Struggling without mum

I’m new to this group, I suppose I’m looking to speak to someone who has/is going through what my family and I are. I lost my beautiful mum 6 weeks ago she was 72, and it all happened so suddenly I would never in my worst nightmares thought we would be going through this now. Mum had a few bowel problems, was under doctors, she went to Spain for 2 weeks, came back feeling bloated and sick, went to A&E they admitted her into wards after 4 days she had camera and went downhill after that, developed pancreatitis, sepsis and as a result of this her kidneys failed, was admitted to Intensive care exactly a week after being admitted to go on dialysis and a lot of other machines, she was very drowsy, never really communicated with us, we were told it was a very nasty infection and hard to fight, she also had a blockage which they think was cancer. After 2 weeks in intensive care there was nothing they could do and she passed away. Even though we were all with her it didn’t make it any easier. She had to have an autopsy, still no results, could be upto 8 weeks they said if inconclusive it goes to inquest. I’ve just gone back to work, we all miss her badly but I feel so alone even with my family around me, I was her only daughter, she was my best friend and the doctor says there’s no one for me to see about bereavement, in my area there’s no funding left for it.

Oh gosh I really feel for you and understand your pain. And I’m so sorry. It’s a terrible time. I went through something very similar with my mum she died 14 weeks ago tomorrow and she was 70. She collapsed with fluid on her lungs after a nasty chest infection. 4 days later they diagnosed cancer then she died two days later. The shock is horrendous. They don’t even know where her primary cancer was. I am having private counselling but can’t afford too much of that. However I have rung both the Samaritans and Cruse who will talk to you over the phone and they are amazing!!! Please give them a call. They are so lovely. Also there are lots of people on here who have lost mums who will be along soon and will happily talk to you too. Get everything off your chest on here it will help you enormously and you are most certainly not alone. Take care. Lots of people here to talk and listen

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Oh Michelle,I lost my Mum a long time ago,but recently lost my husband to acute Pancreatitis.You Mum had the same symptoms as Rob,but his stomach pains started last Christmas and never told me.Do they keep quiet about it so as not to scare us or is it because they are scared?Take care and big hugs to you and your family :bouquet:

Thank you, my mum had not told me that she had diarrhea every morning for a long time, once she told me we went to doctors and she was on course to have tests etc but she cancelled one scan due to being away, once she came back it all happened, I’d never even heard of pancreatitis before but they explained to us tests were showing blockage on top of that, if she survived pancreatitis she would have needed a major operation on her bowels, stomach etc. The test results are taking so long I’m constantly worried they’re going to uncover other things and if found earlier she could have been treated. I have so many regrets and guilt it’s so painful, trying to go back to normality, work etc.

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Oh no that sounds awful I’m so sorry for you.
My fiancé is amazing don’t know what I would have done without him, and my 3 grown sons are all missing her too. I lost my dad 2 years ago, as the only female I feel alone even though they do their best bless them. Talk of Xmas is horrendous and Boxing Day was her birthday, everyone wants to do something I just want to hide.

Luckily,Rob didn’t have a PM because he had been in hospital for 2 weeks and had seen a Doctor 3 days before his death.Rob was told he had a blockage and it was gallstones.Because he had pulmonary fibrosis,he couldn’t be operated on.They did consider it but knew his lungs weren’t strong enough for the anaesthetic.He didn’t have much of a chance,bless him but they kept telling us he was improving and he was so happy but he died 48 hours later.Keep your strength up Michelle.You’ll get through this x

Sounds the same, they originally told mum it was gallstones, but she got the pancreatitis from having the camera, then it all went wrong. Everyone keeps saying it’s unusual for them to do autopsy when they’ve been treated and died in hospital so I’m unsure of what’s happening,

My mum never had an autopsy. It’s left so many unanswered questions ones which I’ll never find out and it’s stopping me from moving forward. Where was mums primary cancer. What symptoms was she hiding. She told us she had a bad back then got a chest infection. But drs said pulled muscle and chest infection. The cancer was in her lungs and the lung fluid. They think also in the bones. But she was only really properly ill for 3 weeks. I don’t get it. I have so much guilt. My poor dad will never get over not fighting the drs for more tests earlier which might have bought her more tine

That’s so awful for you, like you say you want answers. My stepdad and brother didn’t want them to do autopsy but as her only daughter I did, if she had a cancer, they think a rare type I want to know about for myself and my family. You do feel guilty don’t you?! I feel so much could have been done if we had known earlier, one doctor put her pains down to acid and sent her home. I feel for you and your dad x

Hi michelle,
I’m sorry for the loss of your mum. I’m a regular along with joules on the ‘I’ve recently lost my mum’ page.
My mum died suddenly from a brain hemorrhage in june, just 15 mins after surgery to clear a blocked carotid artery. The surgery was needed to prevent a major stroke. Ironically she died anyway, having gone into the operation looking happy, healthy and fit!
As a result mum had to have a post mortem. I hated the idea of one but wanted to know why mum beloved mum had died.
We never find out why mum had the bleed that day but we did learn that the operation hadnt caused it. We also learnt that mum had advanced heart disease and had suffered a historic heart attack.
What a shock. My mum was active, did all my childcare and was landscaping our garden a couple of weeks before she died.
I will never get over losing her and even now 24 weeks down the line I’m still in shock. She lived with us and I see her everywhere I go at home. I’m not sure I can even stay here.
What I can say michelle is that this forum has been a lifeline for me.
I have had 6 sessions of bereavement counselling but it has done nothing for me really. I think I was di desperate to do something which would get me through but I think time, keeping a busy household and returning to work have probably been what has helped me.
Cheryl x

My mum was 74 by the way. I thought she would live till 90

Michelle. I wished I had pushed for autopsy but dad was adamant. Now I think he has second thoughts. I’m thinking mum might have had either ovarian or breast. So I worried also for me and my daughter but the dr says it’s not prevalent enough to worry about. It really needs to be in lots of female members of the family to increase the risk. My mum is the only person in the whole of the family for a fair few generations to die of cancer.

I’m hoping one day the guilt will subside. My counsellor says the main component of grief is guilt.

I dont regret the PM but I have alot of unwanted thoughts surrounding it. Luckily, I wasnt given a choice which made it easier and I am lucky to have had a couple of answers. Bear in mind that a PM may not have given you the answers you required and I still dont know why my mum suffered her brain hemorrhage.

Cheryl x

Thank you Cheryl. You always reassure me.
Michelle and Cheryl I hope in time the cause of death will become insignificant.

Aw no that’s awful for you, it’s true that you don’t realise how painful it is until you loose your mum. Not had a day without tears yet, going shopping seeing other mums and daughters out and about hurts so much. I don’t have anywhere to go for counseling but I’m kind of thinking it won’t help, it’s nice to chat to people who are going through the same thing. It still doesn’t seem real tbh my mum was same really active, the amount of people who come upto me saying they can’t believe it, she always looked so well. Work is helping it keeps me busy but the management are putting in me, I work in retail we have no manager, they want me to do it, I’ve done it before but it was too stressful and took me away from my family, that’s part of the guilt I feel working all time didn’t spend as much time with her now it’s too late. Thank you both for chatting to me x


You know sue ryder does online counselling? Have a look on this site about it x

Hi Michelle,
Here is the link to the online bereavement counselling that @C1971 mentioned, if you would like to find out more:

I’m so sorry you are going through all this. Unfortunately we all do understand the pain of losing our mum. I lost mine last year, a year after losing my dad and I miss them both so terribly much.

The reason for the post is to highly recommend the online counselling here and also using this forum to vent. We all understand and are here to support each other. Xx

I am sure your mum would want you to get as much help as possible so don’t be scared to reach out.

Sending a big hug
Ann xx

I lost my Mam 5 weeks ago to bowel cancer it’s so hard and I know what your going through but my Mam found out in January what she had and we saw her get weaker and weaker but it’s hard to ever imagine life without your parents isn’t it xx

Hi Michelle

Wow…this is pretty much exactly what happened to my mum. One day she was fine, the next day in hospital and she never came home.

She originally went in with a chest infection, which they then said after doing tests was pancreatitis, she then went out to catch sepsis whilst in hospital, taken to intensive care as her kidneys started to fail and then then her organs one by one shut down. She was only 54 and so fit and healthy before that. The doctor actually told me that when her kidneys failed, her body didn’t know what to do as it had never been poorly before so it went into over drive, fought too hard and it was a mixture of that, the pancreatitis and sepsis that killed her.

Same as you have said about your mum - she was originally told gallstone, bad stomach, sickness etc but nothing too serious…I try not to dwell on the what ifs etc as it just ends up driving you insane! But I still struggle to get my head around it, I had never even heard of pancreatitis until now…although from googling it etc I’ve learned it is actually quite serious.

So sorry for your loss…you will see already from the replies on here that there are lots of people that feel the same so you are never alone. Have you found going back to work has helped you? That’s a shame about the counselling. Could you consider a private counsellor or join a waiting list etc?