Struggling

I’m not even sure what to say, I can’t even say why this week in particular has been so hard, no tough occasion to get through, no crisis that Dad would have made better by just being there. It’s just been a really tearful week, I feel so low & I have never needed him more. I keep trying to say all the positive things to myself: I’m lucky to have had him at all, he’s still with me but I honestly don’t believe any of it.
People say he’s with me all the while but he’s just not, I’m still living in the house we shared & I haven’t ever had any sense of his presence still being around, I just feel lost, abandoned & totally alone. When will it ever get easier?

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I can’t answer that question, but I can and do emphasise. Those phrases ring empty for me too and doesn’t offer comfort. I haven’t felt my dad being with me, in the house or out of it, and I’ve needed that more than words can say. I feel as lost and abandoned as you do. Much love. :heart:

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@Cazza4 grief can be like this, no rhyme or reason to the feelings. Can you think of something, however simple, to move your feelings on? I often just get outside in my garden or go out for a walk if I feel overwhelmed by my emotions. The physical movement can help. Ultimately, although it’s incredibly difficult to accept, the only way is forward. Even in the immense sorrow of grief a choice can be made, otherwise you’re stuck. I see it as a work in progress because I am still not there myself, but I know I have to try and be open to opportunities to feel something other than sadness. Best wishes to you, take care xx

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Thank you, I’m glad it’s not just me. I just find it all soul destroying, I don’t even recognise myself anymore, I feel angry, I feel angry with the world I now find myself existing in, I don’t class it as living & even though it’s totally unfair I’m angry with Dad for leaving me.
2 days before he died he was fed up, he said what am I here for? I’m just a burden to you & I said you’re not a burden, you’re here because I need you Dad & I can’t do life without you, his reply was & I can’t do life without you either so I said well that’s ok then Dad because I’m not going anywhere & he said well that’s ok because neither am I & 2 days later he did just that.

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Definitely not just you. I can relate to all your feelings and the anger too. I’ve even screamed at him now asking how he could leave me like this? Because I can’t do life without him either. :pleading_face:

I fully understand how painful it must be to remember that conversation, but for me, hearing it, it also shows how deeply you loved each other and that he would never have left you if it had been within his power to choose. :heart:

Feel free to message me if you need to chat. :purple_heart:

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He was everything, my Mum left so it was me & him against the world, I lived with him my whole life, he always said I was his warrrior, I could climb mountains. I don’t think he ever realised how much I needed him, he was the steel in my spine, now I’m just nothing, I feel like I’m free falling.
I feel robbed, I don’t just grieve him, I grieve for what was to come, we had so much left to do. I grieve for the songs we’ll never play, the places we’ll never go, he’s missing out of so much x

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I hear you and I feel many of the same things. It’s just horrendous that we have to deal with this and torture every day without them. It will never feel right or fair. I’m not sure my dad knew how much he was needed either. We went through losing mum together and I depended on him. I’m so sorry for your loss. :heart:

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I feel like this too I have days where I am fine and think Dad was strong now I have to be strong. Then this week I am like a mess thinking I am an orphan. My mum died when i was 14 so my dad raised me since then and I just thought surely I won’t lose another parent until later on in life. Even when my dad was given 1 week to live I didn’t believe it. Such a big loss in my life and some days I feel like I can’t go on.
When does it get better??
I suppose we just have to think they would want us to go on and make them proud.

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It’s so scary thinking about being a orphan. There’s nowhere to run if we need to. :pleading_face: I still have a hard time finding comfort in the fact that they would want us to go on. One day, perhaps. My sympathies for your loss too. :heart: