Struggling

Hello I lost my mum a week ago and I know it’s early days and things take time but I lived next door to my mum and dad for 25 years so have seen them practically every day, I was even born in the street I live in, my sister has only been to see dad for an hour once since it happened and her partner says she’s struggling and can’t deal with things. I find myself getting cross about this because how does she think I feel, she didn’t see mum struggle like I did, she didnt get calls in the night to run in cos she was disoriented. She didn’t have to try and rescusitate her mum even though you knew she’d gone because that’s what we were told to do til the ambulance arrived. She didn’t have to deal with the police having to come to inspect the body incase there were signs of foul play. She doesn’t have reminders everytime she walks out her door.I keep getting told by everyone to keep being strong for my dad and I’m doing my best when all I want to do is runaway from the visions in my head

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First of all i am so sorry you are going through this, i didnt see my dad til after he had passed but was there til the end with my mum. Youve gone through something that has completely changed you as a person and will carry it with you for a long time. Its traumatising. As for being strong for your dad sometimes allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your loved ones can help them also be open with it ? The truth is each and every one of your family member grieving is putting on a strong front for someone in their head. Allow yourself to accept help if any if available from friends or other family or even neighbours . Im a year and a half into losing my parents and things are starting to get better although the numbness has started to fade and the emotions do surge often at inconvenient times it is getting more managable. I hope you can maybe speak to you sister, unfortunately ive fallen out with my sister since the loss and im told this is quite common among siblings unfortunately :cry:

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Your sister might be dealing with guilt of not being there too so maybe try and be a little bit sensitive about telling her how you feel without making her feel worse that you had to deal with it alone- that could cause her to ahve additional guilt. Talk to her and tell her you feel the same way about losing a parent and ask if you can spend some time to grieve together. Maybe sharing some stories that you both had of your mum could help you both feel better. Sending you lots of hugs xxx

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Thankyou for taking time to reply. My sister hasn’t actually spoken to me for a few weeks before mum died. I’d asked her to support me and dad a bit more and I was told I chose to live next door to them so it’s my problem, I don’t intend to tell my sister how I feel if she does bother to speak to me again as I’m not a spiteful person but it’s how I feel towards her inside. I do find it hard to open up to people and ask for help and I know I should try. Sometimes I would just like a hug and to be able to cry for as long as I need. No speaking just crying xx

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Well i can understand why you are annoyed at her if thats what she was going on like. Hopefully she regrets how she spoke to you about it . And yes hugs really help! I have pushed a lot of people away in my own grief as i was longing for a hug that i could never have again and nothing else seemed to come close i really struggled with phsyical intimacy afterwards. I wish i could go back to that early time in my grief journey and have been more open with people and receptive to love and hugs. The truth is i built up such an emotional wall by trying to be strong and independent my other relationships really struggled and im only just coming to terms with that now, i would do everythinf myself and accept no help then resent people for not helping me… I dont know if you are feeling the same but i also really struggled with a sense of longing where i was wanting and wanting to see those people id lost again despite the fact i knew it was impossible. But i couldnt stop it. And it was first time id ever really really wanted something to the point i was torturing myself over it. I still feel it sometimes now but not as overwhelmingly as in the start. But i have also completely changed my life around for the better since losing my mum and i did that in honour of her and am still doing it so things do definitely get better. You sound like the type of person who will keep going no matter what just remember to be kind to yourself you have been through a lot and youre only human just like everyone else it really is just one day at a time. Xxx

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