Struggling

My husband died suddenly on the 27th October and I am in a very bad way at the moment. I am not sure how to carry on everything is too hard and the moment there seems to be anything positive another wave of helplessness crashes over me like yesterday. I have a lot of guilt which I know no one can help me with. I tried the Samaratins but for me it was not helpful. Tried to contact Cruse but could only leave an ansaphone message. So thought I would see if this forum could offer any advice.

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Hello Bish I’m so sorry for your loss. The last couple of months must have been awful for you what with all the jolly jolly Christmas and New year stuff. Please be gentle with yourself and know you are not alone. The members of this site are wonderful and offer so much support. Cry when you need to, eat what you feel like and don’t try to force yourself to be cheerful. You are in mourning as we all are in our grief. Stay warm and know that we all understand.

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Shirls thank you so much for your response and kind words. I feel so low at the moment it does seem impossible to carry on. Work beckons tomorrow again and I know I have to put my ‘I am coping’ face on but nothing changes inside. Now I have found this forum I shall and gain some comfort from others’ stories. Thanks again.

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Bush
I am so sorry to hear about losing your husband. My husband also died suddenly but at the beginning of October - he died in his sleep and had not been ill beforehand. I completely sympathise with how you are felling as I feel the same way. I think the last couple of weeks with Xmas and new year have been particularly difficult as it highlights how everyone else seems to be in couples and happy families and also everyone is expected to be jolly and festive.
I also tried CRuSE and they did get back to me - I have since had a few 1:1 telephone calls that have helped and they have now offered a series of 6 group sessions with others who have Lost spouses so I am going to try that in January. I see what they can offer you.
I don’t think that anyone who has not lost a partner can understand how it feels to basically lose a part of you when your whole future is blown apart and hopes and dreams you both had are gone.
I find it Difficult to be positive and go forwards but we don’t really have any choice.
I have started a journal that others suggested, where I talk to Ian my husband about things as if he were here (writing it down) and I do find that comforting
I do hope you can find some comfort and calm in the days to come
Take care

Hi Bish, hope work goes okay for you tomorrow xx

Thanks for your message Diane. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your husband. Maybe I will hear back from Cruse and if I do I will accept any help they offer.
Christmas has been incredibly hard Les (my husband) really loved it and was like a kid especially when it came to decorations.

I haven’t thought about a journal to be honest it is hard enough to write this.

You are so very right when you say everything changes forever in that one moment and life will never ever be the same again. Thanks again.

Thanks xx

Bish,
You coul always email CRUSE as well to see if you get a response quicker. They did tell me there was up to a 6 month waiting time for 1:1 face to face counselling so I have gone to see someone privately which helps a bit. My main issue is sleeping and when I don’t sleep I feel even more grief stricken and upset.
I find distractions help me - so today have been on 3 dog walks (two with company) done my washing and cleaned the house - just about to scrub the windows! I find if I sit still I think that make me worse - although sometimes just reflecting and crying on my own is what I need to do.
Even nearly 3 months later I can’t really believe that Ian won’t walk through the door any minute - I can’t move any of his clothes - wellies still in porch ready for his next dog walk.
I am also back to work tomorrow - hope it goes okay for you
Take care and just get through each hour at a time

Thanks for the email Diane. I will certainly take your advice and email Cruse. How did you go about finding a private counsellor? I did have a look on line but there were so many?

I have just been sitting today and you are right I think it does make things worse if that is possible. Unfortunately the attitude I have to housework etc at the moment is ‘what’s the point’. Like you also everything in the house is as it was on the day my husband died, his razor is in it’s place his dog walking coat on the hook etc., I can’t see a point when I will be ready to move these things at the moment.
I hope work goes okay for you tomorrow. Take care.

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Bish
The counsellor was recommended by a friend - if you can get a recommendation that is probably best. I do find talking one to one to someone who never knew Ian actually quite helpful.
Do you have any friends or neighbours who have lost close family you can talk to? I have one neighbour whose son died in a car crash when he was 18 and she has been really helpful to talk to as she understands how I am feeling.
I assume you have a dog? I never wanted a dog but ian persuaded me to get one just over a year ago but despitee being a tie it’s him who gets me out of the house now and you do always meet people who talks when you have a dog!
I also have an 18 year old daughter still at home so I have to try and be strong for her as she is doing her A levels - although that’s not easy and she hates it when I cry
Have a peaceful and as restful as you cAn evening
Good luck with finding support from counsellors erc

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Hi Diane thanks for your reply. I don’t have any friends or neighbours who have lost close family that I could talk to. My husband has 3 grown up children and they have been wonderfully supportive but they are all obviously going through their own grief. Our stories are similar in that I said Les could have a dog when our last cat got run over. He had always had dogs but I said he could’nt have one until he retired. Consequently the dog was his constant companion and with me working full time I have struggled to find dog walkers and daycare for her. However I am going to do all in my power to keep her as she is company for me and I know he wouldn’t of wanted me to let her go.
How is your daughter? It must be tough for her also.
Sorry I seem to have gone on again.
I have booked a session through this forum for a one to one chat tomorrow, that may be a start. Thanks again. Dawn.

Dawn,
Sounds like we have similar dog issues! Finn is a golden retriever so huge but a great companion -Ian had set up his own consultancy and was working from home so he looked after the dog. I have to go to the office 2 days a week but have been lucky to find a good dog walker who comes in the middle of the day - he ends up with 2 other dogs to play with so I think he prefers it to my dog walks! Hope you can find someone suitable. You should keep the dog. My counsellor told me exercise is really important and a dog certainly forces you to exercise!
I have 2 daughters the eldest is 22 and away at university but my younger daughter witnessed the trauma of finding my husband and doing CPR so she is also struggling - I am trying to support her as best I can. It’s a comfort having her in the house. We are just going to watch La La Land in a bit when she has done some work.
Take care, Diane

It’s hard I have a dog and my wife was at home a lot but now I’m on my own it’s hard. I fitted a camera to see if I could see how he was but now I know he howels the house down when I’m not there. I really want to keep him but its going to be a battle. Its so unfair lost my wife and now I may lose my dog. Xxx

I have a little Jack Russell dog who was 2 in December. She was used to my husband being here all day and he was her main walker. When George was diagnosed with cancer I worked from home which enabled me to care for him and go to all his medical appointments etc. I am starting back to work tomorrow following losing him at the end of November. I cannot bear the thought of losing my little dog as well. My little dog (Poppy) also misses him very much and has not been herself since he went. I am going to try and negotiate working from home in the afternoons so that I can be with Poppy and also it means that I don’t have to come home to a dark, empty house. In time I may have to get a dog walker for a couple of days per week, but for now I am hoping that my work will be flexible (fingers crossed). I also have a 14 year old cat, but they are so much easier to look after.

It’s strange but in the first surreal weeks of my husband dying my main concern was for ‘his’ dog and how she would cope but when I sorted her out with walkers the whole hideous desperate position I am in came crashing down on me. I was not prepared for it, it is as though somehow my mind did’ to take in everything that had happened in the first few weeks but now it has hit me fully and I can’t see a way forward. I know pets can be a comfort but sometimes she looks at me as if to say I don’t want you I want my dad and that starts me off all over again. Someone did suggest I get a camera for when I’m not home and I am still considering this. My husband loved the dog so much I feel I have to persevere with her. I will be going out shortly on my early morning walk in the dark before work which I find incredibly hard but it has to be done.

Dawn
I know how difficult it is looking after a dog particularly in these dark winter months.
I have just been woken up by our dog who has been sick in the kitchen so now I will worry all day about him being ill!
I agree that warlybmorning walks in the dark are really hard and thinking of my dog missing Ian, which I know he does, makes me feel really upset.
I’m sure your dog will be fine in your absence as they tend to sleep most of the day anyway - a camera and watching him may just make you more worried not less.
Anyway, hope today at work goes ok,
Take care

Hi Diane

Thanks for you message. We’ve just got back from the walk.

I am sorry to hear your dog has been poorly which will obviously worry you. I must admit I am tending to agree with you about the camera thing as I saw on another message on this forum how one owner has seen his dog howling. That would be so awful and I would not be able to concentrate at work (which is difficult anyway) if I saw my dog doing this.

I hope you have a reasonable day.

I’m now off to work but I have an online counselling session booked for later which is my first so a bit nervous about it.

Sending caring thoughts to you and your dog. Dawn x

Hi Diane

I was just wondering how your dog has been today hope he is okay.

Dawn x

Dawn
Thanks for asking - he has been fine apparently - dog walker said he was as lively as ever - have starved him until now and just biked chicken and rice which he has eaten so fingers crossed x
How did you get on with the counsellor?
I have been bad today - even cried in front of my manager! This new year thing is a nightmare!
Take care
Diane

Hi Diane

I am pleased to hear that your dog appears to be feeling better.

Sorry to hear you’ve had a bad day at work I trust your Manager is compassionate and is supporting you through this awful time.

I had an hour on line with a lovely lady. I was able to talk, we’ll cry mostly, through a lot of my issues that I haven’t been able to do with anyone else. Obviously there is never going to be a miracle quick fix but I will speak to her again next week, hopefully less tears then.

I hope tomorrow is better for you.

Take care. Dawn x

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