It is 7 months since my husband passed suddenly, my birthday was new year’s eve, I summoned the courage to go to the hotel we’ve been to at new year for the past 20 years, our friends there were wonderful in making sure I wasn’t left on my own. When it came to big Ben chiming, every one wanted to be standing next to their husbands/wives etc, that split second I felt I was being hit by a bulldozer and fled to the quiet sun lounge where I sobbed my heart out. We always stayed 3 nights, arriving homeyesterday, at first I was glad to be back in the safe confines of our home, then was hit with the emptiness, loneliness and despair of facing this new year without him here. I’ve had to struggle through house repairs/maintenance etc, being let down by plumbers who promised to replace the heating before Alan was even ill. The worry of trying to have it done before he came home from hospital was traumatic enough, finally managed to get some one to do the work 2 months after he’d passed away, two days after his funeral I found myself with no heating, no hot water and no toilet. House was in a shambles with everything stacked up to give free access to the pipework etc, didn’t think of postponing the new bedroom fittings in the spare bedroom, job to take 2 days, 2 months on and still waiting for the last door to be fitted, boxes piled on the landing unable to go through them, just feel too overwhelming and trapped. The feeling of being stuck in a pool of deep treacle. I bought a beautiful bound journal to write about my day to Alan, shortly after he passed in May, actually started to write in it 31st October, I am now over half way through, my thoughts relay his responses and I have conversations with him in my head, sometimes I talk out loud to him (well, mostly all the time if I’m truthful).
Getting back home after going on our regular break felt like I’d lost him all over again, left the house 30th Dec 2018. Returned the following year 2nd Jan 2019, felt more and more isolated and alone, was only 4 days but a new year, a year to face alone without him, making my struggle even harder to cope with. I am so very sorry for your loss Bish, the support from this forum is wonderful and has been so very helpful. ☆ I am self employed and still cannot face doing any work, which now I’m going to have to force myself as it involves tax returns and must be completed and submitted by Jan 31st. After which I’ve decided to retire, something Alan kept wanting me to do for the past few years before he passed away, feel very very guilty now, it took him passing away to realise I should have listened to him then. I did intend retiring, but was giving it another couple of years, winding down gradually, little did we know, we didn’t have enough valuable time together. Everything is an effort, a major struggle to even go out, thankfully I have an 8 month pup plus my daughter’s 2 year old dog to make me go out walking them 3 times a day, sometimes I see people, and we stop and talk a short time, other times it’s just myself, Winston (My daughter’s pug who misses his hourly walks with Alan) and my pug pup Ada.
We had a cockatiel Monty, 22 years old, he was Alan’s bird and exactly 2 months to the date of Alan leaving our home for the last time when he was taken into hospital, Monty flew out of the open patio door. He’d been spooked all day and been fretting for weeks. He’d never flown towards the door ever before, he was old and I know his heart gave out that evening as he flew high to be with Alan. That tipped me over the edge and triggered a thousand ‘what ifs’. I couldn’t hold Ada and didn’t want her, she was 9 weeks old and I rejected her, my daughter cared for her, I came to some sense and picked her up, cuddled her, wept tankers full of tears and never rejected her again. She is my reason to get up every morning, between her and Winston, they get me out of the house 3 to 4 times each day.
So Sorry for rambling on so much. Every day is a huge struggle. Don’t see any light, then again at present I can’t imagine a life outside of this ☆