Struggling to cope

My husband of 30 years died in January. Although he had been ill and undergoing treatment his death was very sudden. I’m struggling with the enormity of it and still can’t believe I will never see him again. I would love to hear from others who have found a way to move forward.

Hi Tracey, your words struggling with the enormity of it will reflect the feelings of so many people on this site. My seemingly strong and fit husband died very suddenly last November and I still struggle every single day to accept that he is never coming back. Five months on outwardly I cope in that I carry out tasks that need doing but in my head I am constantly fighting a rising panic that I can’t face the future. I literally go from day to day and don’t think beyond that. Given that for the first month after my husband died I was barely functioning I have obviously made physical progress but I don’t know how. I longed to die at the beginning but it was thinking of my two sons grief that kept me going somehow. This current crisis has put me right back, as it will have done to so many of us on this site.
Currently I have an ongoing issue with the hospital where my husband died and also probate which has added to my despair but I need to get it sorted to save my sons from the added burden.
None of us really knows how or why we carry on when we lose someone who is our very reason to live. Talking on this site has made me feel I am not alone. I hope it will help you.

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Thank you. I can really identify with fighting a rising panic. I also have to push away my thoughts as it is too hard to think about it all. I worry that I shouldn’t be doing that, but can’t stop myself. It sounds as though you have made progress. This current lockdown has made it all the more surreal.

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Welcome to this amazing site Tracey one that I certainly didn’t think I’d be on it is amazing though everyone of us are going through what you are. The support you get is second to none it’s amazing it’s helping me. I lost my partner 3 weeks ago n it’s s@@@@ it really is xx

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Hi Tracey, so sorry for the loss of your husband.
The shock and numbness of it all just consumes, like you say, we can never believe we’re not going to see them again. I like Jobar, lost my husband five months ago and today the enormity of it hit me again , it still feels like yesterday, it’s a struggle and life will never be the same again.
All we can say is post your feelings on here and chat with people who know how you feel, I always feel a bit better chatting with the lovely people on here, we are in this together, we wish we wasn’t, but without this site I would be lost x

Hi Tracey I am so sorry for your loss wish i could help you but still finding my way through my loss, i lost my husband last july and even just writing those words seems so unreal, I miss him so much, the silent in the house is so loud and i dont know how to cope with it,
I was moving forward i think but now being here all day on my own i need him here,
It’s good to come on here and chat I’m sure someone will help take care one day at a time

Linda

Hi Jobar, every time I read your post, it resonates with me so much, the feelings and thoughts, I think because we are at the same stage in our loss, we feel exactly the same. I’m also going through probate and sorting it out so my daughters won’t have a problem. It’s all put on hold now, feels like it’s never going to be sorted.
Anyway love to you and your family x

I have read that not confronting grief is not a good idea but I have not done so. Today I kept thinking we should have been in Devon where we spent a lot of time. It was such a beautiful day when I went for my permitted walk . While I was walking my heart was breaking thinking about some of the perfect times we had spent there and will never have again. I felt guilty that my husband who loved the outdoors was missing such a beautiful day so I took to doing indoor chores. It made me focus on something practical however pointless!
By reading other people’s posts you will see that everyone has different coping strategies while all suffering overwhelming grief. Some find photos reassuring. I haven’t reached that stage yet as for me it just emphasises what I have lost. Hope you find something that helps.

Hi Steph, I feel the same about your posts. Perhaps it is that we are at the same stage but also you seem to say so much that helps.
We all need so much support during this loneliest of times.
Love to you too and thank you

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Hi Linda, you are so right when you say writing the words your husband has died seems unreal. I feel exactly the same. I talk to my husband saying you can’t be dead you can’t be.
I have no idea when I will really grasp that he is never coming back.

Hi Tracey
I lost my soul mate in December and what I have learned so far is to just be as you are on each day. I cared for him for 3 years during which he suffered so much so bravely. We faced it all head on together as we always had. Our 3 sons and family and friends were fab but it was always me and him against the cancer. Like you when the end came it came quickly and was not a peaceful death. I have felt so useless since - I have lost the sense of purpose I had and the one person who truly ‘got’ me. The lockdown has made me face my grief - my normal way of coping is to stay busy all the time. Having to be alone has taught me I cannot run away from it. Some days I cry a lot others I dance in the kitchen to some of our favourite songs and close my eyes and feel him with me. I think remembering it is ok not to be ok sticks with me. Don’t listen to people - they mean well but only you know how you are on that day - roll with it. I wouldn’t dream of advising you - just listen to your heart. Take care and stay safe xxx

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Hi, sorry to hear of your loss and thank you for your words of support. I do try to focus on the positive and know I am lucky to have known him for 35 years and had such happy times, 3 wonderful children and a beautiful grandson. I am going to try the dancing!

Go for it. It is impossible to stay positive all the time - I have found that out! We got sick to death of people telling us to stay positive when he was ill - we used to look at each other and grit our teeth. So pleased you have family around you my grandchildren bring me joy but I still feel alone in a room full of people - after 40 years I am sure this is normal but just so hard. Keep dancing and remember you are not alone here any time you need to chat xx

Dear Tracey, I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband of 26 years passed away in February. He had been ill for some years but they never said any of it was terminal and when we got that news in January it was a terrible shock. He was home for two weeks then passed away suddenly while sitting in the chair talking on the phone. It was a such a shock. I’m still coping with the total disbelief. You just can’t seem to get your head around it. Someone said to me that it’s like you’re a ship on a rough sea, trying desperately to stay afloat, then every so often a huge wave comes over. Reading the comments from the lovely supportive people on this site really helps: you realise that you’re not going through this alone. I struggle to get through every day but I do have the hope that at some point I will learn to live without him. There’s a reason they’re called your other half - they are, and when you lose them you do feel like you’re ripped in half. I suppose that a wound that deep will take a long time to heal. I wish I could help.

Thank you Lorraine. I am so sorry for your loss, the way your husband passed must have been devastating Your words mean a lot, as do those of others on this site. It is comforting to know that we are not alone. Like you, I also believe I will learn to live without my husband, although things will never be the same again. Some days seem slightly easier than others for some reason.

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