Lost my husband at the end of November last year. Woke up to him having a catastrophic heart attack next to me. It was all so traumatic. I have had tons of support, go out a lot and am back at my little job but the yearning for my lovely husband I think will go on forever. Sorting out clothes today has plunged me into another vale of tears. Selfishly I also feel angry because he was only in his sixties, like me and so I feel my life has been prematurely cut short and wrecked too. We were so happy together. I just wonder if I will ever properly move forward.

My wife was only 61 when she was diagnosed with a brain tumour and she was told the median survival rate was 14 months. She actually live under that particular cloud for 4 years with operations, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Nothing was ever going to be the same again but she never complained.
She died in August 2018 and its 26 weeks on Sunday. I’ve not really experienced the emotion of anger but I do massively regret what she had to go through and the fact she is no longer with me. I doubt I’m remarkable in that many family and friends had already died, some much younger than 60, but nothing had quite prepared me for how Traumatic the death of my wife would be. I haven’t sorted any of her clothes out and doubt I will be doing for some time yet. That’s probably something that’s down to how each of us feel about that step.
We will move forward, just as we always did, but there’s no doubt it will be different.
Due to the Traumatic nature of how your husband died it may be that you need professional help to deal with how you now feel and the psychological effects.

Hi lost my partner in May to a heart attack it happened right in front of me. He was only 48. I was in shock for the first few weeks. Like you I am angry because my life has changed forever I feel cheated. It’s only been a few months for yourself I’m glad you are getting lots of support. I have two boys which keep me going but I feel I will always feel lonely. Take one day at a time.
Christine x

I also lost my husband 24th nov, I feel lost without him as we did everything together. I have great support around and out everyday but it is when you shut the door nobody here to share and talk things over. I have looked at my husbands clothes but not sorted yet I am not ready for that. I say often why did you leave me but I know there was no choice. I think we will miss them forever you just learn to cope and put on a front. I don’t know about you but I feel like my heart is broken after 44 years together we are now leading a different life. I do hope it gets easier I think I am having more good days than bad but the tears still come.

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I lost my husband on the 29th November. He had been diagnosed with aggressive lymphoma just under 6 weeks earlier but actually died in hospital from a pulmonary embolism. Unfortunately I was not with him as it was outside visiting hours and we had been told that he was not in any imminent danger. I feel so guilty that he died alone, but then I don’t know how I would have coped. I know exactly how you feel regarding the yearning, it is unbearable. I still find it hard to believe he has gone and is not coming back. My lovely husband has gone forever, how did that happen? I am 52 and feel like my life has ended. In fact I pray every night that I will God spares someone else’s life and takes me so that I can be with him, I am desperate to know he is somewhere out there and is alright. I have not sorted out any of his clothes, I cannot face it yet. I know I will never be really happy again, this is it now until my time to join him comes - very sad future when up to September last year everything was wonderful and we were really happy.

Reading these replies really helps. Thank you. This must be one of the hardest things life throws at us. Life changes irreveocably with the death of a partner. I sippose in time we will learn to live round it and find other avenues but it so hard when you were so happy with what you had.

I cannot see and don’t want a future without my lovely Roy,it all seems so bleak now I would love to go to sleep now and not wake up,so so hard isn’t it,love to you all ,Corinna xx

Such a similar situation. So shocking isn’t it when it happens in front of you. I just hope the rest of my life is not just going through the motions and filling in time. I am sure you feel like this too.

Dear Mrs Map .
My husband had a cardiac arrest in front of me in our house
That was 6 months ago
I am still in shock
How I am going to get through whatever life I have left I don’t know
He was 60 and I am 58
After something like this happens you no longer feel safe . Anything can happen at any time and the only person who really loved me flaws and all , inside out , has gone
We all feel each other’s pain
Sending big hugs
Romy xxxx

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It’s true - you lose all your confidence when you see this can happen just like that…And we will never be lived like that again…So sad but I suppose we slowly have to try to make something of our lives again…Good to be able to share things here.

Dear Mrs Map. Very sorry for your loss.

I too lost my darling husband on the 21st November. A month before end of Oct we were on holidays in Japan. Then Diagnoses came in , then hospital for just 8 days and gone for ever. I was with him all the time except nights and we were both “hopeful” but knew it was going to be a hard road ahead. May be were in denial or missinformed. The end was so unexpected for us both. one hour before he was telling me to go home and have a rest. He was just 60 in July,!
My whole life is gone with him. What an empty journey we have infront of us in order to cope one day. some journeys will be short , others longer and others will take for ever.

Big hug to all xxxx

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I can try and get through every day as best as I can. Sometimes I wish I could swap places with him. I have lost my sparkle and I am not the same person any more and never will be.

I can’t decide if I’ve lost my sparkle or just misplaced it. I probably didn’t have much to start with. My youngest granddaughter lives in a pink and sparkly world and she made me a pink and sparkly birthday card. I asked her if she saw me like that. Alas, no.
I just hope for small quantities of interest and enthusiasm and once or twice I’ve realised it happened. Not much but something.

Maybe in time I will start to look forward to things it’s still early days. You have had small quantities of interest which as you say it’s something.

Hello Aries,

It’s tempting to say, “I wish I could swap places with him/her” or, “Why wasn’t I taken, not her/him,” and I felt like that right at the start of this grief journey.
But a comment made to me by a widow made me change my mind.
“At least,” said the lady, speaking of Eileen, “at least she has been spared widowhood.”

I realized then that I would not want her to be going through what I am going through.

If either of us had to bear this misery, then I am glad to be the one to do so, and spare her. I will be her Champion, carry her favours, and bear the pain and scars with honour.

Yes that’s so true they would go through this horrible journey too.

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