was so terrified to hear the C word. She died two days later. Even with just hours to go I refused to cry in front of her even when she was unconscious I just didn’t want her to know she was dying I wanted her to hear laughter and have some hope and i sang her favourite song and made jokes with dad and the nurses. Just anything to take the horror away from her. I hope I did the right thing.

It sounds like you handled that all in the best possible way and I’m sure it made the experience so much less traumatic for your mum than it could have been. I volunteer at a hospice and that means I recognise the signs that death is imminent. I suppose it also means I’m a bit more used to seeing death than a lot of people but nothing can prepare you for seeing your own mum in that situation. I recognised the signs and told my dad a couple of hours before that I thought the end was coming. Half an hour before she died, I noticed a big change in her breathing as it became shallower and told my dad that if he had anything to say then now was the time to say it. I asked him to play her favourite music and told her how much we love her, that my brother was coming (so she knew that even though he wasn’t there right then and that he was coming and loved her) and held her hand. I did feel bad about not having spent as much time with her as I should have done over the last few years. I live in London and she was in Sheffield, so it’s not around the corner but I should have made more effort. I would like to think she knew how much I loved and appreciated her. Have you found anything that helps? I was thinking that I might try writing letters as if I’m sending them to her and maybe also starting a journal.

Kat if you see my other posts you will see I also moved away. Look at my other posts and you will see my story. I hadn’t seen mum as much either. But god I hoped she knew how much I loved her. I told her every day in the hospital. I also told her my brother had been to see her The day before . But he couldn’t handle coming. And she knew he would never have been able to handle it anyway and she never asked for him. Me my husband and my dad sat by her. Played her favourite songs. Dad lent on the hospital bed by accident two minutes before she died and her legs started going up. We all burst out laughing. It was a happy sad atmosphere. Then I told her she could go and have a nice sleep. And off she went. My sweet kind mother who would never hurt a fly.

Ps I send her Facebook messages. The unread messages kill me. But it helps.

I’m sure she knew how much you loved her. It’s what you do in the final days that matter the most and I’m sure your support during that time would have meant the world to her.

That’s a nice idea with the Facebook messages. Facebook was a bit too fancy in terms of technology for my mum but I think I’ll try writing her letters.

I would write her letters. Can you text her. I send mum little updates on Facebook on what’s going on

She didn’t have a mobile phone either. She wasn’t a big fan of technology. I think I’ll try letters and maybe a journal.

Did you find things got any easier after the funeral? It’s all still really fresh for me but I’ve been warned by my uncle that I might feel worse in around a week, once it’s sunk in more. I know though that everybody is unique and people react to things like this and process their emotions differently.

Hi there Kat86 and Jooles45

I started this post originally a few months after my mum passed away and just received notification of your comments.
I just wanted to say its now over 2 and 1/2 years since I lost my mum and I can tell you although I miss her very much and think of her every day, things have improved and I am much better. I think over time we learn to cope and adjust to the loss, so that you can carry on living and having joy still in your life. I see grief really as like a journey and even though I do still have days that I find hard its not as bad as in the beginning if that makes sense. I hope this helps to give you comfort that eventually you will feel better. I remember struggling with memories of my mum suffering at the end but these do fade with time and you remember the good times more. Please feel free to message, I know I clung onto whatever advice anyone could give me when I first lost my mum.

Take care

Louise

Hi Louise,
Thanks for your message. It’s starting to sink in more now. I’ve just been back to the hospital with my dad to collect the paperwork needed to collect the death certificate. It felt so strange to be back there and also to see her cause of death written down in black and white.

I’m glad you’re finding that things have got easier. What I’m dreading the most at the moment is the idea of spending Christmas without her. I don’t have any children but it breaks my heart to think that if I ever do have any, they’ll never get to meet her. :frowning: It might sound strange but one thing that is helping me a bit is knowing that my brother and I are carrying a part of her inside of us and of course we also carry her in our memories. She’s also shaped who we are as people through our upbringing, so I suppose in that sense she’s never really gone.

Kat

Thank you for your lovely words Louise. It’s very raw and painful and I’m dreading Christmas too Kat. Mum used to turn up armed with great big huge gift bags filled with all our presents. Advent calendars every year on 1st December and my favourite chocolates. And she would get the kids opening the presents before I was ready and I would tell her off. I’m absolutely dreading it. And I am the queen of Xmas. It’s my favourite time of year. I start celebrating in November. Lol. Not this year though.

I have to say I’m feeling worse than I did after it first happened as it’s really sinking in now. A month after she first died I think i was in shock and numb

Hi Kat86 and jooles45

It’s totally understand you both dreading Christmas, but you will get through it I promise.
I love Christmas too and so did my mum, she used to buy me something as a main present then loads of daft little wrap ups! I remember dreading the first Christmas without her and on Christmas Eve one of my best friends turned up at my house with a gift bag full of useless wrap ups in place of my mums! I was so overwhelmed when I shut the front door I broke my heart but was so touched by what my friend did. I found that instead of focusing on what I had lost i became more aware of how much I actually had in my life and how many people around that actually care.

I felt my family pull together to help each other through. Everyone is missing that person in their own way but support each other if you can.
Kat you mention being sad about your mum missing out on any children you have and I understand that, my brother has been upset a lot about my mum never knowing or seeing his little girl. I think whatever the situation or milestone we always miss their presence. I know I felt sad a few months after I lost my mum started school and the other one started high school, my mum would have been so proud to see them in their uniforms. The first holiday I had also was hard because I normally would get texts and phone calls from her. I was told the 1st of everything is the hardest and I think this is true!
I had some bereavement counselling aswell I found that helped and coming on here. Always reach out for support and it will help you through.

Thinking of you both

Louise