Struggling to Express My Emotions

I lost my Dad to cancer at the very beginning of lockdown. I feel being in lockdown prevented me from being able to grieve properly, all everyone ever wants to talk about is the pandemic and coronavirus. Since restrictions have been lifted and going back to some “normality” I feel now I am so anxious about everything and so angry with how not being able to give my dad a proper funeral or be with my family

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Hi, so sorry about your loss. It must be very difficult for you that you could not give your dad the funeral he deserved, and that everything seems to be going back to normal for others but never will for you. Hope you are a bit better today.

So sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad at the start of lockdown too. I feel like everybody else is going back to normal now too, but to be truthful, they probably aren’t - if that makes sense. I think there is a lot of grief and anxiety amongst most people. I think we’ve all struggled in our own way but of course with what we have experienced we have a right to feel the way we do. When the sun shines I don’t feel it. It feels like everybody is out and about, back to their normal life and I don’t have a normal anymore - My life will never be the same again. This site comforts me though because it makes me realise that I’m not alone - I hope it can comfort you too. Try not to feel bad about the service you gave your Dad. I’m sure you did the best with what you could, given the circumstances. He would be proud and pleased I am sure. We were only allowed 12 people in, reduced service and the rest. Its tough isn’t it. Hope a good day can come your way soon enough. Chin up my little mate <3

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Thank you for your lovely words and comfort. I am so sorry to hear you also lost your Dad. I am hoping by reaching out and sharing with others it will make me start to feel a little normal again. I thought I was doing ok but since returning to work I have noticed just how much of a struggle daily life can be. Some mornings I just want to pull the duvet back over my head and feel anxious about having to face people. This does seem like a lovely little community to be able to put down in words how I am feeling. It is definitely a strange thing grief. This is my first loss of someone who I classed as my hero. My Dad received his diagnosis at end February and passed just weeks later. I just keep thinking what if. What if hospitals didn’t become so overwhelmed. What if he got to see an oncologist and could have had some treatment. So many families have been affected in such sudden circumstances. I hope you also start to have better days and like you have said so kindly to me im sure your Dad would also be so proud. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and leave me a lovely message. It means a lot x

Aw bless you - I felt the same way when I had to go back into work after a period of working from home. Have you spoken to your manager about your situation? Thankfully mine has been really understanding so she got me doing more back of house jobs. Might be worth pulling them for a chat if you feel like you’re struggling? Adjustments could be made? Sorry to hear you’re struggling at work. It’s so hard putting a brave face on for 8 hours a day. My Dad was my first major loss too - didn’t realise the complexity of it and how much it fucking hurts haha. I’m only young and so was he - I feel like I’ve been robbed!

Damn, I can’t even imagine what you must have been going through. I have a lot of anger towards the NHS due to the pandemic. My Dad was in pain with his stomach ulcer and couldn’t get hold of any medication due to lockdown. He phoned for an ambulance and was released from hospital (possibly too early). I think he died shortly afterwards at home and we didn’t discover his body for weeks after because he lived alone. It’s been and still is so awful. I hope you were able to spend some precious time with your Dad before he passed away? Xx

OMG that is such a shame to read about what happened. Our feelings/experiences are so similar. I feel guilty sometimes for feeling angry towards people. I guess it is the different stages of grief and every family who has lost someone will feel the same im sure. How old was your Dad? My Dad was 68 which I feel is still young! He was discharged from hospital at the beginning of March so I was really fortunate to have 2 weeks with him at home but it was really hard to watch him just disappear in front of us.

I have spoken to my Line Manager who has been absolutely amazing, offering me time when I need it and even giving me options of support (i.e. counselling sessions). Ive been doing a lot of reading about anxiety and dealing with grief. That is how I stumbled upon this site.

Please do keep in touch and any time you want to vent or chat i am always willing to listen. Every day is a blessing xx

We’ve just got to be kind to ourselves - we’re going through a tough time.

My Dad was 50. Aww I bet - I can’t imagine it’s any easier whichever way it goes.

Really pleased you’re feeling supported at work. Thankfully I’m back to working from home now. I dread nothing more than the thought of being locked into work, 5 days a week, squeezing lifes bits into the weekend, with not enough work life balance. I just think “whats the point” with my depressive thinking haha.

Do you have support from a partner / friend? Mum around?

Thank you my lovely - same goes for you. Always here for a chat xx

Aww 50 is no age at all, no wonder you feel robbed but hang on to the memories you had with him. Whether it be happy or sad memories noone can ever take them away from you.

I dont have a partner or any really close, close friends that I feel comfortable enough sharing my emotions with, hence why I thought speaking to others experiencing the same feelings as me would help me a little through my journey. I do have my Mum, who is amazing, but I always want to be strong for her and help her through these difficult times. Do you have good supports around you yourself? X

I find when i’m having a wobble (which is every day at the moment) I come on here haha. Its weird because I finally feel the grief has hit me… like this week to be precise. I’m Dads executor so I’ve had to organise literally everything. So I was majorly overwhelmed and running on adrenaline. I still think I partly am - still got so much stuff to do. This week I just want to lock myself away. I’m seeing friends tomorrow but I don’t know whether I’ll feel up to it. Hopefully I will. I think I will. My Dad would want me to get on with my life and I will eventually I’m just not ready yet. Saying that, I’m always doing an awful lot, even when I’m just at home. Our minds run wild don’t they.

I’m really pleased you have your mum. I hear what you saying about wanting and almost feeling compelled to stay strong for others. I feel like that too. This probably sounds really depressing but I feel like if I crumble who will pick up the pieces. There’s a lot on my plate and I’ve partly taken charge on everything so it’s not like I haven’t been offered support. Man, it’s a tough one isn’t it! haha. I have a lovely partner who knows how I feel and is a massive source of support right not. That worries me too though because now I fear losing other people. When you’re just living your life and you get a phone call that your Dad has died nothing feels safe anymore.

Hope you’re having an OK day today? Xx

Hiya,
Yes I totally understand what you are saying. I think after the initial shock of what happened you go into auto pilot and organisation mode. Although I wasn’t executor for my Dad I took on all of the contact with companies etc on behalf of my Mum and when all that is dealt with its like “bam” now what? Take it at a pace you feel comfortable with. If there is a day you feel you don’t want to make contact with companies etc take a break and have some “me” time. What you are describing hit me last week, my anxiety was through the roof and thats why i posted my initial comments on here. It was like a sort of relief. A small one but it helped.
I do hope you wake tomorrow and go out and see your friends. Have some well deserved rest from it all and what a comfort to hear you have such a supporting partner. Your Dad would be happy to know you have that support.
I am having a little break from work over the next few days, slowing the pace and chilling out. I am learning to drive just now so took a few hours today to distract myself and mind.
You are so right in what you say about fear. How can something so precious be snapped away so quickly but always remember to take the time for yourself and your lovely partner and live for your now. I know it will be such a long time before we start to feel a sense of normality again but we will be ok and its what our Dad’s would want for us :slight_smile: xx

Hi, I am in the exact same situation, It was 3 months from diagnosis that he passed, Marie curie could not come out the night before he died due to lack of ppe, out McMillan nurse just didn’t contact us and then no funeral. I feel he has been cheated. My daughter took it badly so along with sorting practicalities and looking after her and mum I feel I haven’t had time to process things properly. We are planning a memorial in October but not sure if it can go ahead with a possible second spike. Totally get how you feel. Much love.

I know exactly how you feel. The ‘what ifs’ can drive you crazy but you can’t seem to stop and end up in a spiral of negative thinking. There is also no proper way to grieve, everyone has their own coping mechanisms and it takes time to figure out what these are. Just remember to let yourself feel your feelings - I know this sounds simple but it can be tempting to push down and suppress emotions but this will only lead to more pain in the future and also remember to enjoy life, smile and laugh!

@lb78 I have just read your post and it is so similar to how I feel, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your Dad. I lost my Mum to cancer at the beginning of lockdown too. In fact it was literally the day before on Mother’s Day. I feel like I didn’t grieve properly in the beginning because of it and now feel like everyone feels like I should be OK now even though it’s only 6 months later!! In the beginning my time was spent planning her funeral and helping my Dad sort through various pieces of paperwork. It was only when I didn’t have that anymore that it really hit me. I feel anxious too, I have always been quite an anxious person but I now feel worse. I struggle to talk about it to those close to me and seem to be able to come across as being very strong and together, even when I don’t feel it. I have felt better for talking to like minded people in the same awful situation and find it does help a bit. I find myself feeling so fed up with people moaning about restrictions and not being able to see people though, as I think at least they will see them again. I feel sad that we couldn’t have a proper funeral or wake for my Mum , it was like we couldn’t say a proper goodbye and many people who should have been there couldn’t be.

I feel exactly the. Same as many others. I lost my wife in July. There were still strict rules at the hospice who in her last days were amazing. Giving us a twin room it was 2 months from diagnosis to death. I won’t dwell on the whatifs and the fact we only had me and our son at the funeral life is tough when everybody else is focused elsewhere. I just want to shout at people that there is more to life

Thank you for your responses it really does help to know there are other people in the same situation and having similar feelings. Sending you lots of love xx

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