Struggling to cope

I lost my partner of 39 years on 25th November. He had been diagnosed with bile duct cancer and underwent whipple surgery. He spent 7 weeks on intensive care and had beat the cancer. He was moved to a ward to start rehabilitation and then I got a call in the middle of the night to say he had suffered a massive bleed on the brain. He passed away the same day. I really cannot believe after all he went through to then be taken so cruelly.


Dear janner
Im very sorry about your sad loss .To lose your partner suddenly as you did after bravely battling cancer is so unfair and as you say very cruel .
I lost my husband of 43 years In April 2020 He had also battled through cancer and suffered horrible side effects with the treatment ending up in intensive care like your partner He did go into remission but the side effects gave him severe copd He was on oxygen and a ventilator at home but still battled on for 4 years only to catch covid and suddenly die within 48 hours It was such a shame after all his struggling to keep going and I ask myself what was the point of it all ?I don’t have any answers to this life is so unfair but what I do know is that, like my husband ,your partner must have been very brave to go on through all the treatment
I hope that you find some comfort reading through the posts on here as I do Please keep in touch as there’s always someone listening
Take care
Christine xx

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It was such a hard time as he was in hospital for my 60th and he passed away 2 weeks before his 65th birthday. He had been in hospital since 2nd October and I only got to see him a handful of times due to covid regulations but I was not able to hug him. I stay in bed until 12 and go back to bed again at 6 as cannot be on my own in the lounge. I know he would not want me to be like this but its the only way I can deal with it. I don’t even want to go out for fear of seeing people who will mention his passing. I have fibromyalgia and he did everything for me so I really struggling and don’t want to go on anymore I just want to be with him

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Dear janner
I’m sorry to read you’re having a really tough time at the moment
The covid restrictions have made every so much worse .My husband was in a nursing home and I hadn’t been able to see him for 2 months before he died He was taken to hospital and had to die by himself in a room in his own Prior to that when having his cancer treatment he spent his birthday and my birthday in hospital and our ruby wedding anniversary in intensive care Life is unfair I agree
Have you any family or friends you can call on for some support?
Perhaps it might be worth contacting your doctor and letting them know that you’re struggling and ask for help
Sending you hugs please take care and be kind to yourself
Christine xx

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I have some wonderful friends around me who are a great support to me but it doesn’t stop me feeling so lonely as they are all in couples. I am on anti depression tablets already and sleeping tablets along with pain killers. I am trying to be positive about things but then I end up in floods of tears when I realise that it is so real. Sorry to be going on like this
Jan xx


Dear Janner
You have nothing to be sorry about
what your feeling is natural .What could be more natural than our emotions ?Of course you feel sadness despair and loneliness How can you not ?
My last 9 months have been utterly exhausting full of pain and tears I also miss my husband very much I miss his love ,his companionship and I miss sharing my life with the person I love.
I feel overwhelmingly sad and lonely I don’t know how I’ll feel in the future or what the future holds I just keep going from day to day for my husbands sakeas I can’t let him down but as you say it’s hard
Reading through the posts everyone is trying to find their way through the pain of grief It doesn’t change your own situation but it’s comforting to know others can relate to how you are feeling
I hope find this too take care
Christine xx

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Hi @Janner Today marks 10 weeks since my husband died suddenly of a heart attack. I have thought about killing myself every single day since. Some days researching methods, some days writing the note/will to leave, some days getting ready to do it and some days just as a thought in the distance but not feeling I’ll actually do it or knowing today is not the day.

I have sought out counselling, family, this group, all kinds of grief resources and GP. Counsellors (NHS and private) kept telling me they were full but I keep trying when I get the energy, the effort i am going to with this stuff when I really can’t be bothered living indicates to me I must want to live deep down despite that I had so many seriously suicidal thoughts.

We were best friends first and then fell in love. Once moved in together we gradually filtered almost everything else out of our lives except for our home, cats and each other. Not in a creepy way, in fact it was me making myself so dependent, he tried to get me to drive and go to the work xmas party, stay an extra day on work trips to nice places so i could explore and stuff like that but I always felt it was time wasted when away from him. He was my dream come true, I couldn’t believe my luck. I used to wake really early most days because I was so sickeningly happy I couldn’t wait to get up!

We were together 17 years, getting deeper into each other every year, last year was the best because we could work from home and we revelled in our lives together all the time. I am less than half a person without him and still alive now only by default really. I never lived alone before. People tell me I’m young and I’ll find someone else. I won’t because I am his until I die and the thought of anyone else repulses me. He was the one, not just a one. I don’t believe he is here (except in my memories/heart) or that I will be with him again as those are not my beliefs. Don’t have kids. I do have cats and a mum, stepdad and brother though.

Today I got a lot of useful stuff done (mainly trying to find a counsellor, I think I have found one with a free slot but spent another hour on the phone on hold trying to get the authorisation code from my work medical insurance for it, unsuccessfully so far and it lost connection).

I don’t have any good answers as still going through the early part myself but just wanted to say realistic posts like yours are what encourage me to keep reading and posting and make me feel less alone. I hope you make it somehow, I hope that you can get some more happiness back in your life at some point but for now it is a big one to survive another day, even better if you can do one useful thing. That’s enough for now though in my opinion, just to keep breathing despite what you are going through.

I hope you can take something extra with you to make your early bedtime more comfortable today and keep building on that. I am not sure what but maybe you can think of something that you still might like. I also go to bed early often, i started putting lavender oil in a diffuser (I used to do that every night but stopped when he died as all my routines blew away), then an electronic tablet i can watch Netflix on (there are some really good shows on there that deal with grief, I find it much more soothing than regular telly), then wine, my cat. A great suggestion a beautiful friend on here has done is had a teddy bear made of her husband’s clothes. Whatever can give you any small comfort I hope you find it and we just have to hope the feeling becomes more manageable. Take care and I am very sorry for you and your husband to be parted like this, wishing you the best.

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I just read that back and I am sorry I talk about my husband so much instead of yours. I tried to edit it to delete most of it but was too late and the post no longer allows me to after 10 minutes.

I also hate those condescending bits of advice people give us and I am sorry if my post comes across like that a few drops of lavender oil is going to do anything at all to help you. Nothing is going to make it better I know that. It sounds a terrible shock what you have been through when you thought he was recovering and to be called in the middle of the night like you were is very distressing… I can’t imagine what you have been through.

I was trying to let you know that I think you are perfectly entitled to your feelings and to me they sound very reasonable feelings to have in your situation but instead I went on about my own (I do that a lot now…). Sorry and all the best to you.

Do not worry it may have helped you in some small way to get it off your chest. I have had a pillow made from one of his shirts which I spray with his after shave and that gives me some comfort. Please look after yourself
Jan xx

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Hi FleurDeLis,

I’m glad that you’re able to talk about how you’re feeling here, and I hope that you find some comfort in speaking about your loss with people who understand. It’s good to hear that you’ve been trying to reach out for alternative support, and I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been turned away by support services who were already full - that must have been really hard on you.
I just wanted to gently remind you of some other support services you may be able to access when you’re feeling low.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here:

If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,
Online Community Team

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband of 30 years passed away in January. He had bladder cancer in 2007 and made a complete recovery, only to get lymphoma in 2018. Life can be so cruel. I miss him so much.

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Sorry for your loss I think it’s worse when they have overcome their main illness to be tragically taken by something different life is so cruel. And to add to my grief our best friend of 25 years died tragically on Monday night less than 2 months after my partner :cry:

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Hi I can understand what you are going through. My partner had a fall last August and ended up witg brain damage he even had to have half of his skull removed it was awful.,but he got through it. He was paralysed down his right side he could not talk eat or drink or talk, but he got sent to Leicester to try rehabilitation but it didn’t work so got moved back to Derby and was hoping to bring him home to care for him with the help of career s but he got a chest infection so was moved to a nursing home were he got coved and died a awful death so he went through all that suffering for nothing and you are left asking why I feel so much for you I feel your pain my heart is broken and I have only been able to see him for around 10 hrs in 5months because of this covid sending you a big hug

So sorry you lost your best friend and your partner. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but there are no words. I have the first anniversary of my husband Graham’s death Coming up on Sunday. Just need to get through it.

Missy2 I am so sorry to read what you have gone through. And that you had so little time with your partner due to Covid. Be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes.

It will be hard I had my partners 65th 4 days after I buried him and then Xmas. Try and be around family or friends they will really help. Sending love to you

So so sorry that is heartbreaking to read. This covid has deprived so many people of precious time with loved ones. I don’t believe my heart will ever heal. Sending you big hugs

Thank you everyone, I lost my partner last Thursday and have now been tested positive for coved so have to be on my own it’s so hard my heart is breaking x

Oh bless you sending hugs

I’m sorry For what you are going through. Sending you lots of love. Xx