Struggling

Hi it’s been a while since I posted but it’s coming up to a year for my dad next week. I am really struggling. It’s been 7 years since I lost my mam and people say I should be coping now so I put on a face and pretend I am fine when I am not, I really want to scream and shout at the world. It’s my birthday this week and last year I spent it discussing palliative care, it’s the first birthday without both my mam and dad and I feel so lost and alone. Sorry for sounding so pathetic, but I just hurt so much. Love to everyone who is on this journey. xxx

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Its not pathetic at all. Our parents shape our whole lives and its natural to miss them. I just lost both my parents within 9 weeks of one another. I’ve not hit any anniversaries yet but I know it will hit big when I do. I can’t bear seeing mothers day cards right now.

Take the time to cry and remember them. But also do something nice for yourself as well if you can. Sending a virtual hug. X

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I feel most people even my husband think I should be ok now after my mum’s death 6 months ago and it makes me feel like I have no-one to talk to. There’s no disgrace in still grieving everyone is different and heal differently. I thought my husband would understand as he lost his mum a couple of months before I did. But if you can just keep talking it does help.

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Yep, in many cultures, the process is recognised to take 1-2 years, minimum. I mean, it’s a massive life changing deal, not some little hiccup.

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Hi She ,
As RobBeat said it’s not pathetic. It’s completely normal to feel like you do and anyway welcome back to the site. It takes courage to write again after a while away from it so we’ll done.
I am just over a year since my mum passed away and not a day goes by without me breaking down crying over something that has triggered me. Many people think I should be over my mum but I know the bond I had with her and if they had that then they would be the same as me.
Try to do something on your birthday that is for you. Even if it’s just a shopping trip ,a walk,trip somewhere or a coffee somewhere even a picnic in the car.Yes it will bring back memories of last birthdays but try to think they are right there with you.
Do you have any family of your own?
Thinking of you and hope you will post again
Love Deborah x

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I remember losing my parents and I felt the same even though it was years ago and I felt orphaned. Still do even more now my husband has died as well.
I felt terrible when my baby died at birth over 40 years ago. So it feels full gamut of loss
My sons are grieving too and I feel really helpless just like my mum did when my father died.
My mum was helpless for a long time. I had to sort out her care as I lived 22 miles away. I had two sons to look after and was married and at work.
I had to be her carer.
I was grieving for my dad and she was too. My brother left it mostly up to me to sort all the funeral out and my husband sorted out her finances. As she lived in rented place when she died we had to get rid of the contents quickly.
I was of course younger then but there was more help from the carer’s centre. I remember social services expecting e to do it all for my mother so I was very firm and said it was impossible. I could only do so much.
I had to keep busy.
Now I am five years older than both my parents were when they died.
I have to be sole carer of my 44 year old son who lives alone. I take comfort when I look after my three grandsons.
I am lonely. Bereavement fog is lifting a bit after 14 months. I look back to how my mum coped.
She told me I would understand one day and do. She lived on her own.
She refused to wear the alarm system and refused to be seen when she had transient mini strokes. She would never er consent go back in Hospital. She died of a heart attack on the floor.
I have flash backs of all the traumas.

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I got through my birthday but am now struggling with dad’s anniversary. It’s a year on Wednesday but today I am just thinking about the last time (by the day not the date) that he was awake for a few hours, how I held his hand all day as he went into a deep sleep not wanting him to be alone. I can still see his eyes moving backwards and forwards quickly as I talked to him. Sorry everyone I am just feeling it more so today. Thank you for listening. Take care everyone who is on the same journey. Life certainly sucks sometimes. xxx

Unfortunately we tend to dwell on the bad memories which is what I’m currently doing try and push them out with the happy memories I’m trying hard to remember my childhood memories and its distracting me from the bad it’s difficult but try it

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You’re right. Our loved ones gave us many many happy memories, and that’s what they’d want us to focus on :yellow_heart:.

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@She I know how you feel. My mum died on 5th February and my birthday was on the 13th… Also first time spending my birthday without my parents (dad passed away in 2000). To top it up, on my birthday I was actually running around organising her funeral…

Sorry to hear this @Ola13 . Sending a virtual hug :people_hugging:. The whole thing is awful isn’t it.

I lost Dad on 19 Jan 24. It hurts so much. Funeral is this week and I’m dreading it. Only just had mum’s funeral in Dec 23.

A piece of my heart is gone forever.

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Just wanted to say sorry we’re all on this awful journey. It sucks and I hate grief.

Sorry for your losses.

Strength and love to everyone. X

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@RobBeat08 and to you. I’m sure one day we will be smiling again but I think a part of me will be sad for the rest of my life. Its not just the fact that mum died, its what led to it and all the events before. I keep rethinking it wondering if there is anything I could have done to prevent it or change how she lived. My therapist tells me no, I couldn’t have but… the guilt is there