On 22 January I lost my soulmate after 50 years together. Sandie was only 66. Up until November we were blissfully happy and had no real cares in the world personally, although we have had a horrendous year losing our 40 year old neice (who was more like a daughter to us) to cancer and one of our closest friends to heart failure. He was 61. Suddenly Sandie started to get very tired…then bouts of confusion set in. After blood test were taken mid November she went to A & E with critical sodium levels. Subsequently she was diagnosed with a CNS Lymphoma on her brain. Not curable we were told, but hopefully treatable. Early January at the new Clatterbridge Cancer Centre in Liverpool she began what we were warned was a very intensive and aggressive course if chemo…4 back to back cycles of 21 days…but if she could handle it there was hope. She managed the first week of drugs well and began the recovery phase before the next week. Two days later she developed an infection resulting in bronco pneumonia…she died later the same day two months after first entering hospital. I and the family are devastated. We were two halves of one doing literally everything together. I am finding it impossible to cope in every respect. All the feelings I see people sharing on here I have. I honestly do not see a future and am totally in shock. The house we moved into only 20 months ago and which we love now feels like a prison. I am being supported by my daughter and her family and am awaiting councelling. I hope that helps but can’t really believe it will. Two lives ended a little over 3 weeks ago
Hi @UnityMan, I lost my soulmate nearly 3 years ago now. I still feel lost, rattling around this house without her as we also did everything together. I had counselling via my local authority which was very good. There is a future, though in my case, not the one I wanted. I thought I wasn’t going to cope but now I do. Not because I want to but because I feel I have to for her. It was what she would have wanted for me and I have 2 very supportive step daughters. Take care…
Thank you for this. I also know that’s what she would want me to do…also I have our daughter and son to consider …I just can’t see how I can at the minute. I am just about managing to get through each day and if I didn’t wake up the next it would seem like a solution. Hopefully the councelling will help me find a way out.
I hope it does, it worked in a way for me. Not the total solution but a bit of help came out of it. Be there for your daughter and son because they will need you now. If you ever want to talk (because at the end of the day it’s what we try to do for each other) then get in touch. I know that this place has helped me a lot and I now hope I can be of benefit to others in our situation.
@UnityMan your tragic loss is not only so recent but very quick from diagnosis too so the shock and disbelief must be huge. This early period can seem impossible to live through but you will.
My 60 year old, very fit, seemingly healthy husband died suddenly last April after going out to play football as usual. He never came home having suffered a coronary embolus whilst playing, dying less than two hours after first feeling unwell.
The suddenness of our losses adds a different aspect to it but there is no easy way to lose the love of your life. My older daughter said to me afterwards she had never seen two people more in love than me and her Dad, which was so lovely to know that they grew up with this security that their parents were so happy together. A great model for their future lives hopefully and you will have given that to your daughter too.
Don’t expect too much of yourself and do whatever feels right at each part of the day. There is no blueprint for this horrible journey but one of the best bits of advice I was given was that ‘whatever you are feeling at this moment is how you are meant to feel.’ In other words, don’t beat yourself up about feeling as if you aren’t coping.
The smallest achievements in a day are a triumph, even if that is only eating breakfast.
A lovely new friend I have made from this forum sent me a book called Resilient Grieving by Lucy Hone. I am finding it really helpful although the author lost her daughter not her husband. She puts alternative ways of looking at things which may help some people.
Keep posting and asking for whatever you need support wise. There are some wonderful people on here who are with you on this journey.
Love
Karen xxx
Thank you for your words…and story…my daughter…and everyone else …also says we were held up as a model for two people in love…we were…btw her name is Karen…x
@UnityMan hope the counselling is helping my mate, i see from the treads you have received a lot of good advice as this site is really helpful. If you look at my profile my grief journey stared july 2022 and my soulmate was gone within 4hrs, my daughter did bring her briefly around using CPR but she had an arterial embolism so no coming back. See you are in the same area as me , i have previously posted going to the sea has helped me. Along with all the various types of counselling and good grief zoom calls. I have even tried going back to work, although having a what is the point day…so keep battling. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you for this…it gives a little hope…I haven’t started actual councelling yet as they say it’s a bit early but hopefully soon. I am still just taking one day at a time and feeling it’s a success if I get through…getting huge support from my daughter and her family…and she has our 2 young grand children…4 and 8 months…my wife loved them both so much…so seeing them is somewhat bitter sweet…especially when I see them with their other grand ma…
@UnityMan yes my daughter has been a great source of comfort, and we have been helping each other. I too find looking into the eyes of my 19mth old grandaughter takes me to another plane. My linda did see her grandaughter and was besotted with her. Just sad she isn’t seeing what a strong little girl she is becoming. Although i do say to my daughter her mum is in me, so is still with us.
@UnityMan and @Allen2 Today my daughter visited me with her 2 sons, one 9 months and the other 7. My wife saw the youngest a few months before she died. They were together with my newest grandson 4 weeks old who my wife never saw but she did feel the bump and saw the scans. It was the first time all 3 have been together. This was both a happy and sad occasion as my wife would have loved to have been part and she was deeply missed.
The experience shows the continuity of life and I had a ‘time out’ after they left to reflect and grieve that my wife could not be there. It is this duality, as you say bitter sweet, that I guess we have to recognise and to make space to experience both the joy and the grief to move forward and accept both.
@Allen2 @Mike75 @UnityMan
Yes, the circle of life seems to sum up what you are experiencing with all these situations. I was talking to my daughter today about it as some friends had to have their cat put to sleep today so I had to tell my daughter. It allowed me to go over with her again about the fact that death is the only inevitable thing in all our lives but that it is like being in a different world and they still exist somewhere. I think she understands.
I fully expect to have all the mixed emotions you all experience when my older daughter and her fiancé decide to try for family after their wedding this year. Bittersweet.
Love to all xxx
Oh I so much agree about the circle of life. As you get older, everyone you have known passes away. I’ve lost my parents and all my aunts and uncles and now every week someone famous dies. Bernard Cribbens passing upset me as he was part of my youth. Take care all x
@Johnch
I’m so out of touch with what is going on in the world I did not know about Bernard Cribbens. My childhood too.
@KarenF you can see his animation of digging a hole in the road on YouTube. It is brilliant and brings back so many memories of my childhood including his appearance in the Dr Who movie. So many have gone, Ursula Andress this last week,
- List item
Thanks @Johnch
I really should start listening to the news again. I try to switch screens off at 10pm (although I’m sure many of you will testify I’m not that good at it as you’ll have seen posts on here after that time!)
That was when we used to watch the news together and I don’t think about it any other time.
@Johnch yes Bernard Cribbens remember him when he used to read stories on Jackanory. Think the phase “life takes away more than it gives” comes to mind. Keep safe my friends.
@Johnch & @Allen2
Just watched Digging a hole.
There is also the amazing Right Said Fred in a similar vein. Brilliant.
@KarenF that was also amazing. The lyrics were so very clever “Fred said we had to remove the handle and the thing that held the candle - it no good and I knew it never would”. I laugh and cry at the same time to this old stuff x
@Johnch I always sang Hole in the ground to my children when we were stuck in roadworks or out walking and walked past a hole. They always laughed.
A few years ago, my wife decided to order a table for our dining room to take up to 10 people. It was made of solid wood. It was delivered in pieces by 2 bulky blokes. It had to be assembled upside down. It was then too heavy to move, yet alone flip over. I had to get 6 friends and neighbours and form a team. We choreographed our moves and did the flip. All the time my wife was watching and giggling and singing Right said Fred. Didn’t help our confidence! We said if we ever sold the house, the table would have to come with it. 
@Mike75 “Hole in the Ground” and “Right Said Fred” were the things I most remember from Cribbins. I miss him but I know that’s a result of getting older. Before you tipped the table over did you remember to take off all the handles and the things that hat held the candles? I expect it “did no good, though I never thought it would” 