May I ask Is it normal that 8 years after my soulmate passed away I still struggle with loyalty issues. I long to have someone in my life, yet I still love my wonderful Mo after all this time. I guess in a way I was ‘lucky’ we knew the end was coming and had time to discuss things. She told me to go and find a new love, and learn to enjoy life again. But I still find it difficult to move on. I hate living this lonely life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m comfortable in my own company. But I long for someone to share a life with. To hold hands on a long walk, to go for a meal with, to explore new places and holidays (it’s been so long I’ve forgotten what they are!) I have recently given myself a good talking too. I need to stop living in the past. I was constantly told time heals. But after so long not much feels different. I have been out with a couple of other women but It feels like cheating even though Mo encouraged me to move on.
I found your post honest and although it is less than half the time since you lost your wife that I lost my husband,it isn’t all that surprising to me what happened to you.
To me life doesn’t always go how you think or hoped. Being lonely for instance. I hope you find a way forward.
Hi @Handyman I think it is completely normal to want all the things we had with our previous partners back. Our partners were taken from us and we loved them very much. Its no use me saying to not feel bad wanting love and companionship again as we had before as that’s what lots of people will say and we wouldn’t have loved our partners if that was not the case. It sounds like you have found someone who can be important in your life. Mo will always be a part of you. For lots of us much earlier in the journey what you have seems a long way away but I hope you find happiness again.
I lost my husband my soulmate in 2020 and I know what you mean about moving on I feel the same as you it would be like cheating and the guilt that I would feel is terrible I now people say time heals well it has not for me I would love to have a male.companion going out for a meal or just days out my family ie brothers no children say to.me.why do.you want that they do.not understand the loniness at all they are not living in this the one man that I went to the pub with clubs with days out to the coast and holidays with all gone in the blink off an eye and then what happens your life.stops.to so I do know what it feels like I lost that.too
Thanks to everyone who has responded. Apologies for not getting back to you all sooner as it was the anniversary of Mo’s passing yesterday. I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond. I wish you all happiness especially in the darkness.
I’m 70 now and just six months into my grief journey. I’m not really coping well and nobody could ever replace my partner. I can understand the need for companionship though. Having been part of a couple for 40 years I really hate being alone. I feel like a spare part as most of my family and friends are couples. If it was me who had died I think I’d have wanted my partner to move forward and be happy eventually. Personally I think I’d always be comparing a new person to my partner and that wouldn’t be fair on them. Everyone is different though and eight years is a long time to be alone.
I’m 55 and like you Norma, 6 months into this awful path of grief. I can’t ever imagine being with anyone else. My Ray was so special, together for 33 years. We knew each other inside out and there’s nobody out there who could even come close to him.
I was like that when I lost my wonderful Mo. She was my soulmate. Never wanted anyone else. But after eight very long years the loneliness is unbearable. And at the age of 53 the thought of living the rest of my life alone is unthinkable .There in is the issue. I don’t want to be alone anymore but I still feel a very strong loyalty to Mo even though she told me I was to find someone else .
Unfortunately we never had those conversations about the future. Ray wasn’t able to discuss his diagnosis with me, and we only had 6 short weeks to come to terms with what was going to happen. I have no idea what he thought about me finding someone else.
But I agree with you that the loneliness is awful and I am happy for anyone out there in our awful situation, who finds love again. Good luck to them, but at the moment I just don’t want it for me.
I’m so sorry you never had a chance to discuss things. Even though we did it was awfully awkward. Sometimes wish we hadn’t. But it’s the loneliness that creeps up on you and wears you down.
I wish you strength and happiness on your journey back from the worst day we all have unfortunately experienced.
The answer to your dilemma is in what Mo told you before she departed. Namely to ‘move on’. I can understand that even vague thoughts about this can give rise to conflicts about disloyalty. Mo loved you and you loved her, but she has passed away and is no longer available to you in physical form. It is only natural that you would now like someone to share your life with. Mo cannot do this as she has passed on, but it is very clear that she had enough love for you not to want you to be lonely and unhappy. I’m sure she would have been happy for you to seek love again. However, there is no compulsion if, despite all this, your feelings about disloyalty persist. But this does mean you will need to reconcile yourself to your present situation. Good luck to you whatever you decide to do.
Hi Handyman I am sorry to hear that after eight years you still struggle with loneliness, I am only eleven months into my sad journey, but although I have made a great effort to get involved with other people on a number of days in the week I now accept that when I am on my own I am actually very lonely. As we come to realise there is nothing family or friends can actually do to help. I am sure that Sue would not want me to feel this way and she would wish me some happiness in the future.
Hi Tony, my wife would turn round to me after leaving a bank or shop etc. and ask me “what about that woman, she’s nice you could marry her” I found this awful to listen to and would always change the conversation. I found it very hard to think of her not being in my future. She was also very sweet as well to think I could just go round choosing who ever I fancied. The truth is I will always love my wife and even though the loneliness is so hard to live with, I think finding someone else who accepts that your wife will share your heart is very complicated.
Wishing you all the best
Tom
Dear Handyman, My dear husband died 6 years ago and life is not the same without him sharing our home and my life. I get very down sometimes without him being here and feel lonely without my special darling. Having friends and family around at times is good but they have their own persons to share their lives with. Chin up you are not alone in feeling this way, it happens to most people at some time in their life. Sending love and hugs to you, from CAZCJ
Hello handyman . I understand the conflict but think 8 years is a long long time to have been alone especially given your age . You would have only been in your 40s when you lost your partner I take it. You have many years left so I think it’s normal and healthy to want to find someone to spend and share your life with. Your partner obviously realised this and didn’t want your life and future to end with hers. Go and find your companion ,have a happy and full filling life . After 8 years you are more than ready if you allow yourself to be. It doesn’t mean you dont love your partner ,you always will ,but the truth is she is gone and never coming back and you are still here and lonely. Get counselling if it helps with the guilt but I think most people would understand and believe it’s perfectly ok to look for some happiness now . Just take your time and see what happens ,but try and be open to the possibility . Best wishes and good luck.
My beloved husband, Glenn Meredith passed from liposarcoma cancer on Easter Saturday. I miss him more than words can say, and this Saturday, I will view his body for the last time. This will be the very last time in my life I will see his sweet, familiar face after more than 50 years of marriage. I do not know what the future will bring. Part of me, even now would like to think that I could find companionship and maybe even a kind of love again. That love would be a paltry thing compared with what I had with my husband and it would always be second best. However at my age, 78 next month, I think most widowed people are realisic. New partners know that had someone’s spouse lived that person would still be with them. They also know that, after 50 or more years of marriage it is that first husband or wife that will always have a person’s primary loyalty over and above anyone who comes later after a death. Also, second marriages/partnerships are often short. We are old and know that our time in this world is limited. The relationship will not last long, and ten years will be the exception rather than the rule. I think that if those who embark on second marriages/ relationships are honest, both parties will be relatively content. So if you are a widow who loved her husband, choose a widower who loved his wife as a second husband/partner. Your marriage will contain four people rather than two, but this is the reality of second-time-around in old age.
Hi Redveg, I’m sorry to hear about your husband. I hope everything goes well on Saturday and you have a peaceful day. I often think about my aunt these days she had a very hard life her son having cancer at birth and dying at 7 years old. Later on her husband got cancer and she looked after him for quite a few years before he died. When he died she married again, at the time I thought it was very quick. She married a man who had also lost his wife to cancer. They had met in hospital during their partners illnesses. Looking at it now from a different perspective I understand them as they had both gone through such pain and they could comfort eachother at the same time as recognising there was a love that was still present. Unfortunately my aunt now has Alzheimer’s and is in a home but they were happy together for about ten years. Who knows what life will have in store for any of us. I don’t count on anything after seeing my wife go from a healthy 58 year old to dying of cancer a couple of years later. If anyone can find comfort and love then I would say go for it. Life is short and the only thing that is important is love and the loving relationships we have whether that be our children,siblings, parents or partners.
Wishing you lots strength and support
All the best
Tom
